[babyinmay]

I posted this in general step-parent adoption also, but thought maybe I would get some replys if I posted in two forums Thanks for any input:


Hi everyone, I am fairly new here. I recently established paternity for my son and the bio-father is being very cooperative with the adoption which my husband and I certainly appreciate. My question is more emotional than technical so I thought someone who had been in a similar circumstance might have some tips or advice for me.

My son has known since he was about 2 and a half that he had a bio-father (my husband has been his daddy since he was 18 months). My son is now 5 and it has been a few months since we mentioned his bio-father (We normally mention him every few months so that he always knows and is never shocked with the knowledge of a bio-father). So...a few days ago I got the DNA results and now had a name for my son's bio-father so we had "the" talk. My son seemed sad for the first time and was asking questions about why he had never met his bio-father, and actually asked if he could meet him! I had no idea of what to say. My heart was breaking....I told him that he had a daddy and that his bio-father was somebody who helped bring him into the world and that was it really.

I want to do the right thing and say the right thing so that my son doesn't feel abandoned by someone who was never there to begin with! I wrote my son's bio-father asking if he would be open to meeting my son when he was an adult so that if my son ever does want to find him he can be prepared with how the bio-father may react. Other than that I'm not sure what to do.

One more thing, for those of you who are managing to make it through my long post - how have you handled living in a small city (50,000 people) with your child's biological relatives who do not know they are related to your child? I get scared at the possiblitly of my child dating a cousin when he is older! It sounds silly but is not at all out of the realm of possibility. Also, I found myself in line behind my son's bio-aunt the other night, and wow was that sureal.

Thank-you to all of you who made it through my post and can offer any insight.

Lindsay

[lostdaddy]

I am a birthfather to my son who was adopted by his stepfather 5 years ago when my son was 4. My son always knew that he had a biological father out there somewhere. A year ago, when my son was 9 years old, he became persistent that he meet me.
His mother contacted me and I agreed to meet with my son. In fact, I wanted to meet him very much. When I initially allowed the stepfather to adopt him, it was out of love and wanting my son to have a 'normal' family and a full-time dad. I wasn't mature enough or financially or mentally capable of raising my son when he was a child. His mother was all those things and has done a great job raising him. We met with a counselor and she advised that my son meet me AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. She said we should make sure that my son understand that his mom and stepdad were his core family. That my role would be as birthfather and similar to an uncle. What you should definitely understand right now is that you are not alone. That you are not the only one going through this kind of situation. It is difficult. And it is confusing. But it is the world we live in and there are all kinds of blended families in this world now. I prayed long and hard about meeting my son and I think it was for the best. We have a great relationship. He still thinks of his stepdad as his 'daddy'. At first, he wanted to call me his 'other daddy', but I told him to just call me by my first name. That seemed to avoid any confusion. Since we met, my son's mother and stepfather have gone through divorce. His stepfather has decided that he wishes to terminate the adoption and has basically ceased all contact with my son. Let me stress, this was NOT caused by my reunion with my son. Their marital problems were preexisting. (I should mention that I'm happily married and have a 10 month old with my current wife). My involvement in my son's life has increased dramatically since his parent's divorce. Although I cannot replace his stepfather, it has been very helpful to him for me to be involved in his life. Without having that relationship already established, he would have no father figure at all in his life right now. I don't know your situation or what the birthfather in your son's life is like, but I definitely think you should talk with the birthfather to find out. If he is a decent person, he probably has lots of unexpressed love for your child. I think that giving your child the opportunity to at least meet and get to know his birthfather will be a benefit in your lives. But before doing that, please make sure the adoptive father is okay with it. I would never advise doing ANYTHING that would create problems in your marriage or in your family. If you love your husband and he is a good father to your son, that is the most important thing to protect at this point. Hope my perspective helped and I'd be glad to share any experiences I've gone through. God Bless!

[LegallyKim]

babyinmay,

Wow, I've never known someone who has a similar situation as mine and my daughters. I also raised her knowing that she had a "biological father". I met the man that she calls "Daddy" when she was two and so she does not remember when "Daddy" was not around. However, she has always know that there was someone who "helped bring her into this world". Even though my husband and I are divorced and he never officially adopted her, he is still "Daddy" and all that goes with that. He's very good to her and she definitely feels like his "real" daughter. I have lived in a town of about 3,000 people for several years with biological relatives of my daughters not knowing that she existed. My daughters biodad and I broke up before she was born, actually before I told him I was pregnant, and he never told his parents. Well, my daughter just turned 13. She has boy cousins that are only a couple of years older than her and I have been at community functions and stood right by her aunts and cousins numerous times. (In a town of 3.000) you can imagine. My daughter came one one day from school and told me about her cousin flirting with her (she did not know he was her cousin) so I told her that he and his brother are her cousins. She went on with that information for about 6 months, until one day, she decided she wanted her biological father's family to know. That was last summer. She has since met his parents, two aunts and several cousins, all of which live in the same town, and they are so good to her and she has a wonderful relationship with them. She still has not met or spoken to her biological father. As parents, we want to prevent our children from ever having to suffer anything, but I don't think it is possible to keep our children from feeling abandoned by their birthfather. For my daughter, she feels like he abandoned her twice, once when she was born and again now that his family has so much to do with her. I have never said anything bad about him because I never wanted to put bad thoughts in her head about him, should she ever decide she wants to meet him. She has no desire to meet him right now, but she loves having this new family in her life.

Although I cannot keep my daughter from feeling abandoned by her birthfather, I do remind her that she has a wonderful "Daddy" , that her birthfather was young and not ready for the responsibility, etc. I know that she has this pain because of decisions I made, and that tears me up, but I do the best I can for her.