[sue123]

Here we go. I married a wondeful man 4 yrs ago. I also accepted his son as my own. (in my eyes). My story now. In 2000 my stepson went to Tennessee to visit his bio mom. (the actual divorce took place in Mississippi). Anyways, while he was there she had a religious change. She is now a member of WICCA. She took him to church with her and to "meetings". He was 6 at the time. He was with her for 2 months as my husband had surgery and I was working full time we thought visiting with mom would reinforce his fears of leaving all his "family" and moving here to Indiana. When he came home he was devistated to say the least. Had to reteach bathroom habits, bathing and anything else you can think of. She only contacts him when the urge to feel like mom hits her which confuses him (10 now). Not very often to is an exaggeration. She doesnt aknowledge birthdays and until this yr she never even called or contacted him at Christmas or any other holiday.My husband has physical custody and she has visitation since the courts do not see her religious choice as a bad thing. he has been in therapy, tried to kill himself and issues you wouldnt believe. My question....is there anyway I can adopt him without serving her. When she does talk to him she tells him she has "presents" for him but he can only have them if he comes and visits her. She gave up custody in exchange for no child support on her part. That and the fact that she was facing child neglect charges for an incident in Michigan involving the stepson when he was an infant. I was told that there were ways around notifying her. Is this true? Unfortunately she is his mother and like most children he loves her unconditionally. We have not allowed her to see him on the 2 ocassions she requested. We want what is best for him and I love him like I love my own birth son. I dont reference him as my stepson he is my son as far as I am concerned. Any feedback would be so appreciated. Thanks!

[PinkRibbon]

Wicca is not the same thing as devil worship. It's not my cup of tea, but I do know someone who practices that religion and she is one of the best mothers I know. I think it's wrong to discriminate against a person based on religion, particularly Wicca because there are so many misconceptions about their practices (I had a lot of them myself until I learned more and researched it).
I don't think you're being fair at all thinking about adopting him when he has a mother, just because you don't approve of her. I think it's wonderful you consider him to be a son. A child can't have enough people to love him. It's hard to take your post at face value because we're only hearing one side of the story.
Why are you allowing your own personal feelings about his mother to interfere with him seeing her?

[sue123]

First off let me apologize. I did not call her a bad mother for her choice. She can practice whatever religion she wants. i do not care. Dont tell me I do not aprove of her because of her religious beliefs. Its because of everything else. My complaint was that she only contacts him when the maternal clock begins ticking. He has severes emotional handicaps resulting from what she admitted she had done. I do however see that as an issue when it comes to her being his mother. That said. She does not act like a mother. When he came back from seeing her in 2000 he attempted suicide and almost succeeded. His therapist has since learned from his own words that it was in fact a result of his exposure. I HAVE done my research, contrary to what some believe anyone who does not worship God, worships idols hence not christians. I want to adopt him because I love him and I and his father and family on my side on my husbands support him emotionally, religiously and unconditionally. He has a mother, granted I can give you that fact. But what is a mother? Someone who called him in 2001 (once) and sent him guns and dragon figures for christmas 2003? No, a mother who is someone who nurtures, protects, loves unconditionally, supports (emotionally etc.), comforts him when he is severely depressed and watches him struggle with his issues to say the least. I cannot stand by and allow a person that for every step he takes, knock him back 2 steps. We want to insure him that if in the event his father was to pass he would stay where he is secure and happy. She refuses to be a part of his medical problems. We have signed releases so she can call all his doctors and ask anything she wants to ask. When my husband asks her about it she says "Oh I called but they wouldnt tell me anything". She lies about it. Denial? please! anyone with an ounce of concience as a parent would do whatever it took to be there whatever way they could. When he asks to call her we let him. As soon as she finds out its him she quickly ends the call or hangs up and when he tries to call her back her answering machine picks up. We have called her, wrote her (signature requested/recieving confirmation to that) and she refuses to believe there is anything wrong. Some things that took place when she had him that summer devistated him. WE as his parents have an obligation to him. Not to appease ourselves or exclude her. He would be free to still have contact(supervised if in person) but if anything ever happened to his father where would that leave him? We have never and I mean NEVER spoke bad about his mother ever to him. She can come here anytime she feels the need and see him and spend time with him. That part of the custody agreement states that. It does not say when the mood strikes you call your kid and make him feel bad about himself or better yet---dont call him at all! I have every right to think that my husband asking me to adopt him is a step in a positive direction for all of us. I hate that she isnt in his life. We go south and visit family and call her to see if she would like to see him and she always has some excuse. My stepson emails her and she never responds. When my husband asks her if she wants to talk to him she says no. Doesnt sound to me like she even cares. She told my husband that as long as she has shared custody she was going to make him suffer (husband) at all costs. Who is actually suffering??? Not my husband, my stepson is. So if my wanting to be a secure figure in his life is so bad then I guess it is. I love him, he loves me. He tells me to please never leave him because that would make him sad. And that is exactly how I feel about your response-SAD. Not everyone that divorces has a great relationship with their ex-spouse. I have a 19 yr old son. I cannot even imagine not being a part of his life. As far as my personal feelings.....how can I not have personal feelings? Like I said--she chooses to be the way she is to him. He is 10 now, in time he will and can make his own decisions about her. BUT- WE live his life. She doesnt care too. Yes, youre getting one side of a story. I can respect that fact. Guess I should have just not posted in the first place. Wasnt asking to be condemned, was asking for help or advice.

[3girls1boy]

It sounds to me like you might be able to adopt based on abandonment, however I think they would still notify your son's mother. Is there anyway you could be made legal guardian in the event something happens to your husband? I would talk to an attorney- sometimes a consultation is free- and even if its $150 bucks for an hour of advice, it will give you some piece of mind to know where you stand legally. Keep track of all contact you have with her, you may need it for court one day. Start keeping a journal. I think the wicca would be a non-issue in the eyes of the court, but not keeping regular contact is grounds for abandonment.
Lisa

[sue123]

I never thought about legal gaurdian. Thank you. I will talk to my husband about that. If a lawyer says we need to notify then by all means we would. I just wish life for him could be like it is for all 10 yr olds. I know that the courts do not judge in anyway about religious choice. Freedom of religion. We have been keeping a journal and I have all our phone bills with the calls to her on them (some of the calls were recorded and she aknowledged it as ok on the recordings). I just wish she would talk to him. He asks us why she doesnt talk to him or answer his letters. It breaks our hearts. Thank for your idea.

[3girls1boy]

I know my 12 year old's best friend's mother is an alcoholic. She lost custody of her child last year. The girl knows why she can't be with her mom, and even agrees she should be with her dad, would rather be with her dad- but still she misses her mom so much- wants to talk to her and tell her how her day is- have a typical mother daughter relationship and it just isn't possible. Its heartbreaking. I would just say keep supporting your little boy- I am sorry for his pain.
Lisa

[sue123]

It is hard on them isnt it? Sometimes I think we try to hard to make her understand how important she is to him and in his life. I do know he loves his mom and I would hate to say he coulnt talk to her or see her. That would be wrong for us to do. Alot of the time I put it in Gods hands because I just cant answer the why? questions for him. Its such an emotional issue for him. He loves living with dad and I and doesnt want to live with mom, just misses her. I do need to explain the preventing her from seeing her thing in my original post tho. We explained to her that after 5 times of being hospitalized in a mental health facility within a year that his doctors and therapist/psychologist said it was not in his best interest to be with her. We have been so giving with the info to her about him. Sometimes I want to just yell at her and tell her she needs to step up to the plate and BE a mother. Sometimes people need a house to fall on them to realize they have messed up. We went south for a wedding the end of last month and were only staying for a couple of days and still contacted her to see if she wanted to spend time. She got so outraged that we wouldnt let her have him longer that she said no! forget it! I am off that weekend and I have plans. It is an emotional issue for me but maybe it is because I cant understand a parent not wanting to be in their childs life. My 19 yr old has never seen or met his bio father and I still find myself trying to figure out how anyone would not want to be a part of someones life. I pat myself on the back for being both mom and dad to my bio son. He is a wonderful young man with good morals. I know everything will work out its just frustrating finding out what is the best for my stepson in the long run. i am rambling, sorry.
Thanks

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by sue123
First off let me apologize. I did not call her a bad mother for her choice. She can practice whatever religion she wants. i do not care.

Thanks for clarifying that point. I assumed wrongly because it was at the beginning of the post. I'm sorry for the confusion.

[sue123]

I took time to re-read my posts. It was late when I came on to search the site and read alot of posts. I was up at the hospital visiting my husband and it was a very hectic day. I am sorry I took such offence to your reply. I was tired. I didnt mean to imply that I was using her choice as my reasoning. I was just trying to explain why he has the problems he has and where the root of said problems started. As I said before, we do everything possible to make her a part of his life. After a reasonable nights sleep I can say that I can see where you could missread what I was trying to say. i learned along time ago that the way you say in your head what your typing as you type it doesnt always get said the same way with the same tones when someone else reads it. With that said, we have a park waiting for us and I have a hospital to get too. I think I might check out the option of legal guardian mention in Lisas' post. have a great day!

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by sue123
I i learned along time ago that the way you say in your head what your typing as you type it doesnt always get said the same way with the same tones when someone else reads it.

That's an excellent point. In a post you can't see tone of voice, facial expression or body language so I think it's easy to misunderstand what someone said and/or the way they said it.

[Wingless]

Sue -

I hope your husband is doing well. I can only assume your sudden panic to resolve this issue is what many stepparents face when they realize, even in marriage - bio rates higher then nurture. And I so agree - it stinks!

I have two children from a previous marriage. Within this last month we have screened my oldest for just about every thing to give us a clue to what was going on with him. When I say he is "different" it is an understatement. At only 10 years old he carries way too much social and emotional baggage. It saddens me so much to think my attempt to protect him from the effects of an emotional and verbally abusive relationship I had with his father has added to part of his issues. He also has autistic "tendencies".

My ex-spouse isn't quite the piece of work your husband's ex is .. but he is a close second. A few thousand dollars in testing - which I have kept him completely informed of - and he never asks anything about what would be most helpful for his son. He plays super dad once a month and truly believes that by paying his child support weekly he is doing enough to make him a good dad. He has never participated in a single activity my (and his - although it is easy to forget that he is their father by his actions) sons have been a part of. Never gone to a scout outing, a school function, a sports game. It is all too inconvenient to his schedule. He never has gone to a doctor's appointment, dentist .... heck not even the mall to have the boys glasses adjusted. All these are my "jobs". He needs only take his one weekend a month, and imply rudely about how I do anything (two boys 10 and 8 .... and they have holes in a pair of blue jeans... gawd forbid?!!)

And I feel your pain in realizing that his priorities never will be his sons. Two years ago he did something that sent my oldest into a terrible depression, and has directly added to his emotional issues. Because my ex was not dating, and there wasn't anyone to take the boys Christmas shopping for dad, my husband and I thought a wonderful night out with the boys to a monster truck rally would be a great experience for them all. The boys couldn't wait for Christmas morning to surprise their dad. To have it thrown back without as much as a thank you. (I prior to ordering the tickets did ask my ex if that weekend was his - and to ensure he wasn't scheduled to work.) He called the weekend prior to the rally, and said he didn't want! to take the boys, to just let my husband take them. DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE THEM. Because it was from me?? Who knows. But his bitterness and attempt to hurt me was catastrophic to the boys. It was the start of the end for my oldest son. He started after that, on the many occasions when dad would call to cancel dinner or a weekend making rude comments and pulling away from us all.

I would love to let their dad walk completely out of their lives and take the backlash of the anger that it would create for the boys. It feels so often that that pain would be much less then this **** game of unreliability and inconsistency. I know if I even suggested he sign away his rights in exchange for not having to pay child support, he'd be over in a heartbeat with pen in hand. But I won't let him off that easy. I will be the rock for my sons. I will let them know it is okay to be mad, or sad or whatever else they need to be (they need to be - not projections of what I need to be.) I will pay whatever I need to pay in money, sweat and tears to be sure that I have the council to offer them the best guidance through their teen years. But sometimes I just want to cry "unfair!!"

I will always have this little fear in the back of my head, that every now and again creeps forward and says, "but what if something happens to me?" Legally my husband - that has been a father to them since they were 5 and 3 - has no rights. This I know is the fear you are facing. I hear you saying the same things ... I want my rights protected, not her to vanish from his life.

I wish you the best in finding a legal path to help ensure your son's well being. I wish I could offer any other suggestions.

I just want to let you know that here - you can yell loudly about how unfair it is with your son's mother. That you can cry about what he faces because of the actions of an adult that just "doesn't get it." That there are others in similar shoes.

~Wingless

[bbear]

If you know where she lives, and she has visitation/custodial rights, it is HIGHLY doubtful you are going to get around serving her. If these things are having a detrimental impact on your son you might consider filing for a change of custody/visitation to limit her contact with him first. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but adoption without consent is an uphill battle. I would suggest first taking measures to protect the child. When your son is just a little older, he will have a voice in what contact he does or does not want to have as well. So if things don't get better he can tell the judge why he doesn't want to visit his bio mom. Adoption might be a more doable option at that point.