[kjlambers]

My husband is trying to adopt my 3 1/2 yr old daughter and her paternal grandparents are fighting for visitation rights since her father is deceased. Does anyone have any information they can offer to me. I reside in Idaho and I am unable to obtain a clear answer dealing with the grandparents being awarded visitation and if the adoption would terminate the visitation rights if they are awarded.

[mamatokay]

Why do the paternal grandparents have to fight for visitation with their grandchild, especially since the bfather is deceased?

Please clarify exactly what you are asking, do you want the visitations to stop if your husband adopts the child, or you want them to continue.??

Just trying to understand what your question is.

[vicrose]

I am not a Grandparent, but a parent who went through a very messy divorce, and now my ex-husband never sees the children. Anyway, I could by all means terminate his parental rights...and here in NY, my ex-mother in law would not have any Grandparent rights...but even though her son is a loser...I myself cannot take it out on her, and this is something you should consider also...you need as many people in your child's life as possible at such an early age...children really thrive by having lots of family around. Yes, my ex-mother in law is a real pain in the you know what at times...but I've seen way too many people take away visitation from the Grandparents, when all these folks want to do is to love they're grandchildren.....I know that this adoption will in all likelyhood go through, but think about what your doing to your child when you take away the Grandparent.........Sincerely, Brenda....

[mamatokay]

I am a grandmother, as well as an adopted mother. My bioilogical son is 30 and he has 2 kids. When he was going through his divorce, his ex-wife was trying to "punish" him. His child was only 3 days old when she decided that she did not want to be married any longer, after 4 1/2 years of marriage. He had to fight in the courts to be able to have a relationship with this child. Even though I had never ever treated this woman bad, the one thing she did to get at my son was to tell the judge that I was "pshycologically unfit" to be around her child. Let me say this was my sons second marriage, he did seem to jump in to things with both feet and with eyes closed. (His first marriage was at 18 in military and we have a grandchild from that who is 10) Thank God we live in a small town, and the judge didnt believe her because after all, my husband and I were foster parents approved by the state, and also we own our business so it didnt hold up and the judge saw through her. A few months ago my son became angry at his father and me about something stupid and he decided that he didnt need his father or I in his life at that time, so when he had his week-end visits he would not let us see the baby, so the mother of my grandbaby called me, said she had matured quite a bit and knew that ds was not allowing me to see the baby on his visits (let me say this only went on for only a couple of months). She told me that she knew how important we had become in our grandsons life, and even if my ds, was acting like an idiot, she would not allow him to keep us away from the baby. She acknowledged to me that she knew we were very important in this childs life and how much this child loved us. Said that everytime he came home from a visit he constantly talked about us. She offered to let me come get him when we wanted him and to also bring him to us whenever we wanted to spend time with him. The point I am trying to make, is just because my son and his ex-wife had problems did not make us any less this babys grandparents or love this child any less. I would have been devistated if she or he had kept us out of his life. By the way, my grandson will be 3 in August and he definetly knows and loves his "Nana" and PaPa". I know if I were to loose my son, I would fight to the end to be able to have this relationship with my grandkids.

~Carol~

[vicrose]

Carol....My sentiments exactly....Grandparents do matter!!!! Sincerely, Brenda....

[mamatokay]

kjlambers,
Just because your husband is wanting to adopt this child, does not automatically make his parents the "new" grandparents. The reason I say this is because my husband and I adopted a child from foster care who is now 12. When she was placed with us she was only 2, so she has been in our family for 10 years now. My husbands mother is one who believes "blood" is the most important thing. To this day out of all her grandchildren which are 8 including my daughter, if you ask her how many grands she has, she will tell you she has "7". She has never acknowledged that my daughter is one of her "grands". She definetely treats my daughter different. It took me many years to realize that this was HER problem. She also has 4 greatgrandkids, and I have seen the favortism she shows the others over our ddaughter. It is heartbreaking for us, because in my eyes my daughter is as much our child as my 30 year old son.
My advise and two cents, is really consider all options before you cut the paternal grandparents out of this childs life.

~Carol~

[reneetaylor]

KJlambers - This is long, so I apologize now!

I agree that grandparents matter to a child....BUT, I went through a similar situation when I divorced from my first husband of 10 yrs when our daughter was 2. He was abusive towards me and mentally unstable, and actually quit a great paying job to move in with his mother in a small trailer. During visits with him/them, our daughter was not kept clean, was not made to eat well, was not made to show manners, and basically left to run wild. Because of threats made against me, I did not pursue sole custody at that time. I planned on doing that when she entered Kindergarten, but it became a non-issue when her father got killed the summer that she turned 4 yrs old.

My ex's mother went over the deep end and started saying hateful things about me and making her son sound like a saint. This guy had gotten into a drunken fist fight with his brother which resulted in his death, so beleive me when I say that he was NOT a saint. Oh, and did I mention that it happened right in front of my daughter...with her screaming for them to stop fighting? I still get mad about it when I think about what my child must have witnessed!

Anyway, my ex mother-in-law sued me for visitation rights when I refused to allow her to continue the same visitation schedule that I had set up with her son. Well, duh! Of course she wasn't going to be keeping my daughter for days at a time and especially not at that house where my daughter witnessed her father being killed. I was open to visits on a neutral ground, but then when she kept talking badly about me and actually sued me, I decided to put an end to the visits. I could see that they were not helping my daughter deal with what she had been through, and if anything, they were making it harder on her.

So, that is the background info...now to the way the court saw things. I had since gotten married to a fantastic man and he decided to start adoption proceedings for my daughter. I mentioned this in court and was told that it made no difference whether he adopted her or not, because I was the sole parent and guardian of my daughter and short of me being viewed as unfit, then I had sole responsibility for determining who my daughter associated with or didn't associate with. The judge obviously felt sorry for the grandmother, but legally he could not force me to allow her visitation, so he ruled in my favor.

My daughter occasionally asks or makes comments about her grandmother, but I briefly explained how she talked ugly to me and that it has been my decision to not have them see each other, and she seems fine with it. When she is older I will explain in greater detail some of the things that occured which made me cease the visits, but for now she knows how things are and she is happy. She is 6 yrs old (today!) and a very bright and happy little girl.

There are so many cases out there which pertain to grandparent rights, that I would urge you to check the internet and find out what the laws are in your state and even in other areas. My attorney was pulling case files from all over the US and they all stated the same thing about sole survivor parenthood. YOU are the sole surviving parent, so YOU are responsible for your child's well-being. Whether your reasons for not allowing visits with her grandparents are valid or not, or whether you have allowed your husband to adopt your daughter or not, does not figure into the fact that you decide what your daughter is allowed to do until she is 18 yrs old.

Good luck! (sorry about the length of this post, but I hope it helps to relieve your mind!)


Renee

[Robert S]

My wife (who adopted my children 3 years ago) and I are being sued by grandparents from the birth mother, who died 3 years ago. These grandparents abused their own daughter psychologically for her entire life and do not hold the same morals values and ethics which my wife and I hold, they tried to get visitation in their suit for 6 weeks in the summer, every other weekend and every other holiday. People seem to have a stereotype that all grandparents are wonderful, think about it, anyone can become a grandparent just by having children, and as it turns out anyone can file a lawsuit. Many grandparents have more resources and time if retired then parents. Genghis Kahn who killed millions was a grandparent, Osma bin Ladin is a grandparent, Sudam Hussain is a grandparent. In our case the grandparents own daughter couldn't take their abuse and killed her self at church with a gun she got while at her fathers house after being lectured to one more time by her father. We will be applying to the Calif. Supreme Court to protect my wife's rights as an adoptive stepparent. Any state forced visitation is not visitaion but custody and a violation of a fit parents rights.

[bandfan]

Such a touchy subject, but I'm compelled to respond...Like there are good and bad parents (both birth AND adoptive), there are good and bad grandparents. I had my adoptive parents sue ME for visitation rights of my oldest son (I have 3 kids) in 2000. Even though they were crappy parents, they were ok grandparents and my kids adored them. My folks visited with my kids regularly until I started finding out how they were neglecting my 2 younger kids. I started hearing stories about how the 2 younger ones were locked outside all day long and weren't allowed to come into grandma's house to play with big brother. And, on a sleepover at grandma's, the younger ones were made to sleep on a pallet in the laundry room, while big brother slept in the bed (he was 10 at the time) with grandma and grandpa. And grandma made my then 6 year old daughter wear a bib and sit in a high chair at meals while big brother got to eat in front of the tv. All three kids told similar stories. When I confronted my parents, they said that they just weren't attached to my two younger kids. So, I told them they could treat my kids all the same or not at all. They chose the not at all for 6 months. I then recieved the legal papers....The day in court didn't amount to anything. The case was dismissed, and I haven't heard from them since.

My advice? Check out your state laws regarding Grandparent Visitation to start with. I live in Arkansas and law here says gparents can sue for visitation if one or both birthparents are deceased or if the parents of said child are separated by divorce. This is where my aparents had grounds. My oldest son is from my first marriage.

I know I may've opened a big ol can of worms with this one, but please realize I'm not disrespecting grandparents in any way. Grandparents are like anyone else. There are the good ones, and then there are the not so good ones...I mean NO disrespect to the good ones.

I can put my soapbox away now. Ya'all have a good day!

Sheila

[jthomason]

Please check www.parentsrights.com, www.parentsrights.org, and www.parentsrights.net. Grandparent visitation is complicated, and we can help you!

California Representative Coalition for the Restoration of Parental Rights