[mom29]

I am very confused and unsure what to do now that my ex-husband is trying to contact me and my children. Several years ago he left and signed my children over for adoption. His abrupt leaving left my daughter hurt and troubled for a long time. My current husband adopted both of my children and loves them more than life. He has been very good to them and to me. Now my ex won't stop sending me letters and emails. He is always trying to get in touch with my children. When he left it hurt my children deeply and I won't allow him to hurt them that way again. My husband is adamant that he is now their father and we should have no contact with their birth dad. I don't know what to do. I've thought about working out a deal to email my ex periodically and let him know things that are going on with the kids but I feel that would be wrong to do behind my husbands back. I don't even know if I should tell my kids that my ex has contacted me. They never ask about him. They ask about some of the people in their "old family" but never about him. I'm sure they remember some of the horrible things he did to us. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do, or what you would do in my position?

[DianeS]

Noone else has answered yet, so I'll give this a shot.

In my opinion, even though the children are not legally his anymore, you should not cut him out of their life completely. Nor should your husband expect you to.

They are still biologically related. The children will need to know things from him. They'll need to know their genetic health history. They'll need to hear - from him - why he was willing to allow them to be adopted. They'll need to hear - from him - why he didn't pay child support for them. There are numerous things they need to know that you just don't know. If the children don't hear it from him now, they'll most likely search for him later and hear it then - without you around to listen in and correct any inconsistencies or shove him out of the room if his conduct is unacceptable.

It would be perfectly fair for you to sit your husband down and explain all this. He IS their daddy, and always will be, but he can't answer all their questions either. Allowing the biological father some limited (and through you) contact isn't harmful.

If your husband agrees to a trial, then lay down the law to your ex.
1- He is only to contact you, by a letter via registered mail, on a set schedule. (like once every 6 months) He is to include information about himself that may be informative or useful (like updated health history or family geneology), and a request for information about the children.
2- He will never attempt to contact the children in any way, shape, or form.
3- When you hear from him, you will reply with an update about the children and how they're doing. (Maybe a picture, too, it's up to you and your safety level.) You will send the letter by registered mail so you know he received it.
4- After he has consistently contacted you correctly for a set period of time (like two years), then you will consider informing the children and allowing them to add their own letters to yours when you reply to him.
5- If he EVER violates this contact agreement, he will not be sent any more information about the children.

The reasoning is to prevent him from pestering you every week for updates. The formality of writting a letter and sending it by the mail will keep the conversation from getting heated, off track, or too familiar. Putting the onus on him to request information shows whether he's truly interested or if it's a passing fancy. If he forgets to ask, you're off the hook. Requiring letters from him may help determine if he's reformed enough to trust with children's emotions. Prohibiting him from contacting the children will keep the power of information with you. Keeping the power in the relationship with you may keep him from intentionally violating the agreement in a way that would be harmful to the children.

That's my opinion. I hope it helps!

[BabsCanada]

Haven't seen a situation like this one before!

I agree with Diane's advice to you, but need to factor in the following -

How old are your kids?

Would your husband be more accepting if he was involved in the criteria for contact?

I think keeping this contact from your kids could backfire someday, although, if they are old enough to know that the relationship was bad, they may understand your keeping this from them.

All in all tho, if you & your husband (their dad!) can control the contact, it should be win-win.

You and hubby remain as the parents who opted for the best for the kids.

Bio-dad has a chance to make up for what he's done in past.

Kids have an opportunity to ask what they need to ask, from the one who has the answers.

But I think their age(s) must be a point to consider.

Also privacy & distance - and keeping your lives separate from him , for sure at least in the beginning. I'm sure you don't want him on your doorstep.

[solonely1974]

How old are your children?

You could kinda casually ask the kids, when you all are all sitting around, how they would feel if their bfather wanted contact with them.
This way you could kinda see how they would feel since you don't want your children hurt by him again.

I hope things go ok.
Best of luck

Sarah

[mom29]

My children are 13 and 7. My son was only a few months old and but my daughter remembers everything that happened with her birth dad. She even wrote a speech for a talent contest on the subject. The way he cut them out was by moving out of state and disconnecting his phone without letting anyone know how to contact him. It hurt my daughter tremendously. My only hesitation toward bringing him up to my daughter is that it may once again send her into the emotional depression it took her two years to get out of. She once witnessed him choke me unconscious and she thought I was dead. She had nightmares about losing me for a long time. She never asks about him, although she has at time asked about cousins from his family. When another chid in school pointed out to my son last year that he was adopted we tried to explain to him why but he refuses to even consider that there is another man out there besides my husband -- his dad. I know he doesn't care to have any contact with him as of now, maybe when he's older he may. I just want to do what is the best for my daughter without bringing up old wonds or possibly causing her anymore pain while at the same time not having to worry that my ex might just show up one day and cause problems for my children or act in an inappropriate way.

[solonely1974]

i believe you should tell the birthfather to stay away... even though he may not listen. Just do your best to protect you childrem from this man. He may be their birthfather, but you know what, so what. What has he done for them besides hurt them emotionally? Nothing from what i see. The man has no rights, he gave that up. He has no choice. It's up to the kids. When they want to talk about him or see him they will bring it up to you and your husband.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm upset but I hate seeing this... a man abuse his family, walk out, sign his rights to someone else and then later on down the road say "i want to see my kids". I'm adopted and I don't really consider myself my birthmom's kid. I am biologically, but in my heart I am my parent's child. My birthmom I hope will soon be a friend I wish to meet. I believe you exhusband will never be a freind, but will remain a foe.

Just be strong and continue to go on with loving and protecting your family. Looks like you are doing a good job at it.

Best of luck
Sarah

[DianeS]

He CHOKED you in front of your daughter!?!?!?

Then ignore everything I said. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, or let him know anything about the children other than they were alive.

Get a restraining order for you and for the children until they are 18, have a lawyer send it to him. In return for obeying the order, you'll send him a postcard once a year saying "the children are still alive".

Even that's more than he deserves. Yes, he still has answers that nobody else does, but people that violent rarely change, so I don't (personally) think that the answers to the questions are worth the potential risk. Perhaps cultivate a letter-writing relationship with an extended relative of his who could at least provide the geneological and medical history that will be needed later. But contact with him? I'd wholeheartedly vote NO WAY.

[Eventually]

And I agree. There is no room for this guy in your children's lives. If my children's bio-father tried to worm his way back into the picture....well, let's just say that I wouldn't let him!

[Richard Justin]

I can't really disagree with the last few posts. Do nothing that might put yourself or your children in physical or emotional danger. But if you feel there is a middle ground, like some of the first replys were suggesting, let me recommend an excellent book.

The Prodigal Father

by Mark Bryan.

The book tells men what they need to do to prepare and to be worthy of reuniting. It covers all the bases, and has a section for mothers in situations like you're in. It would be helpful for you to read, and I think it should be mandatory for any man wanting to reunite with his children, It helped me immensly as I prepared to search for my bson. It helped me become the kind of man that a child would want to meet.

God bless you, your children, and your husband, and may God help your ex to be worthy.

Rich

[need2Bfree]

I feel for you. I too left an abusive relationship where just about the same thing happened to me in front of my older 2 children. I can tell you, it scarred them. To this day, they are now 19 & 22, whenever they hear his name they cringe. We will probably never totally get past the abuse he dished out. Protect your child no matter what the cost. Don't allow him to make what he did in the past acceptable, because it never will be. He gave up something precious and will never have that back. Do some digging, why does he want back in now? I would not go behind your husbands back, it would only hurt that relationship, and for what? Tell him and decide together what to do. As your ex signed off all rights, then it is what you decide together that counts. Good luck!

Has he atoned for any of the hurt he caused you and your family? Has he recieved any kind of help? Or is he just trying to geyt something back.....I'll bet he has not done anything to show how wrong his behavior was....I'll bet this may just be an attempt to control you again. Sort of testing the waters to see where you stand. He is trying to worm his way in again. My intuition is to stay away from him...you don't desreve the stress and more importantly neither do your children.

In my opinion it would take many, many years to prove he was worthy of rentering your lives.

[KristieMaureen]

Normally I'd advocate for letting the children know, based on the fact that secrets rarely come to any good. However....

My sister has just recently left an abusive relationship, and the psychological and physical torment continue by both her ex and his family. I've watched my precocious, intelligent, sparkly-personality 7 yr old niece close off the world and cry non-stop... all due to her father's actions. The scars he has inflicted upon this child in just the past few months are going to take years to overcome, and due to custody laws, he'll be allowed to continue being a presence in her life causing her more pain (he's not physically abusive to her, but his comments about my sister, his behavior towards her, and the in-laws behavior are going to cause more damage than any bruise ever could). If we could get my sister and her child out of the State without facing kidnapping charges, we certainly would.

So, experiencing all of that, I'd deny any direct contact between him and your children at this age. If you follow the advice of a strict letter-writing schedule, and he sticks to it for the period of time you determine, maybe that's a start in him proving he's changed and won't harm your children more than he already has. As for telling your children that he's contacted you... you know your children best. If you think that knowing he's interested in contact won't cause more damage, then tell them. They'll know that you're open and honest with them - doesn't put you in the position of being the bad guy. Better still, if your daughter has been to counselling, ask the counselor. He/she could give you a better analysis of what she's ready/not ready for. But telling them he's contacted you and actually allowing direct contact between them.... two totally separate issues. Until he's proven over a long period of time that he's not going to hurt them all over again, I'd keep them apart.

Kristie
Adult Adoptee

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by mom29
My husband is adamant that he is now their father and we should have no contact with their birth dad. I don't know what to do. I've thought about working out a deal to email my ex periodically and let him know things that are going on with the kids but I feel that would be wrong to do behind my husbands back. I don't even know if I should tell my kids that my ex has contacted me. They never ask about him.

First things first. Just because your kids never ask about him does not mean they do not think about him. They may not feel it is safe to share those thoughts with you and your husband.

As far as your husband is concerned, please do not do anything behind his back. Your ex is not worth jepordizing your current relationship with lies of omission. It sounds to me as though your husband is both feeling protective of you and your kids, as well as maybe a bit of fear as to what this may mean for him.

If you do decide to open up communication via e-mail, let both your kids and husband know about it. Those kinds of secrets can bite you in the butt. Open communication really is the key here.