[DianeS]

I have a friend who adopted a girl last year who is now 7 years old. My friend knew what this child was like, my friend was her foster mother off and on for years. (Judge kept returning child to bio mom.)

I do not know if her diagnosis is officially RAD or just severe attachment disorder. But it's getting worse and the child ran away yesterday. She was found, but that was almost the last straw for her parents. They and the child's therapist are now talking medication (what medication?) and long-term treatment centers.

I want to help, my friend is so burned out. I'm willing to babysit to give her a break, but is there anything I can do to have a more lasting impact? I mean, babysitting is a nice break, but she'll be going back exactly the same little girl who came. Is there anything a friend can do that could at all affect the child's behavior at home?

My friend talks to me often about the problems, as I'm one of the few people who understand and acknowledge the problem is with the child, not her.

The child is in therapy, I know it's attachment-based but of course I don't know if the therapist is any good or any info on the actual program.

I read the stories here of children who just can't adjust to family life, and I'd hate to see that happen here. How can one check to see if their attachment therapist is a good one? How long before some results should be noticed?

And especially, what can I, as her friend, do to support her in this?

[lucyjoy]

Listening and understanding are the greatest help for families in this situation. Offering to babysit (as long as you're not entertaining the child and the child understands this is to give mom a break, not her) is good.

There really isn't a lot more an outsider can do. I could tell you meds for attachment are useless as it's not a chemical disorder.
I also believe a seven year old should show improvement in 7 to 14 months in therapy. However, their are children who are exceptions and do not heal(rare, but it happens). However, as a parent, your friend may not find this information helpful. I often find it more helpful when people just listen and don't try to help.

You sound like a really good friend. Helping your friend keep from becoming to isolated is the best help.

[Barksum]

Sounds like you ARE a great friend. Keep up the good work!!

There are a couple of foster families in our area who provide respite care for each other. The way this works is that each family keeps up to date on what is going on with the children in the other family. They then are able to call each other on those especially difficult days and say, "I NEED a break...can Janey/Joey please stay the night with you?" The other family is then able to give the parent a break from stress without the child feeling as if he is "going to Disneyland". The same rules and consequences all apply at the respite providers house, and the respite providers know the child and his needs because they've kept up with all the treatment plans, meds, training tools, et al. If the child was restricted from certain priviledges at home, the same is applied at the respite home. You get the idea. This helps to break the manipulative cycles that some children fall into or actively engage in, and also gives those very worn out parents a brief window of reduced stress time.

The two families I know who do this are both "Therapeutic Foster Parents", which means they've done extra training for children with moderate to severe emotional issues. It takes alot of time, work and committment to the idea, and there are some pretty heavy responsibilities that go along with it. I don't know if you and your friend want this kind of arrangement, but it can work for some families who live with very high needs children. If you are interested in approaching your friend with this idea you might see what her DD's therapist thinks about it, and ask how to work it out for the DD's particular needs.

[Peggy]

Both sound great! I wish I had more of both the first year. Also sometimes being there with them is enough of a break. Sometimes the child acts out less in the presence of others.

[Dr. Art]

Being the good friend that you are, being supportive and loving, and learning about your friend's child's disorder are all wonderful and very helpful. You might suggest to your friend that you would be willing to help her research resources. If you do, you should go to the website for the Association in the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of children. Frankly, if her therpist is not a member I'd seriously question that therapists experience and training and the therapists real capacity to offer effective treatment. Sometimes just getting to a competant therapist is half the battle...or getting away from a well-meaning therapist who is not trained in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherpay or evidence-based attachment treatment.

Best of luck

[vicrose]

Just be there for her and her family, they need lots of support right now. Possibly make dinner for the family once a week. Babysitting is great, because it gives your friend and her husband a chance to be alone together without any distractions. Sincerely, Brenda..............