[evyandraul]

My husband has raised my daughter since she was 18 months old. He is the only father that my daughter has ever known. My daughter is now turning 11 and she wants my husband to adopt her, and wants very much to change her last name because, it's from someone she deson't even know. The last time her biological father saw her, was at the age of two.

A couple of years ago, I contacted my ex-boyfriend, to ask him to sign off his parental rights and had my daughter talk to him and explain that it was what she wanted as well, because she wants her daddy the only father that she has ever known to adopt her. Well, he flat out refused and now out of no where two and a half years later, he is asking the courts for visitations. He is a comlete stranger Who by the way, had once gotten supervised visits when my daughter was 2 and stopped showing up for visits and court, and so the case was dismissed. there is a serious reason why the visits were supervised; all I can say is that he is not someone I would want the courts to award visitations to. My daughter is happy, has a wonderful relationship with the ONLY father that she knows and wants, all we want is to possibly get help in seeking involuntary termination of parental rights, so that my husband could adopt her. Any advice? What will happen now? Will my husband not be able to pursue adopting her? She wants to have nothing to do with her biological dad. Is there anything that we can do? [color=blue]

[HappyMomAnna]

These situations are always difficult to predict. there are several things that a judge would consider. Your daughters desires will matter at her age. Her birthfathers lack of interest will also play a part. Has he ever paid child support?
The reasons for the supervised order will matter--has he changed or continued to be the kind of person who needs to be supervised...?
You could hire an attorney (family law and adoption) and aske to have the parental rights of the bio father terminated. They usually require proof that he is unfit..... if he isn't unfit and if he is just a dumb A*s -loser who waited around and got scared oneday because he realized he didn't know his little girl......maybe it won't hurt to let your daughter get to know him..... Many adopted children grow up and feel a part is missing--your daughter may become an adult and want to know her father. Do you know if he has changed? Is he married and mature now? Is he regretting this lost time.....it could happen.

Think ahead to when your daughter is a grown woman and decides to contact her birth father.........will your story and your feelings be the reality she finds as an adult? Do you want her to be angry and resentful and accuse you of denying her the right to know her bio father? Your daughter will grow up and she will most likely form her own opinions.

But, if he is in fact a horrible man who has no right to say he is her dad.....then an attorney should have no problem helping you terminate his rights.

Many children have wonderful relationships with step-parents but are also given the chance to know the bio parent..... I don't have to tell my two birth children (19&20) why I didn't stay married to their father---or why I demand he not spend time with them unsupervised---as they have grown up they have come to understand the answers to this by their own witnessing of him. I don't need to say a single bad word about their father ever---because it is really clear to them. I don't have to put him down or give them a reason to be angry with him---he does that job for me. I don't have children who resent me or question why their father has not been a bigger part of their lives.....and i never had to pay a lawyer a ton of money to cut the ties.

My kids love their step-father very very much and they do not resent me for any chioce I have made. They have never heard me speak of their father in any way that might damage their self esteem.

Remember as your daughter grows she will realize that her genes are this man you hate so much. Many children take on bad feelings about themselves and think that if their father is so bad they must be bad too........

Think about all the issues and remeber that you will be the mother of an 'adult' child much more time then you are the mother of a minor child.......when they grow up they do ask questions, they do want to know bio family and they do decide what mistakes you make they will hold aggainst you. What if your daughter grows up and finds her birthfather has been reformed and is now an honorable man with a heart to share with his own daughter?

[evyandraul]

Thank you for responding. To answer your first question, he has paid child support. At one time in my life, after our break up, I went on public assistance, and they took him to court for child suppoet. I never asked him for a penny. What they asked him to pay at that time has remained the same all of these years. He only pays $68 every two weeks. Although he later made a lot more money. I never asked for an increase, because I really don't want anything from him. It's as if he doesn't pay anything because they have always automatically taken out of his pay, and because the amount is so small, it has not affected him.

The reason why the visits were supervised is because he had sexually molested my little sister. At that time she was 12 years old. My mom filed charges and he was arrested and my sister was given an order of protection. But then, he begged my Mom not to continue to follow through with the charges, and so my Mom and him agreed that if he stayed away from all of us, that she would not follow the charges through. And he agreed. He kept away, for about 8 months and later asked the courts for visitations, but because I explained to the courts what had happened, they only allowed supervised visits. After several months of having to go to court, he stopped showing for the visitaions and court.

He is not someone who I would want around my child because of what he did to my little sister. I fear that he would do the same to her, because she is around the age that my sister was when he did that to her. I am also afraid of him and who his family is. They are alcholics and drug addicts and in the neighborhood where he still resides, there are drugs being sold, and it is normal to see drug addicts, prostitutes and shootings. I don't want my child exposed to any of that. I've told her, that if and when she changes her mind about getiing to know him, we will support her, if that is what she wants. But her mind is made up and she has no interest whatsoever.


I want to make it clear, that I have never done or said anything to turn my daughter against him. Except for tell her the truth, that he got fresh with my little sister. I've never ever gone into details. That was all she needed to know. Like your ex, he has done it all on his own. My daughter and I went around where he lives two and a half years ago, when she asked me to please ask the courts to allow me to change her last name, and because the courts said that he would need to sign, I took her with me, so that she could speak to him herself and when she saw where he lives, and how he treated me in front of her, and also how his drug addict brother rode up and down the block cursing and and making threats, she was thankful that she didn't grow up around people like that. And begged me never to take her there again, and was thankful that she didn't have to know them.

She not only feels the way that she does, because of that incident, but also, because he is a stranger like any other stranger one crosses in the street. She has never known him, so there is no interest there. She feels that she already has alll that she wants. My husband and her have a very strong father and daughter relationship, so she doesn't feel like there is anyting missing. On the contrary, she gets annoyed when I question her being sure about not wanting to know her biological father. She says that she is sure. That why would she want to know someone like that, that he and his family are crazy. Her exact words.

I respect her decision. She is a very bright girl. I am actually relieved that she feels the way she does, because I am seriously afraid of what his intentions might be after all of these years, and will not live with myself if he were given the opportunity to possibly repeat what he did to my little sister who he knew very well, on his "biological daughter" who he doesn't know at all making it that much easier for him not to even think twice.


Understand now, why we are concerned? I really do hope that the courts consider strongly what she desires, and hopefully dismiss the case, so that we could put this behind us. So, that we may contiinue with our plans to have my husband adopt her, as that is what she has wanted since she understood that her "daddy" was not her biological dad, and that was why she had someone elses last name.

We are actually in the process of looking for a lawyer. We were jus t served with these papers a few days ago.

[HappyMomAnna]

All things considered I think you are right in your decision. I feel that this is a case where a parent is unfit to have the rights of a parent. Expecially when another person is there and has been the parental role for so long.

I would be collecting everything you need to support your claim before you go to the lawyer. You might even have your daughter write a letter to the court about how she feels. This could save her from having to go to court which in my opinion is not a place for a child.

What you need is a termination of birthdads rights. There are only two-ways your husband will be able to adopt and you have tried the first way. It sounds like you have enough to support the claim he is not fit to be a father and when you speak to the attorney and court you need to use strong language and make your points very clear.

Good Luck

[evyandraul]

Again thanks for the advice. I think the idea of having my daugher write a letter is a good one. I will most definitly keep that in mind and ask her to write one. I do plan on being firm. And will make sure to tell my lawyer to fight for no visitations. I am gathering my evidence and will hope that the judge rule in my favor. Everyone agrees that the decision should be on our side. My main concern is that he will continue to petition visitations in the future, and try to make things difficult. In any regard let's hope this night mare will be over with soon. : ) Many thanks to you! Good Luck with your situation as well.

Feel free to write me if you come up with other suggestions or ideas.

Sincerely,
Evy