[Sylvester]

Hi, my husband and I have adopted two girls who were placed with us through open adoptions via private agencies. They are both healthy girls whom we have had since birth. We are desperate to have another child, but can not afford to go through a private agency again. We started looking at doing special needs adoption. We only want a newborn to 2 year old. We are willing to accept drug exposed babies and children with minor speical needs. We are concerned though what effects an "unhealthy" child will have on our other kids. They are young both under 5. We are concerned about a child being placed with us then returned to the birthfamily. We have been told since we will only accept certain races and certain situations our chances of being placed our slim. I guess I am looking for someone to give us some advice. The agencies we have spoke with are vague with information. We are confused and feel alone. We just want another child. I don't be to ramble on, I guess I need a comforting ear!!

[Barksum]

Maybe we are the exception that proves the rule...I don't know! LOL We have one biological child and have adopted two more. Our adopted children are considered special needs children and were adopted through our state DHS.

Both of our adopted children were drug/alcohol exposed. You would need to do some serious research into the effects of prenatal exposure as well as the emotional and physical effects of neglect and abuse. Even babies (particularly babies?) can have issues surrounding the trauma of neglect.

There will be an impact on the children you already have if you adopt. I don't know that adopting a special needs child will NECESSARILY have a bigger or more negative impact on your children. Having a new sibling is a big time adjustment whether the new child is born to the family or adopted. All children have some sort of adjustment to make when a new member joins the family.

Reading picture books that talke about "new brother/new sister" and using them as a jumping off point to get discussions going about the whole new brother/new sister business can be helpful. There are several childrens picture books about adoption that provide good platforms for discussion. Parents talking positively about what would change in family, what would stay the same, etc. help children to start to understand how things work and what is going on. Remember that you will need to go over and over and over all this, even after a new child joins the family. Particularly if the child has different needs.

Both of our adoptions were adoptive placements and the biological parents rights were either terminated or relinquished so there wasn't any real consideration of the children being removed after placement with us. However, we are also foster parents and have had children who stayed with us for awhile and then left. It IS difficult for some children to accept the loss of foster siblings so you would have to think long and hard about how you would address this, or if you even want to. If you have a foster child whom you hope to adopt you would have to make sure that the children were aware that the child was with you temporarily until their parents could care for them again and not discuss the child being with you "forever" until you had paperwork in hand.

(I say this not only for the children you already have, but for the foster child. We've fostered children who were moved to our home after other foster parents had said they would adopt the children. There was no possibility of adoption because the bio parents were in compliance with the case plan and reunification was in the works. I'm not saying you would do this, but just giving an example of one reason it's best to speak cautiously about forever when you have children's little hearts involved.)

Our biological child was 7 when we had our first adoptive child. It was a struggle at first to accept the changes and the special needs that came with him. I believe that having siblings with special needs has enhanced our bio child's life and has taught many valuable lessons regarding love, patience, kindness, acceptance, patience, understanding, patience, kind and gentle attitudes, and the list goes on. Did I mention the patience part? LOL These invaluable lessons are not always easy, but worth the struggle. The lessons also go both ways: the children already in your home grow and learn, so does the newest addition.

It's good that you are considering the children you already have in your home. You will need to continue to keep their needs formost in your mind as you consider another child. You will have to keep weighing all the variables and considerations as you go forward.

The reality remains that the probability of adopting a healthy, caucasian infant through the DHS is fairly slim. Neither of our adoptions fell into that catagory. One child is caucasian, but has special needs. (relatively mild at this point, but they are there nonetheless.) Our second adoption is caucasian/hispanic and also has special needs. We do not have any regrets over having these children in our family. However, we went into the whole process knowing that we would be parenting children who had different needs and who would not always be the same race as DH or I. (Dh is Am. Indian/caucasian; I'm so white I blend in with the snow. Between the two of us we figure any configuration of races, facial features, eye color, hair color would fit! LOL) We didn't go forward saying "the children might have special needs", but rather that "we KNOW they will have special needs". It is a bit of a leap of faith. You will need to decide if it is a leap you are willing to take.

[rindava]

On the plus side both my brothers were really ill as children one with cancer and the other with a kidney transplant and I can say it was not all fun and games, but I think I grew up to be a kind caring person because of it.

You may want to wait until you young kids are older and then it would be easy to add say a slightly older kids then just 2 years.

The other way is to foster (there are not very many even severely disabled infants waiting to be adopted) But that can be its own heart break.

You play the hand God gives you. What would you do now if one of your daughters started having seizures and became disabled? I don't know, just things to think about.

Good Luck to you!

[Barksum]

That last bit sounded a bit down. Didn't mean it too!! Fostering is hard, and isn't for everyone -- not just the foster parents, but the children of the foster parents. It's hard to have to say goodby to a child who has lived with you. It's ok to NOT want to foster a child.

It's also ok to not want to adopt outside of your race or to adopt a child with special needs that you feel are more than you can cope with. There is no stigma attached to knowing what you can and cannot do. That's actually a strength that the good caseworkers recognize and applaud! I didn't mean for it to sound as though it was a negative to NOT want to take the step to adopt a child with many unknowns about their future development, etc., and when I reread what I wrote I thought it could be interpreted that way! What I meant to convey was that this is something YOU will need to decide for YOUR family since no one else can make that decision for you.

[kpm]

I am in the same situation. I have 3 bio kids and would like to adopt a child under 5 with moderate special needs. We decided that foster care was not for us and our bio kids. Our social worker says that we should not expect a placement for at least a year. Our homestudy was completed in February. We have not been matched yet. But I am encouraged by a few possibilities.

[Sylvester]

I wanted to thank all of you who have given us advice, we appreciate it. We have decided to wait several years before we pursue a placement. With our little one only being two we feel we need to do what is best for her at this time, so handling a speical needs child would not at this time be what is best. We are going to wait till she is 5 or 6 then pursue a placement. Good luck to all of you and God Bless.