[live2bhappy2003]

Hi,

I'm the proud adoptive mother of a beautiful biracial baby boy. He's now 6 months old, and has exhibited some attachment problems, he cries anytime I leave the room or when someone wants to hold him or give him attention. I honestly want to say upfront, I'm not sure I'm in the right forum, but I had a couple of issues pertaining to him that I wanted clarification and help with.

1) What is a "special needs" child? Is is physical and/or emotional disabilities? As someone in the medical field, we would clasify that as such, but in the adoption world, I wasn't sure if it expanded into other areas of behavior, etc.

2) As I said in my first paragraph, my son cries the moment someone tries to give him attention even if I'm holding him. Today, I went to a baby shower, and all the women thought it was unusual (all nurses) that he would act this way. This is also the case at church, but in both situations, he adjusted after an hour or so, and when I wasn't in "his face"!

I've been told he's not exposed enough to others, but we are always out and about at stores, walking to the park where there are others, and he spends 2 hours a week at chruch in day care but I always check on him and he's very well cared for, the ratio is 1:1, so he's not getting neglected.

Anyway, I wanted to know if he has any issues I should be concerned about. He also tosses and turns like a wired baby at night every three hours, but I just pat him on the back gently for a minute or so and turn up the classical music and he goes back to sleep.

This may sound crazy, but his head is in the 25% range of growth, which concerns me. He sees his doctor regularly but hasn't said anything.

Birthmother never did drugs, etc. no family hx of medical problems except asthma. Anyway, nothing that concerned me from a medical standpoint.

I guess I'm just feeling like I've spoiled him too much, but I've been told you can't spoil a baby. I guess now that I'm much older, I enjoy spending so much time with him, teaching him things, and I just adore this boy so much. Am I spoiling him?

Thanks in advance for your help!

[louise]

and while I would not pretend to know anything about your baby I can tell you that my sister's little boy was exactly the same at six months old. In fact, untiil he was almost a year old, he would not let ANYONE other than his mom or dad pick him up or hold him. And that included me, his beloved Auntie Louise! I reassured my sister often (my now 13 yo twins were similar). My nephew is now 17months old and today he was quiite the life of a function we attended. He is stiill a little slow to warm up but iiis gaining confidence every day. I thoroughly believe that the MORE you hold, nurture and attend to a baby's needs the MORE attached and secure that little guy will be.

I if I were in your shoes, I would continue doing what you are doing and not worry. And most especially, continue enjoying every minute!

[Dianna]

Special needs is a legal term in our state, defining what benefits a child and that child's family qualify for. It may differ state to state but when we adopted, it was a child of a racial minority, member of a sibling group who needs to be placed together, older or over the age of three, a diagnosed medical disability, a mental disability, coming from an at risk environment, and I don't know if there are others and what they are.

It may also be a category defining needs from the school system. As far as your son's reaction to other-than-Mom, have you considered stranger anxiety? I have been reading about infants and it sets in from six months to after a year old. My experience with attachment issues is usually the child who does not differientiate between relative strangers and Mom. Your son sounds very discriminate. But of course this is just my humble opinion.

[lucyjoy]

Please, spoil more. Your son should want you to hold him and be in the room with him. He's attached to you and trusts you. I'd be more concerned if he wanted strangers. As he grows he'll start seeking more independence in his environment. Don't rush it.

[Mom_Of_Many]

First off, I was wondering if you're sure the birthmom did not use drugs or, espsecially, alcohol, only because sometimes they don't always tell. Secondly, does the baby make good eye contact? If not, I would think autism (possibly) rather than RAD, since you got the child as a baby. My advice, having adopted two infants, is to spoil, spoil, spoil, and spoil more. He is probably a normal baby. I'm a nervous mom and it never bothered me to check out my babies, even when I knew I was being overly cautious, and you can always take him to a developmental pediatrician, if you want to ease your mind. We adopted a baby girl from the hospital, and got to watch her being born (she is also biracial and what a little beauty!). It was defilnlitely up there as one of the best experiences of our lives. Good luck with your little lover. Don't let anyone tell you that you can love a baby too much!!! Hugs and good luck.

[live2bhappy2003]

Thank you all SO much for your messages and opinions pertaining to my son. I feel relieved that you all feel the same as I, that I should continue to spoil but it really bothers me when these people look at me and accuse me of not exposing him to more people. I will "let that go" and do what comes naturally. I love this little boy so much, and just love to hear his little belly laugh, and make those cute crazy sounds as he develops his speech. My husband is equally attentitive and we both think he will out grown this but it is nice to hear others opinions to validate what I am doing is good.

I also appreciate the clarification of "special needs". I'm not sure what the definition would be in my state, but I'll look into it.

As far as the birthmother using drugs, etc. I can't say for sure, but we have spent a lot of time with her and she had great prenatal care. She's very religious and health-conscious as far as we could tell. I'm not as concerned about his mental state, he is developing normally according to the doctor, and his apgar scores were 9 and 9, so I think his fine.

Anyway, thanks again for your feedback. I greatly appreciate your time in writing back.

[Dr. Art]

As you know and heard, you really cannot spoil a child. At that age and with that experience, I'd want the parent to hold the child as much as possible. More nurturing, loving, holding, feeding, looking, cooing, etc are important.

The transition can be stressful for an infant. (see Primal Wound for a book on this topic or M. Welche's book, Holding Time). You want to provide more not less body-contact time together so your child learns about you and you about your child. Responsive, contingent are is what is essential.

Good luck and best wishes.