[LadySpirit]

Hello to everyone on this board. I just found it and didnt even know there was a name for what we wanted to do.

I have two children from two separate fathers. My daughter is 12 and my son is 8. I was not married to either bf.

I left my daughters bf when she was 18 months old. He and I remained friends and saw each other often. I allowed him to see our daughter whenever he wanted and he would watch her at night occassionally. It was a very friendly situation. Until....
1 month before my son's first birthday, she was about 4 1/2 she told me that he made her touch his privates with lotion. I immediatedly stopped all visits and confronted him.. he gave all sort of excuses and never admitted to it.

I was with son's bf for year and half but left him right before my son was born due to physical and verbal abuse of myself and my daughter. I got back together with him after my son was born, thinking that I needed to try one more time to make it work. He punched me in the stomach after my c section and that was the final straw. I moved into my parents house and he never came to see me or my son.

I met a wonderful man on the Internet and we became very close and fell in love. He lived on the east coast, me on the west coast. Right after I found out about my daughter and the abuse I knew I had to get out of the area so that it would never happen again.

I contacted both BFs and told them I was leaving to NJ and gave them contact info.

I moved here in August of 96 my daughter was almost 5 and my son had just turned 1.

Ive never received ANY child support from either man. My duaghter's BF has contacted us twice maybe 3 times but the last time was over 5 years ago. My son's BF has never contacted us and I have no idea where he is. The DA in California found him only to collect money owed to the state for Welfare.

I have made a wonderful new life in NJ and the wonderful man I met on the internet and I have been together for 7 + years. We just got married last month.

Both children call him daddy. My daughter knows she has a bf but wants to be adopted by my husband. He wants to adopt them as he feels they are HIS children. My son has no idea there is another man out there that was a sperm donor. He has been using my husband's last name for 4 years and is only insured under the "other last name"

Whew.. thats a long story.,.. if you are still reading... THANK YOU

We are now looking into adoption, have an appointment with an attorney on Monday morning.

I was just wondering, if we havent heard from the BF in 5+ years and have never recieved child support or anything.. do we still need to get consent or do we just post someting in the newspapaer. Im sure this is going to all be answered by the lawyer, but wanted to get real feedback from other parents involved in step-parent adoptions.

thanks for reading. Hope to hear back from you soon.

[#1Mommy]

We live in TN so of course things will be different. My son's birthmother has not seen my son in 6 yrs nor has she paid child support. But since she is still his "mother" we have to get her consent for me to adopt my son. She is now contesting it after not being there for my son for the past 6 yrs. Just prepare yourself for the unexpected. We never in a million yrs thought she would contest, but she did, so we are back in limbo not realy knowing what is going to happen. Email me anytime if you want to talk, vent, etc.

[LadySpirit]

thanks #1Mommy. I appreciate your post.

I defnitely know that starting this process is goign to open a can of worms, I would rather remain closed. You know the saying. No news is good news. I take that with me every month we dont hear from either one of them.

My daughter really want this adoption. She wants her name changed too. She and I have discussed this isnt an easy thing. Its not just a "hey adopt me.. okay.. no problem its done" type of thing. It may bring him back into our lives...he may fight it for some reason. She is 12, I didnt want her going into this with her eyes closed.

As for my son.. Im dreading this one. He doesnt even know a bf exists. And he isnt emotionally mature enough to handle it yet. But i guess we do what we have to do.. and deal with it one day at a time.

What happens when the bf or ** contest it. What is the process at that point?

Again thanks for your feedback. It is much appreciated.

[n8parry]

Hello,

My name is nate, I am almost in the same situation. I just got married three months and she has a 6 year old son. The father has never seen, talked or heard from him in his entire life. 6.5 years. I would also like to know if I could adopt him with out the consent of his birth father. The birth father has not help finacially either. Could you please let me know if you get an answer to your question and I will do the same for you. I really would like to know how much trouble I will have to go through to adopt my new son.
THanks for your time. and good luck with everything.
Nate

[LadySpirit]

Hi Nate. Nice to meet ya. Congrats on your new marriage. I wish you much happiness, love and patience.

We live in New Jersey so anything I post will have relate to the laws of that state.

We met with our attorney and he stated that we need to TRY to find them. To cut down the costs of the attorney I told him I would do the searching myself. The laws in New jersey state that if you dont know where they are you have to do "due diligence" in finding the birth parent.

As you know my children have two separate sperm donors. (they are not fathers )I was able to find one sperm donors' parents. I had to contact them and see if they knew where he was. They dont know where he is and havent heard from him in 1.5 years. I also searched online via whitepages.com, switchboard.com, netdetective and many other places. I was asked by my attorney to document my search. So I have. We werent able to find him, so Im waiting to hear back from the attorney on next step. If you cant find them you have to give the court a affidavit of inquiry stating how hard you tried to find them. When I hear back from the attorney (hopefully today) I will let you know the next step.

Sorry I dont have too much information. We are still in the beginning phases of this whole thing.

Take care and let me know if you have any more questions, I will try and help you out.

[n8parry]

Thanks a lot for you imput. I am in the very early stages of this and I apperciate your help.
I really don't want to get my new sons' father involved at all if I can help it. Do you know if I need to contact him to change his last name to Mine as his mother is? He has his mothers maiden name not the fathers.

Thanks for your help again.
Nate

[LadySpirit]

The courts will require that you serve him with papers one way or the other. If you cant find him..or have no idea where he is...you have to search. If you still cant find him then i THINK you have to post in the newspaper.. but not positive.

I DREADED trying to contact either one. I hated the idea of possibly bringing them into our life since they have been nonexistent for 7 years. Derfinitely afraid of opening the pandora box. But we need to do what we have to do since it is so very important that my husband wants to adopt them. We will do whatever we have to do....and live with the consequences of trying to find them.

As for just changing his name.. hmmmmm Not positive on that one. But I would THINK...remember this is only my opinion, not based on fact... I would think you could do a legal name change.

Hope this helps.

[n8parry]

Thanks, I will keep you posted


Hey my Istant message is (inspectornate) if you have it or interested in it, we could chat more on the topic at hand.
Nate

[LadySpirit]

Is that on AIM/AOL? Lemme know. I have MSN too if you wish to add me.

spiritdance@aol.com is contact addy same for aim/aol