[AKAT]

Our court date on Friday (Dec 6th) went as we had hoped. Our foster sons biomom had her parental rights terminated. I can not say that this felt like a joyous moment but it was a relief. She has said she will file an appeal But for now we just wait to see. I wish she wouldn't just so we can get on with the adoption But I can't say I blame her either. We our hoping for an open adoption (the open part being controlled by us). But with her history and her mental state it is going to be difficult. So for now we feel one step closer to making this little guy a life long member. We wont be talking with the adoption worker because she is "full" so we will be dealing with our regular caseworker for now. So we wait and try not to focus on "HOW LONG" this appeal will take. I have been told there are cases that have already been waiting longer than six months to be heard. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!I really appreciate all the info I recieve from the board even though I do not always feel I have much knowledge to offer. I hope everyone finds their holidays filled with love and relaxation.

[Suzy]

I'm glad for you that things went well. I understand exactly what you mean about it not being a joyous moment. For me it took a couple of weeks for the experience to wear off. I hope that everything goes well into the future. We are also struggling with the decision about how open our adoption should be. At the moment our oldest has just come out of a serious grieving phase, otherwise we would have tried to see the birthfamily during the holidays. Our children's therapist agreed though that we need to give them to grieve before we continue contact. She also enlightened us that it might be better to have a visit that was not near a gift-giving occassion on the calendar. She made a wonderful point that when we do see the birthfamily it is best for it to not be that the children are always getting presents from them. They are little and we don't want their impression of the birthfamily to be that they are the "people who always give us presents". We also have to establish some rules and keep in mind the birthmom's present status as far as drug use, etc. We'll work through it all in time as I'm sure you will. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[AKAT]

SUZY THANKS for your reply..Let me know how you decide on the amount of openness for your children. Our foster son is 28 months old and I think he will adjust to whatever we decide to do. I am trying to think of the future and try to guess how the decision we make now will affect him later. I think if I were adopted I would want to know as much as I could. But of course I am looking at that from my adult mind. I do not know how a child would percieve things. And I definitely don't want to set the birthfamily up to be this "wonderful, fun, gift bearing" group of people who have done no wrong. It is a really hard decision to make. Thanks again.

[aMarylandfamily]

Contact with birthfamily members is the hardest part of this adventure ... no matter how much you believe in the benefits of open adoptions ... which I do!

Starting out at a low level and remaining flexible throughout all of the child's life will make the best difference in his whole world - there may be times when more is appropriate or beneficial and times when less may be ... keeping it positive always - when you were younger your first family couldn't take care of you and you came to live with us and we are keeping them apart of you always. You'll be surprised how taking away that level of the unknown is peaceful for the child ... even in the smallest amount - so work with the birth family - ask what they think they want and together come to a compromise that suits both you, them and the child ... with the notation that it will be changed as needed throughout time. One of the best gifts you can give a child is security and in our case many times that starts with us accepting who and where and those that he/she came from.

Keep us posted!