[drewg181]

I had great feedback on another area of this forum. I'd like to hear some comments from stepparent adopters. I am the birthfather that allowed the stepdad to adopt 11 yrs ago.

______

In 1990 I made a terrible mistake w/my then wife. She was pregnant at the time. In 1992, I allowed her husband to adopt my two children, ages 4 and 2. Leap ahead to 2003...I live within 15 miles of them, I have my own wife and my own children with my wife.

If you were my ex-wife and her husband, what would you say/think/feel if you received this letter at home: (names are fictitious)

Thank you for your comments

_________

I believe the only thing more difficult than writing this letter is reading it, so my fervent prayer is that God grants you patience and understanding as you read.

Jan and Jack, you and your family have been on my mind for months. Not the “back of my mind” stuff, but in my dreams, in my daily thoughts. It’s been a burden, yet always worth bearing. The few tangential peeks into Mike’s and Amy’s life seem to show a wonderful family, with great gifts and great opportunity. Trust me - these peeks are only through newspapers and news clips available to anyone. But I treasure them.

In my recollections, there is a glaring gap – Have I ever sought forgiveness for the sins I committed against you? To you Jan for the unspeakable pain and upheaval I caused you. To Amy and Mike, for allowing stupid acts and stupid pride to tear apart a marriage and family. To Jack, for placing him in a difficult place. I sinned against <<other names>> for making them see their precious daughter, sister, or granddaughter suffer and have to bear a terrible burden. I sinned against my parents – they no longer see their only granddaughter. And I sinned against <<other names>> - my family. They have to bear the effects of a father torn and ridden by guilt and angst.

A treasured family friend, who also knew <<wife>> and me, and whose wisdom and counsel I honor, advises that perhaps the adoption may not have been for the best. I don’t know if I agree on that point, but if it was wrong, if you and Jack felt it was wrong, if it placed hardship on you and your family, I apologize too. Perhaps it was my way of maintaining pride, of paying penance. Again a prideful act may have gotten in the way of other, perhaps better, avenues. There is no way of know how any other course of action would have worked, but I am truly thankful for how you have made this one work.

Jan and Jack, I seek your forgiveness - I pray for it. I don’t presume you two have had the difficulties I have had, so perhaps this chapter for you has been long closed. But it is my hope you reply to this letter simply letting me know you have received it, and if you wish, a brief glimpse into how Amy and Mike are doing. Please - agree or disagree - just let me know you have received this and understand what I have tried to share.

May God continue to bless the you both, and of course your family,

[lucyjoy]

"A treasured family friend, who also knew <<wife>> and me, and whose wisdom and counsel I honor, advises that perhaps the adoption may not have been for the best. I don’t know if I agree on that point, but if it was wrong, if you and Jack felt it was wrong, if it placed hardship on you and your family, I apologize too. Perhaps it was my way of maintaining pride, of paying penance. Again a prideful act may have gotten in the way of other, perhaps better, avenues"

In all honesty, this might bother me. It kind of sounds like your telling them that their being the parents could be wrong.


It also might be good to be a little more specific as to what you're wanting-pictures, contact if and when the children are ready etc. Just a thought.

The rest of the letter was good and may go a long way i healing all wounds. I've been told I'm terribly opinionated, so if this offends you, don't take it personnally.

[drewg181]

The particular paragraph Lucyjoy commented on is the one I am having the most trouble with too. I felt then (and still do) that I had all the right motives in mind - I wanted them to have the family structure I had growing up...one mom, one dad, one last name, no tugs of war. But perhaps step dad felt backed into it (although I continued to pay support, I didn't visit the children after their marriage - to give them a chance to bond as a new family) Perhaps that was wrong?

Thanks for the viewpoint.

[lucyjoy]

" I felt then (and still do) that I had all the right motives in mind - I wanted them to have the family structure I had growing up...one mom, one dad, one last name, no tugs of war"

Say that.

"I didn't visit the children after their marriage - to give them a chance to bond as a new family) Perhaps that was wrong?"

Say that.

Anything suggesting you forced step dad to step up is going to come off bad, no matter how you mean it. He may have really enjoyed being their dad. You don't wnat to give him the impression that you think he was only a stand in and you want your place back. If it works out for you to rebuild your relationship with your children at some point, you don't want it to seem like you're trying to replace the relationship with the step dad.

Just my thoughts.

[Eventually]

If I received a letter from my ex-husband out of the blue, I would be furious. As far as I'm concerned, he has no right to contact my children, my husband or me.

However, I doubt our situations are similar, so perhaps your ex-wife feels differently about you than how I feel about my ex.

[drewg181]

Do the posters on this forum believe the bfather has a right to reenter the children's lives? Ever? Under any circumstances?

I have been a model father/husband for my current wife, and (I speak meekly) except for a sole indiscetion at a HORRIBLE time I was not a bad husband to my first wife.

My goal? To be part of the children's lives, and to be a grandfather to their children. I am willing to wait until they are 18, but these things take time. The oldest is 15, the youngest 12.

Yes this letter is "out of the blue" perhaps, but perhaps not. My parents have been in touch with her father (also a divorcee) so the edges have been probed. They have a current photo which he shared with them with my ex-wife's permission.

I truly seek a win-win situation.

Thanks for the feedback "eventually", I was really hoping for some comments from stepdad who adopted. Any out there?

[Eventually]

I asked my husband for his opinion since you said you are looking for some comments from a "stepdad who adopted." He said that he would not appreciate a letter from my ex and that my ex isn't supposed to be contacting us anyways per court order.

As the mother of my children, I do not believe that my ex has any right to reenter my children's lives...EVER! All it would do is cause heartache for us as our divorce was not amicable and my ex spent time in prison for abusing my children. But I take it that your situation is vastly different and so what I am saying applies to my experience only. Had it been different, I can say that I would have a greatly different opinion.

Originally posted by drewg181
Do the posters on this forum believe the bfather has a right to reenter the children's lives? Ever? Under any circumstances?

I have been a model father/husband for my current wife, and (I speak meekly) except for a sole indiscetion at a HORRIBLE time I was not a bad husband to my first wife.

My goal? To be part of the children's lives, and to be a grandfather to their children. I am willing to wait until they are 18, but these things take time. The oldest is 15, the youngest 12.

Yes this letter is "out of the blue" perhaps, but perhaps not. My parents have been in touch with her father (also a divorcee) so the edges have been probed. They have a current photo which he shared with them with my ex-wife's permission.

I truly seek a win-win situation.

Thanks for the feedback "eventually", I was really hoping for some comments from stepdad who adopted. Any out there?

Eventually is 100% right when saying that every situation is different. The step-father that adopted my husband's daughter 10 years ago, divorced the the Bio mom 7 years ago. Now he wants my husband to re-adopt his daughter!

[devotedmom]

I just thought I had to add my two cents worth here.

My son's bf gave up his rights in 1997 and my husband (then but now divorced) adopted my son. At the time, the bf suggested signing over rights because he wanted out of any child support obligation. In MO he could not sign over rights unless my husband adopted my son, so... that's what we did. Obviously not the best decision since the marriage didn't work out.

In 2000 the bf showed up after 3 years wanting to be part of my son's life. Yes, I felt like he had NO right to ask for anything and YES I greatly resented his doing so. But, those were my feelings and I knew that my son's had to come first. Long story short, I allowed him to visit with my son (then age 11) but not to leave with my son. I felt that he no longer knew my child and my child no longer knew him. Allowing him to visit without my supervision would have been like leaving my child with a stranger. I suggested that as he rebuilt a relationship he needed to maintain contact, rather by visiting, phoning, writing, e-mail, whatever as long as he kept in contact. He'd stop by once in a great while. Sent one birthday card, two easter gifts and visited at Christmas in 2000 and 2001. By July of 2002, my son's 13 birthday, he had again forgotten all about my son and we haven't heard from him since. I'm sure you can imagine the feelings that causes for my son.

PLEASE, before you send that letter, be prepared for the long-term. Be sure that your current feelings are not brought about by guilt alone. Be prepared for a chilly reception from not just your xwife and her husband but also possibly from your children. I know my son cares about his bf and wants very much to have him in his life but he also knows that the bf made the choice to abandon him..not once, not twice but multiple times now. Consider what upheaval you might cause in THEIR lives. THEY have to be the most important factor in your decisions.

I wish you the best, rather you send the letter or not. My prayers are with you, but more importantly my prayers are with your children...the ones you gave up for adoption and the ones you didn't, cause this WILL affect all of them. May God Bless You All!