[Suntrekker]

Hi All

This is a question mainly aimed at those of you who have adopted or are hoping to adopt as single parents.

As I am single and have now been approved I was wondering what sort of things I need to be doing now in order to make sure that I am as prepared as I can be for when I am matched.

As someone who has never parented before any advice will be welcome.

[Peggy]

I got the house ready. Child proofing (even for older children). Have a backup of support ready. Keep your child at home and not doing to much in the beginning, Routine, Routine, Routine. I took a lot of classes. Then prepare to be unprepared, because I thought I was, and the adjustment still threw some big curves. Have your childcare, if needed, lined up. Congratulations!

[Peggy]

Oh yes, when you know it's a go with a specific child. You need to contact the school, and that can be an adventure all on its own.

[Indy]

I would suggest that you make sure of the criteria that you marked on the child that you want, because they will come to you with children in those perimeters and outside of them.

I cannot express enough having the support network set up. Make sure to have backup plans for everything, because you are it. Be ready to use up sick time/personal leave time/vacation time for doctor appointments or your child being sick. Make sure that you have someone to watch junior for an evening or so for what I call "Dad" time. You will need time to have some adult interaction.

Go and find a doctor that you like. Also, meet and interview counselors. Don't just take one because so and so said they were good. Make sure that he/she specializes in the type of child that you are looking for and you like them. It is imperitive that you get along with them. Go to the local elementary/middle school/high school and talk to the guidance counselors there. Make sure you like the system and that they are supportive of special needs children.

Find an adoption support group, one with people that you can talk to face to face. I have found this board to be supportive, but it is not a substitute for face to face interaction with someone "who has been there".

READ...READ...READ! Look for books that talk about adoption and special needs issues. You could do respite, if you have a foster care license.

Ok...I have talked enough. Best of luck in your endeavors!

[Yvette]

Hi
I adopted as a single mom. My suggestions are similar to the other posts. Work on getting that support group in place. And then be prepared for it to change. Many of those who offered support before the reality of my adopting were not there when I needed them. What age child are you looking for? Scouting out day care or after school programs should be done now so you have some idea of what's out there. I child-proofed my entire house. My dog had all of the required shots. Save all of the sick and vacation time you can. When you have to be off for appointments use as few hours as possible. Start improving your eating habits, organize paperwork (because you won't have the opportunity again until they are eighteen)
I didn't in advance, but now all of my friends and relatives know not to call to chat until after 8pm when my daughter is in bed for the night. Our evenings are full with dinner, baths, books, toothbrushing etc. Keep quick dinner ideas handy. I have alot of time savers like keeping extra kleenex, a change of clothes, snacks, books, toys etc in the car in a box. It will help when you really need it. Best wishes!

[kay]

Congratulations on the first step! I meant to reply to your first post, but the biggest change I've noticed as a single parent is - there's just not enough time!

I'll second what everyone has said about getting your support group in order, and being flexible. You will need people you're absolutely comfortable with "imposing upon" - there was a time when I dropped in on a friend, with a child in full tantrum in the car - because I knew going home to just the two of us was not a good idea. There was the friend who said "I'm taking C- to the event this afternoon, you stay home and relax." And there was the unlooked-for support; the first weekend C- was home, on a whim I called a church family whose kids sandwich him in age, inviting them to join us at a kids' museum. My agenda was just to have him start to get to know kids and families in the church - the kids who sandwich him are both girls, and the family wasn't even one I'd considered as a support possibility. Well, the kids clicked that day, he met his lifelong best friend - a girl! - and I got a completely unlooked-for resource (and good friends.)

Check out the childcare, but realize that may change, too. I was completely sure that C- would be at the Y near his school until he no longer needed after school care; by the end of the school year, when I'd discovered that their main idea of "care" consisted in television blaring, movies (some of them PG-13, without my approval!) and video games, I knew we were going elsewhere for the next year. Fortunately our town received a state grant and created their own afterschool program - cheap, organized, safe - and when they show anything other than a G movie (and any movies are rare) they first send home a permission slip.

Be prepared to be tired! When I look back on the first months C- was home, I remember sometimes leaving work early - and then going home to nap before I picked him up! When your child is testing you, it's just emotionally exhausting. See if you can get a list of providers (dentists, doctors, therapists) who will accept your state's medical plan. I was *never* successful with this; it's all very well to hear that "those services are paid for" - but when you can't find anyone to accept that sort of payment, it's enormously frustrating. See if you can line up a good therapist, one with experience in adoption issues. This is something I ended up paying for out-of-pocket, because I wanted someone to help us with our adoption-specific issues, not just somebody from the Yellow Pages whose only recommendation is that they're "free".

I also second Indy's comment on the adoption support group. It really really helps to be able to get suggestions from, or even just vent to, those who *know* what it's like!

Oh, and another thing - when I first went into this, although I had nothing against boys, I just kind of assumed that, because I was a single woman, I'd end up with a daughter. (As a matter of fact, my first placement, which did not work out - long story, for another thread - was with a girl.) Then I went to an event where children's profiles were read out to prospective parents, and I noticed that every single one I was interested in was a boy! I have never for one instant regretted now having a son instead of a daughter.

This sounds kind of daunting, and it was. I took great classes through my agency, read everything there was to read, did all the preparation I could, and it was still much harder than I'd ever imagined. But it's been worth every minute of hardship and heartache and tears. My son eats up affection like a sponge, and gives as good as he gets in the hugs department. He's friendly and outgoing, and adults and kids think he's just wonderful - as does his Mom! He's doing well in school - he's not gifted, but is capable of high average work. There are still problems and issues, and I'm sure there always will be, especially as we negotiate the teen years (he's 11 now). But I'm happier than I've ever been, and have absolutely no regrets at this path I've chosen. It's hard but it's worth it - I wish you the same results!!

[Suntrekker]

Thank you for all of your advice it is most welcome.

Angela

[trunks888]

If you find any useful info on this please pass it on to me
Thanks

Originally posted by Suntrekker
Hi All

This is a question mainly aimed at those of you who have adopted or are hoping to adopt as single parents.

As I am single and have now been approved I was wondering what sort of things I need to be doing now in order to make sure that I am as prepared as I can be for when I am matched.

As someone who has never parented before any advice will be welcome.

[mckenna]

i am a single foster/adopt parent. i am in the process of adopting my foster son (age 2) and his 1/2 sister (9mo) just came to live with us. i agree with the above posters, find a ped that takes your state medicaid plan. in our state you have a choice of plans and since we have 2 ch. hospitals, and i prefer one over the other, i picked a plan that admits to that hosp and then i found a ped who accepts the plan. someone gave me a good idea about cooking meals in a crock pot, which has really been a time saver. one of the things i have been very luck with is having a flexible work env. where i can take my lunch hour whenever i need too to attend family support team meetings or court dates. this really helps because in addition to the extra days i have to take off for sick children, i am glad i don't have to use sick time/vac. for those type of meetings.


networking with other foster parents is great. we have formed an informal support group where we swap clothes and other items while sharing experiences and "tricks of the trade" also i have met some stay at home foster parents who are willing to help out with sick children so i don't have to miss quite as much work. the kids get a chance to play with each other and relate to families similar to theirs as well. if you ever have any questions, just pm me.

good luck!

[woverine]

The previous posts are great. And not just for single parents!

On thing that I have read and am learning as we have 2 new additions to our home - pick your battles! With two parents it is hard enough, as a single parent don't spend engery on an argument when natural consequences will teach them.

I had a struggle with dress shoes over tennis shoes for the summer program the kids are in. It was their first day and M wanted to wear new sandels not tennis shoes. I stood my ground on the tennis shoes and explained that she may be outside playing. She cried and I 'won'. Husband pointed out that she will figure it out when she can't keep up with the other kids at play. I conceded and told her after thinking about it she could where whatever she wanted. The day turned into a much happier day. The next day she chose tennis shoes.

To reiterate what has already been stated - Routine is good.

We found that colas are bad. The caffeine and suger send D into a rush of energy. Look for healthy snacks an much as possible. We have found some fruit rollups etc that are mostly fruit based not sugar based. The kids love them and it does not have them climbing the ceiling. Fresh fruit is also good. (duh)

Good luck and enjoy your new family when it gets settled.