[JandTHall]

Can someone tell me what is the most common type of open adoption is where the bparent wants to be involved in the child's life? Do the adoptive parents tell the child early on that the bparent is a friend or do they say this is your bparent? What works best for young children? I understand that at some point the truth must be told,but what age is best? 18 seems way to old but 5 seems too young. What seems to work the best when the bparent wants to be involved however not be the main parent?

[BrandyHagz]

I'm a birthmother in open adoption. My daughter has known me as her birthmother forever…from day one “M” has known who I am, and what roll I play in her life. There is a difference in a parental relationship and a birthparent relationship…your daughter wouldn’t have 2 daddies. She would still only have one daddy, but she would also have one birthfather.

Regardless if your husband adopts your daughter or not, she needs to know who her biological father is…

[tobeafamily]

We are aparents in a fully open adoption. Ryan has known from day one who his bparents are, though at 21 months I don't think he gets it as a concrete concept yet.

HTH,

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Sledge]

I am an adad and it is never to young to tell them. Actually I believe the younger they know the easier it is for them to understand. If they know when they are younger that will give you more time to find out any answers they may have about their bfamily. I don't think there is a common type of open adoption, that is something you will work out with the bparents from the beginning and make adjustments as time goes on. Ours was very open in the beginning but is turning to being semi-open/very limited contact if any. Some start out semi-open/closed and move to totally open where holidays become huge afamily and bfamily gatherings.

[stacyone]

I'm an amom in a fully open adoption. We just got back from a visit w/M's bfamily, in fact.

Right now (my daughter is 22 months) I just tell her that babies come from their mommies tummies, and before she came to live with us she grew in another lady's tummy. That lady is *H*, who is her tummymom. My daughter has 2 brothers, so it's important that she understand everyone's role early on.

I also use the word 'adopted' quite a bit, so that it's never going to be a big shock. I say "We hit the baby jackpot when we adopted you!". We also read a couple of adoption stories.

I personally subscribe to the "Act like it's just a fact of life, no big deal, and that's exactly what it'll be" philosophy.

[DianeS]

I believe it is important that the child know the words long before he/she is old enough to understand what they mean.

Honestly, children don't even understand what grandfather and grandmother mean, but we tell children who they are and expect them to visit and talk. If we waited until children "understood" the ideas of reproduction and childraising to say that so-and-so is their grandfather, then a lot of things would get hazy and the change would be difficult for the child to take in. Same thing with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc.

Even though the child will not have the exact relationship straight in his/her head, he will understand that this is an important person because of the way mom and dad treat them and how happy everyone is to be together.

I myself had 2 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers while growing up (because of a divorce and remarriage). I had no idea that was weird. I believe I started to question it in 4th or 5th grade. I knew the facts, knew everyone's name (they were all different), but didn't know how it got that way! The explanation came much easier because I already had the love for each of those people, and believed I had a relationship with each, and a place in each of their lives. "How it happened" simply filled in the blanks once I was old enough to ask the questions. I never would have asked if those people hadn't already been important to me and had names and relationships with me for as long as I could remember.

Good luck!