[DianeS]

I'm looking for success stories about other people who went from having no kids to adopting a sibling group. Stories from people who stretched for "just one more" --a sib group a tiny bit larger than you expected-- would also be helpful!

My husband and I are starting our classes next month, and hubby is starting to question our decision to take up to 3 sibs together. He wonders if we should "start with one child or maybe two" for the "experience" first.

I know this calls for a lot of honest discussion between us, so I'd love to have good stories of other families who started this way.

I keep borrowing friends' children to take places with us (the zoo, circus, park, etc), and I always borrow groups of three. He does wonderfully with them, but after they go back home, his worries start again.

It doesn't seem to be the budget, or the room, but more the "overwhelmingness" of parenting three kids at once when we started with none that seems to get to him. Any comments or "how we did it" stories are welcome!

[Suzy]

Diane,

Welcome to a wonderful and crazy journey! My husband and I are adopting 3 sibs and are first-time parents. We initially approached the agency we were referred to about 3 children, but they did a pretty good job of convincing us that 3 at once might be overwhelming. They wanted us to consider one, but we were very convicted that we should pursue sib groups and agreed to put our limit at 2 children. Fortunately for us God had much bigger and better plans! We ended up with an emergency foster placement of 3 (ages 5, 3, 2) that our agency would have never considered placing with us had we not initially discussed this many with them. When the agency first called to ask us to take the placement we were so scared and doubtful that we almost said no but we knew that the children would be split up otherwise.

The placement was 9 months ago. We are now blessed to be within a few months of finalization of our adoption. The agency was right, that it was overwhelming. However, I don't think that one child would have been any less overwhelming. From the perspective of a life change for first-time parents, it all changes whether there is one child or 5 children. Priorities change and life gets turned upside down. But here we are only 9 months later and life seems so, urrm, normal. Or at least normal for us. We still have to deal with all of the adoption/foster sensitivities (someone recently asked with surprise if the kids always call us mom and dad - mental note: next time I will be quick on my feet and ask if that is what their kids call them) and legalities of adoption. So from a non-traditional family perspective everything is so completely normal that sometimes it frightens us. We face our challenges on a daily basis because of the issues that children in the system often bring with them and we question our adequacy as parents frequently, but there has not been any moment since we committed to adoption that we have questioned God's wisdom in bringing us together as a family.

Just our story, best wishes for you in creating yours!

Suzy

[DianeS]

How wonderful for you, Suzy! That's the age group we'd be interested in, too (age 6 or under, maybe stretch to age 8).

I hope our agency will talk with us as candidly as yours talked with you. I think that's probably a mark of a good agency...willing to talk about concerns instead of writing you off and not using you because they think you're overreaching yourself.

If my husband stays concerned about this and we decide to adopt only one or two at this point, I know I would want to adopt again in the future. It will indeed be interesting to see which of those paths we will end up taking!

[Debra]

DH and I brought our kids home mid-April of this year. They are a brother and sister, then aged 11 and 14 (they both had b-days in October so now are 12 and 15).
As first time parents, we've been completely overwhelmed. Of course, in addition to normal "baggage", we've got adolescence to deal with. Things might be VERY different with younger kids.
We were 100% committed to adopting older sibling groups (I even considered up to 6 children) because I knew they were hard to place. I said "The more the merrier!" I was wrong. If I had to do it over, we'd start with one. Parenting these kids is hard enough, but a sibling group provides it's own unique challenges.
It's hard to explain. But I thought we were really prepared, except that parenting adopted (special needs) kids is totally different than parenting bio-kids. The only problem is that never having been a parent before, it's hard to determine what is *normal* kid behavior, and what isn't. And it gets more complicated when it is multiplied by 2 (or 3 or more...)
Anyway, I'm glad we have the kids (BOTH of them, and I'm only saying that because they've been well-behaved for the past 4 days or so.....LOL).
I think it would have been much easier and less stressful to start with ONE child. Of course, those of use who chose to adopt aren't neccesarily concerned with doing EASY things!
Good luck, be sure to communicate a lot with your hubby because it is definately VITAL that you two are in total agreement before-hand. That's one of the bad things about more than one child...they frequently try to play one parent against the other. Luckily DH and I are on the same page most of the time and had a very strong relationship going into this. Otherwise, we wouldn't have made it through these past 6 months.
Bottom line, it is definately do-able, just harder than we thought it would be, and like I said before, it might be much easier with younger children also.

[Indy]

I wanted to post an opinion on this topic, just my thoughts.

I adopted one to start. Then a year later, I added son #2. Son #2 seemed lonely. He is 6 years younger than #1. So I decided to adopt again. I came upon 2 brothers who needed a home. My thinking was, "if I add two more, I have a total of four sons". My math was not correct. I have a young adult and three young sons (10, 11, 13).

So I have the odd number of "kids". There is always someone being left out. Any two of them get along fine. It is when we throw in the third that I have more bickering and fighting.

My advice adopt in even numbers 2-4-6-8-10 (LOL). As far as being first time parents, I know several couples who had twins/triplets/quads on their "first" time. Yes, it is hard. But if that is all you know, you won't even know the difference.

Good luck in your decision.

[DianeS]

Adopting an even number of kids --2, 4, 6, 8, or even 10 kids sounds good to me!

If my husband remains concerned about going from 0 to 3 instantly, of course I would hear those concerns and start with the number he was comfortable with. When we got married, we discussed a large family, but when kids come "biologically", they tend to come one at a time, with a year or more in between. And even now he thinks as long as we can afford that many, the large family is still possible, he's just concerned about the suddenness.

I have been thinking that if when we complete our classes, if children are not placed with us immediately, that we could offer to do respite care for sibling groups. That has the potential to change either of our minds, I would think. Hubby thinks that would be OK, because if it's true that 3 are too many for him, he would know it was only temporary and that would make it easier to handle.

Do any of you have experience with that--using respite care to double-check the ages, issues, and number of sibs that would fit well in the family?

[alisab]

I've joined this chat room, my very first, to respond to this question.

BUT I attached it to another thread! So here it is, again, where I'd actually intended to post...

First, my partner and I, after considering various options, desided to adopt a sibiling group though the waiting children process. Over one and a half years ago we were united with our two son's, half brothers, who had been together through their foster care experience. At the time they were 8 and 10, now 9 and 12 (How does that happen?). We had no parenting experience at all.

Well, as all of you know, this alone would mean a huge evolution in our lives (never parenting before). Today, I am a parent and, believe it or not, I am happy about it too. It may be that we recieved higher functioning children than many I've heard about, but we have been growing into a family in a very real and loving way - all of us. When children are older it seems to be a more conscious choice about coming together - like an arranged marriage.

There were many stages that I went though and I'm sure my family (a word that has real meaning) did as well. Here are some of my experiences:

Doing dishes and laundry all the time. Guessing at what was really important - how to guide children and where to guide them to! Having a hard time, especially about compentency with my new job as parent. Grieving the loss of my old life. Not liking the boys. I must put these boys first in my life! Feeling like I'd entered the portal of hell. So much work! Fearing that I would be overwhelmed. Thinking I'd made a big mistake. Finding the general (maybe dictator) within. Setting boundaries, so that I could stand living with these kids. Calmer times, sometimes the boys would be so silly and funny. They are really willing to do chores, as long as I'm working too. Experiencing my own sillyness. Feeling love back and forth. The different ways the boys reach out to us.

Well, I'm sure we will have more challenges, especially as they get into thier teens. But we are doing pretty well now - as a family. I really like it and I feel really lucky.

I think that I'm not very different than many others who are approching adoption, even those choosing waiting children. Regardless of all the training and reading and support meetings we went to prior to getting the boys, we really didn't have a clear idea of what getting children would be like. Children, children, children pulsed through our brains, moreso as we got closer to the end of our homestudy. Then it happens, and it can be very hard, it felt hard to me. After a while things got easier, but we also needed support. We have a lot of support and we will continue to build more.

I've kicked drugs, alcohol, dyslexia (though my spelling will always be rough), depression, and death of a partner to cancer. As you can see, I've had my challenges, but nothing in my life has been more challenging than this. Still, I'm glad I did it.

[Suzy]

Just chuckling at how much we all have in common. I loved Debra's comments about not knowing what *normal* behavior is. I am still constantly on the phone with my agency asking whether certain behaviors are because of issues or are just normal behavior. I guess the biggest thing we've learned in this is that as adoptive parents of special needs kids it is too easy sometimes to say "oh, that is normal 3 year-old behavior", or whatever age, only to realize a few days later that there are underlying issues. I think Debra is probably right about younger children possibly being easier. We do love the ages of the kids we have and wouldn't trade it for anything.

What Indy said is also so true, that when you don't know anything different... I was thinking about that the other night after reading your initial post and that it is really hard to compare because all of our situations are so completely unique. Our children are all so different and each come with their own set of challenges. Its hard to say whether 3 is harder than 1 when 3 is all I've ever known. And then once you go back to do it again you are no longer first-timers so you still can't compare since now you have the experience of parenting. We are fortunate that our children have adjusted well and the issues that we deal with seem relatively minor compared to the trauma suffered by so many other kids. However, that was divine intervention just plain and simple. When the children walked in the door we literally knew nothing about them. I don't know where anyone else stands on their faith and spirituality, but for us we knew God had our names written on a child's heart somewhere just as with birthchildren. We followed in faith the direction we felt led to by Him.

No child, bio or adopted, comes with any guarantee. I have often wanted to respond to certain comments from friends and family by asking to see the warranty that the doctor attached to their child's birth certificate. If the doctor gave my mother any kind of warranty when my brother was born she would certainly have grounds for a lawsuit!

Our agency suggested respite care also as a good way to test yourself for what you can handle. Our case was initially respite, the agency asked us to do it for 2 weeks and if it was too much they would at least have time to find another placement that could take all three sibs. I guess you know already that we passed our own test.

I know that you and your husband will arrive at a point in the process where you are at peace and will find the children you are intended to parent.

Suzy

[Graham]

Great question Dianne.
Here's my mantra:
The more sibs you adopt at once the better the adjustment process can be. But.....two is the hardest, three is fight time but OK. If I was to adopt...four is the king. My experience is that larger sib groups that come home to you bring their own family system with them. In addition to your work in creating attachments between yourself and each child you benefit from the group who have brought you their own system. Its that system that you will at first be relating to. Later, as the system begins to trust you, you will be able to develop those individual attachments. Some children have told me, later - as adults, that they were so amazed their parents welcomed the larger sib group at all that trust came much easier than it ever had before. So my guess is that this board will be right behind you!
Graham

[Angeleyes]

Graham,

My husband has up the limit of children he would adopt to 3.. Can I have that 4 kids is the best in writing with a signature and a parents note?


LOL

Angel

[slikmom]

My husband and I went from 0 to 3 when our sibling group was placed. It's been a year, we've finalized, and the children have made great progress in dealing with some of the difficult issues. We keep a journal of progress (or lack thereof) to remind ourselves of the 'baby steps'. When they were placed, my children were 3,6, and 8.
There were a few things which changed right away. In the last year, my husband and I have clocked 10 hours of 'Just Grown-Up' time. We found our support network lacking with respite. To keep sanity, we have arranged weekly respite times where each of us can leave the house alone to sit and have coffee or something. I wish we had planned this better, but through trial and error, we have survived.
We had a difficult time finding a therapist that we were comfortable with and also would see a family of five.
I think that the children had each other to help with some of the adjustments. I can only imagine how a single child would feel under the microscope after placement.
We constantly have to re-evaluate what is really important. Our discipline has evolved and continues to do so each day.
I do not regret any day.. although I thought twice when I went for weeks with little to no sleep..
I love each of the three children like I never imagined I could.
As a bonus, I thought I would miss the first smile, first word, kinda stuff with an infant. But I don't feel any void like I used to (before I became a Mom). In a way, I have the first smile, laugh, etc.. because it is our first together.
I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and my marriage. This is definately what my journey of life was ment to be.
Feel free to contact me if I can help.
Heather

[Foster2AdoptMom]

Hi Everyone!

My husband and I went from no kids to four kids in a years time. Our first placement was a sibling group of two and that would be the roughest time for us. It is truly amazing the feelings and emotions that you feel when you have the responsibility of little ones. Mine were 2 1/2 and 4 at the time, but the oldest had some serious issues with behavior due to her background of neglect, violence, and drugs/alcohol at birth.

I know there were nights and days when I would just wonder, "what the heck were we thinking when we said we could do this?" but all the while knowing in my heart that this miracle child had survived such tragedy and I could never truly understand the road she was lead down before us.

To take them to the grocery store and they ask for nothing, and when taken down the ice cream isle and asked what they would like the reply was, "What is this?" You could have walked through a toy store and their eyes would stare in astonishment but not once would they ever imagine any of it could ever be theirs.

Our life was turned upside down within a matter of minutes and everything is nothing like it used to be. While I miss the quiet times my husband and I shared before the girls I also remember the empty space in my heart where I ached and ached for a child to fill it. I don't think I was really looking for a child that was so needy and dependant or one who would have such emotional turmoil, but we learned that in its own way, we are filling that void for eachother and while we provide the love and stability our daughters need, they give us the joy, the laughter (and sometimes the heartache) that we need as well.

Nine months later we took a 3 month old baby boy as a foster child and adopted him six months after that. And five months after getting our baby boy we got a surprise call that the girls biological mom had given birth to a baby boy and did we want him. So our sibling group of two grew to three in just over a year.

We adopted our girls in December of last year, but the baby is still in foster care. He is almost 20 months old, and they are supposed to be going for Permanent Custody, but the system and biological parents working the system has dragged it out for some time now. We just went to court last week and mom didn't show but Dad (who has yet to establish paternity) is contesting the case but in jail once again and the rumor is that his sister wants the baby. We are currently very heartbroken and walking on pins and needles. Dad was around the first month or so of the baby's life but disappeared until he got the PCC notice a few months ago.

Meanwhile my husband and I ache for what we very well may lose; not for ourselves but for the baby who has grown to love us and his biological sisters (half sisters) and his best friend who is seven and one half months older than him - his foster brother. The girls have had so much hurt and loss that I can't even imagine how I can tell them that their brother may be leaving.

All that being said, life changes with just one child - my thoughts are the more the merrier! Keep us in your prayers and best of luck to you all!

Sorry I was so longwinded -- I think it has finally caught up with me =)

Best!
Karen

[Graham]

You are all right. It is now your life's work. Please feel honored as you do what must be done. You are the soul of adoption, and on this election day, the soul of your country! I just think its the greatest thing, and wish my circumstances had been right for me and my family to do it too. Thank you all.
Graham

[Again!]

I adopted two siblings almost 2 years ago (and now I'm thinking about adding another). More than one hasn't been a big issue, actually I've found usually one is behaving rationally (and the cup is half full :>) They are now 11 and 13 and I couldn't be more proud of both of them.

[Kristin B.]

Hi,

In answer to your question, "has anyone adopting a sibling group without having other kids first?"...yes I have. My first adoption was of twin boys and I am now in the process of adopting their 1/2 sister. I had no kids prior to the twins. It has gone well, in fact having the twins, it was helpful as if I was busy for a few minutes, they could entertain one another. If you don't mind my saying so...every situation is different, one person's bad experience may not be the same for you or anyone's good experience may not be the same for you. With the decision you are trying to make, (sibling group or 1 at a time) it really depends on the kids' situations...special needs, emotional status, developmental status etc. and what you and your husband think you can handle together. From personal experience I can tell you, you are capable of SO much more than you thought you were once you've been through the process and see where you are today vs. where you were 5 years ago. Listen to your "gut instincts" and you can't go wrong. I hope I've helped in some way and not "muddied" the water for you!