[HopefulMommyNC]

My husband's ex-wife left in Aug 2000 and she was not alowed visition and they granted my husband soul custody and she has had no contact with our daugther since then. Michelle is now 5 and has only known me as her mommy. We live in NC and ex wife lives in TN . She now has another daugther so I am told through the grapevine. I want to adopt Michelle but what are my chances of winning? Some people are telling that since we have the same last name and the ex has no contact that I should leave well enough alone. I want her parental rights terminated, she hasn't paid a dime of child support. Nor do I want the money. I have supported and loved her and i want her to be mine legally. Will we have a hard time getting the rights revoked? What happens if she fights? Do the courts usally go with the birth mother or do they favor the one who has raised and supported the child? PLease help! I need something to go on......

[#1Mommy]

Check the laws in your state regarding abandonment. I live in TN (of all places, lol) and if the non custodial parent has not had contact nor paid child support then it is considered abandonment. You could file to do a step parent adoption based on that. Also the lack of child support payments (if it was court ordered) would be considered non-interest. Check with an atty in your state. A lot of atty's will do an initial consultation for free or very little if they charge (I had to pay $50 for the initial consultation and then go from there). Hope this helps.

[Joyful Momma]

Don't worry- the courts are concerned with the best interests of your child! I am the adoptive "real" momma of 3 wonderful precious gifts from God. Their birth mother, my husband's ex-wife, pulled a similar stunt.

My suggestions: first, 5 months without contact ("contact" does not include phone calls) is grounds for abandonment. If the ex is supposed to be paying child support, attending "transparenting" classes, etc, and has not done so, those are also grounds for termination of parental rights.

In the state of TN (you need to check with an adoption lawyer in your state for regulations), a request for termination of parental rights is filed at the same time as a request for step-parent adoption. The judge, or chancellor, will normally process those together.

Many prayers for you. If you need any other advice, info, please let me know!

[HopefulMommyNC]

Joyful momma how long did the whole process take?
Did the ex show up to court?
Our court papers say that she cannot have contact, but they also say to modife the order that she is to go to court. Those papers were written when she was 18mons old and she is now 5 and 4mons old. I am afraid that if we start the process since people tell me that the courts are hesitant to terminate the rights of the birth mother that one we will lose and second she will then be able to see michelle. I know that it would only be supervised because of the drug and achol use. This stuff is my greatest fear...should I forfill a dream of being her momma legally OR just leave well enough alone???!!!???

[Joyful Momma]

Actually, we did the whole process in TN. She went 6 mos without "legal contact" (physical visitation) and 6 mos without paying child support. Our attorney filed "request for termination papers/ simultaneous stepparent adoption paperwork", a court date was set, the bio mom was served with court subpeona (she did not show for court, etc). You need to have your paperwork straight- documented when and where she has ever visited, including time/date of any phone calls, letters. Also, if you have it, bring paperwork supporting that you are a wonderful parent (report cards, letters from friends, family, pastor, etc saying your daughter is well-adjusted, etc). We went before an awesome female judge (the same one who gave my husband custody during his divorce), who talked to the kids (at their request), then talked to my husband and me. She just wanted to know if our kids had a positive relationship with the bio (NO!), if there had been abuse (YES!, and DCS had a casefile on it), and if I planned to be their "forever mom" (DEFINATELY YES!!). The whole process took about 4 months from the time we went to the lawyer.

And I would say yes, you do need to pursue the "dream" of being her mom. Every child deserves parents who want her, and love her. Also, you don't want to leave the door open that the bio could decide in a few years that she wants the "tax credit" or "child support" and decide to sue for custody. Your daughter could end up in a big fat mess- a drug house, abuse, etc. Trust me, it happens way too much.

What part of TN does the bio live in? Are you guys going to sue for termination where you live, or in TN? If its in the same county in TN as we were in, I can send you the list of awesome contacts that can help you out.

Most of all, in the meantime, continue loving your little blessing, and be thankful for every day you have with her.