[ekin5216]

I am looking for solid advice, or precedents involving adopting a child whose father is deceased.

I am in the process of adopting my wife's six year old daughter, Haley. We have been married for 1-1/2 years. Her previous husband, and father of Haley lost his life in a auto accident a little over 3 years ago. Adoption has always been the only choice for the future in our family and remains so.

This is going to be a very joyous occasion in our families young life, but as you can imagine a somewhat sad day in his surviving families lives. His family has always been very gracious and understanding in every instance, no matter how difficult. They love Haley and our family very much, even as difficult as that is somedays. We love and respect them very much as well. Regarding this adoption, however, there is a lingering and somewhat troubling difference in opinion about the changing of my future daughters last name. Haley desperately wants her last name to be mine and her mothers and the child the we are expecting this summer- her sister.

In Texas, it is not required that the last name automatically be changed. Therefore, their belief and stance is that changing her name would be disrespectful to the father and to them. I do not agree with this opinion, however because I love and respect them I do understand their strong opinions on this subject are caused by pain, as well as pride.

I an effort to appease and protect their feelings, I allowed myself to be convinced that she, at 6, could not determine what she wants or does not want. But, I have never felt good about "compromising" her feelings since that decision. Through prayer and a revealing Saturday home visit this past week, I know full well that she knows exactly what she wants by requesting this name and I also know what harm I could do to her by refusing her needs and choosing to hurt her instead of his family.

After five hours with the social worker, he could see vividly what we were laboring over, and without saying the words "do" or "don't do" it was absolutely clear what had to be done.

I fought this by even going as far as trying to convince her that she didn't need to change her name. All that I got from this is her telling me, "I don't want to be different from you." I cried from embarrassment that I was willing to put my selfishness (not wanting to hurt his family) over her needs.

I am, however, going to keep her current last name while attaching her new identity because I do respect her father and his family, and most importantly it is a very big part of her, and always will be. I love her as much as I could possibly love my own child. We are best friends and I have only her best interests in mind. I am hurting for what this may do to her father's family, but I cannot and will not choose over her.

I am not sure what advice I am seeking. I believe I am looking for more reinforcement in my own mind that this is absolutely right. But, I know from God that it is.

Thank you.

[debsdone]

Well, you have your answer, but I can offer you some reinforcement! I had 3 children when I married my husband. the kids were 4 7 and 9. They are now 20 23 and 25. We had 2 more, who are now 12 and 14. for many years we had a family with 2 different last names. It was confusing, and difficult for the older kids, whose name was different. As they turned 18 they requested that my husband adopt them! He has been their dad and they wanted to honor that. In addition, they wanted to share the same name as their brother and sister, as well as their parents. It isn't a matter of giving something up, so much as gaining something new. They are all so happy now. Long before they were legally adopted, they were using the name. It was important to them. Good Luck to you! Love, Debi

[DonnaLynn]

Just a thought have it be a combo name with both her bio-dads name and yours.
This might help with the grandparents-note-they are lost their son - it might seem to them by changing her name they somehow lose their granddughter as well.

I to have a house full through remarriage my 2 sons have one name the other 5 of us have another.

Not confusing. It is good my boys know who they are- they are their father's son's and that is who they have been since birth



Good luck and best wishes,

DonnaLynn

[Resseda]

Is hypenation of your name and her late-father's name an option? My understanding (and it may be wrong) is that use of a hypenated last names is an either/or/all choice. Sure, Melissa Jane Smith-Alexander might be long, but I think it allows you to use whichever names most appropriately fits the situation (Melissa Smith, Melissa Alexander, or M. S-A). And, when she gets older, when she can make a more informed decision on her own, she may decide to stick with your name, or her father's, and it would be her choice.
I don't think six years old is old enough to make a decision like this.

Ress

[reneetaylor]

Ekin - I personally think you should change the little girl's last name and make it the same as yours...no hyphenations, etc...just the same as yours, your wife's and your future child's.

My daughter was three when her father passed away and my husband is now just completing her adoption this month. She will be 6 yrs old in May and is very adamant that her last name be the same as ours and the same as her new sibling (on the way). I have no ties to my previous in-laws now, but when they were still in the picture, they knew that her name was changing and they were all for it. They knew that it would help her to get on with her life and feel more a part of the family. I could almost understand the hesitation of the father's family if the child was a boy, but since she is a girl, then what is the problem? She can still honor his memory without having his last name. She can still love him and remember him even though you are the man who is now, and hopefully will always be, her father, daddy, dad, etc...

Listen to her and do as she asks. Listen to your heart and do as it asks! This little girl has had enough turmoil in her young life and needs stability and love and the support of a family. She needs to have your last name to make that stability and sense of family feel real! Her grandparents need to realize that they cannot keep a piece of their son alive simply by insisting that his child carry on his last name. They need to let her be her own person.


Renee