[Again!]

More philosophical thoughts (can you tell I'm waiting for a placement)...How can a child attach if they have no self-esteem? If you don't like yourself, how can you reach out to someone else? Is is possible that many attachment issues are rooted in the lack of self-esteem these kids have?

[Peggy]

Yes, self-esteem is important. I was able to take a class on developing self-esteem in your foster/adoptive child. A lot of the "regular" child development books also discuss how to raise self-esteem.

[lucyjoy]

Self esteem is related to attacment. However, it's necessary to be careful in trying to build that self esteem. If I told my unattached son he had nice hair, he'd chop it off to help keep people away. I could say "I like the way you combed your hair this morning" and that would be o'kay. It's a fine line.

[rindava]

I think you can attach rather well to a child who is depressed and quiet with low self esteem.

My son has some major attachment problems, but his self esteem is very intacked. He does not care what others think about him and he usually holds his head high in any situation.

I think kids with severe attachment problems see the world and people in such a different way then most people.

Like the hair cut thing. My son might do the same thing but in a way to say up yours I don't need you to like my hair. And then he would be proud of his bad hair cut.

I think the kids who have low self esteem it would be easier to attach to at least they have some self doubt going on in their heads. You can show them they are good people and deserve to be treated well and kept safe.

[ladyjubilee]

I wonder if the link isn't in the opposite direction---that instead of having to have self esteem to attach, one must be able to attach to have self esteem.

[Dr. Art]

Ladyj has it right. One CANNOT develop any authentic sense of self or self-esteem without a secure base, which develops through a healthy and secure attachment and requires a responsive parent who is able to provide a supportive and responsive home. A child with attachment problems or RAD cannot develop good self-esteem until the trauma has been treated and integrated into a coherent autobiographica narrative; until the affective memory is integrated in to the person's sense of selt. Such children require a home that is a healing PLACE (playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathic) and effective treatment (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy).

Excellent question.

[Graham]

Well, gosh! I wrote a lengthy and wonderfully well-considered response to this discussion, then when I posted it disappeared!

So I'll be brief. Self-esteem isn't very helpful as a concept. I prefer to talk in terms of the child's sense of self (ie: who she is). All children have strengths; in terms of their skills, abilities, interests, performance, and their personalities. Defining those strengths with the child helps build a real sense of self that is not simply dependent on attachment.

And Lucyjoy is so right. Be very aware of the fine line. The parent's need for the child to feel good about himself needs to be secondary to the child's ability to be true to his feelings.
Sorry about the lost post!
Graham