[craftymama]

My husband and I are seriously confused about the "right" thing to do in this situation, and would appreciate any opinions or advice on the subject.

I have been with my husband for 3 years; we have been married for 2 months. I have an almost 4-year-old from a brief fling, and my husband has been his father figure since he was a year old. When I became pregnant, the bio-dad did not stay in contact with me, although I called him at least once a month until my sixth month of pregnancy. He was not there when my son was born, and made a brief visit with him at 6 months of age. At this time, he found out that I still did not want an intimate relationship with him, and I never heard from him again. My son was on Medicaid from the time he was born, and at a year old, the state said they would have to pursue the bio-dad for child support or I would not be able to receive Medicaid anymore. Because of my financial situation at the time, I felt I had no choice, and consented to this. The bio-dad wanted a paternity test, found out he was in fact the father, and has since had weekly contact with my son. His name is now on my sons birth certificate as the father, and my son now calls him "Daddy".

The problem is, the bio-dad is clinically depressed, and it has affected his ability to take care of my son on his own. We do not have official visitation set up by the courts - I allowed him weekly visitation when he asked me if it would be alright. My son used to spend one night a week at his house, but the bio-dad would always pick him up late and bring him home early. After a few months of this, I called the bio-dad and left a message telling him that I would be on his side of town, and would pick up my son at his home. He did not get the message, and when I showed up, there was trash spilling onto the kitchen floor (you could hardly walk in there), there was days-old food sitting in bowls and plates, there was old food on my son's eating table, and as I walked in, my son was dipping his cereal into milk that was so old it has started to curdle. From that day on, I told the bio-dad that he could only see my son in a supervised setting. He could see him at my house every week, and at his mother's house when she would keep him overnight (his mother helped me make these arrangements). When I told him this, he told me that he was relieved, that it was "hell" when my son stayed over, because he could not handle taking care of him.

My son recently broke his arm while my husband and I were home, and at the hospital, we realized that my husband could sign no paperwork consenting to any treatment for my son. This scares me because, in the 3 years the bio-dad has been around, he has had a working phone for 2 months. If I was not there, there would be no way to contact him for consent, and the doctors would be making decisions my husband should make.

I am now pregnant with another child with my husband, and I now have his name, and my son still has my maiden name (he never had bio-dad's name). I want him to feel secure and feel like he's part of the family, and I'm afraid that with another baby on the way, he'll feel very left out in the next few years. I also want to make sure that if something were to happen to me, that my husband would be the one responsible for taking care of him, because I'm afraid of what might happen if the bio-dad gets custody of my son, and the repurcusions of a split family. I now am a stay-at-home mom, and my husband takes care of us financially. The bio-dad still pays child support (it is deducted from his check automatically), although he has asked me before if we could have it lowered, because it "costs too much".

Would we be doing the right thing if my husband adopts my son? Since the bio-dad has regular contact with him, would we have a chance in court? I'm so confused over this situation, and I want to make sure we do the right thing. In the end, I just want to make sure that my son is taken care of financially and emotionally, and these are two things that I don't think the bio-dad could do. Please help!

Lisa

[lucyjoy]

Have you tried talking to the bio dad about this? I know that sounds a little weird, but he did admit it was tough for him to care for your son. It sounds like he's trying to give your son the best that he's able to do.

One suggestion for the medical part is to ask him to sign a medical power of attorney that would allow your husband to make medical decisions for your son.

What about a legal guardianship? You'd have to check with an attorney to see how that would work. The bio dad could still retain some rights, but your husband would be able to make legal decisions and have a good chance of retaining custody if something were to happen to you.

My friend is a paranoid schizophrenic. He cares for his son when the mom drops him there and decides it's his turn. He knows this isn't the best arrangement, but he wants to be the child's father.
He would gladly give up all his rights and be perfectly happy with supervixed visits that would allow his son to be safe and still have a relationship with him. If the bio dad is not threatened by your husbands place in his sons life, maybe he can help you make arrangements that would insure your sons care and not eliminate him.

A court is not likely to terminate his rights if he pays child support and visits regularly. I'm not sure it's fair to your son either.

As a step parent, my son's mother and I had an understanding that we each had a different role in our child's life. We never talked badly about each other and respected each others time with our son and the importance of those relationships(she wasn't terribly stable either and our son knew that without us ever having to say it to him. He loved her, and she was his mother.)

Anyway, just some suggestions.

[craftymama]

Those are great suggestions. Thanks! I don't think I made it clear that, in wanting my husband to adopt, I don't want the bio-dad out of the picture. He would still be welcome to come over and visit as usual, and the arrangements with his mother would still stand. I just want to make sure that my son is taken care of now and after my death.

As for talking to the bio-dad about this so far, I have not. I'm a little in the dark, I think, on what can be done and what would be in the best interest of my son, so I don't want to come to him and be really really confused like I am now.

[lucyjoy]

I just thought he might feel adoption as you taking his son away where the other options he may feel he has some say but is protecting his son. Until you actually are ready to talk to him, it's hard to say how he'll react.

[craftymama]

That a really good point. I'm going to discuss what you suggested with my husband. The more I think about it, having my husband have legal guardianship might be the best route to take. What do you think about changing my sons last name to my husbands name? He currently has my maiden name, and I really think changing his name would make him feel more part of the family since we have another child on the way. What do you think?

[lucyjoy]

That's a tough one. I understand your position. I'm just thinking about all the emotion that could stir up with grandma and bio dad, even though your switching from your maiden name. Maybe, if you have a good relationship with grandma, you might talk with her and bio dad about changing the name and why and that it won't affect the relationships. Sometimes, just allowing people to be part of the process can ease any negative feelings they could potentially have about it.