[Deana]

I was hoping you guys could help me out. We are having a problem with the influence of our foster son on our other children and don't know what to do. I know the best thing is not to take kids older than them and believe me we will never take a boy older than our boys again but now that the child is already here is there anything we can do besides have him moved. We have never had this problem in the past but we had only taken younger children or older girls and the boys don't look up to girls. Our sons are 4, 6, and 9 the foster son is 11. I didn't realize how much they would look up to an older boy. They are picking up some of his less desirable traits and then we have several children with behaviors instead of just him. He picks on our 6 yr old so much(and sometimes our 9 yr old joins in with him) that it is hurting our 6yr olds self esteem and is upseting him. He instigates arguments between the other kids which hurts their relationships, they get along wonderfully when he is at a visit and it is just them together. He is always trying to get the other kids in trouble so now they are on the defensive all the time. He got into trouble for lying the other day so then he was out to get someone else in trouble for lying and of course targeted our 6 yr old and ended up in a big argument over whether he lied or not. I think we will have alot of these issues with any boy older than them and won't take one again. His behaviors are not so bad that we can't handle him its the disruption he is causing for the other kids and trying to handle several with his behaviors that is too much. I was hoping his placement would just be a few more months but now his worker would like to have his goal as long term foster care but if they do reunify it will be at least a year and we can't continue the way we have been for that long. So are there any ideas on how to solve this problem or are we going to have to have him moved?? Thanks for any help you can give.

Deana

[Dr. Art]

It is probably safe to say that a child who is 11 and still in the child welfare system is probably damanged and very hurt. The behaviors you are seeing are probably the result of an extensive history of neglect and broken promises (many youg children think a home is forever even when it is a temp. foster placement).

You may want to think about your foster-child's developmental age and treat the child as a much younger child...say age 2 or 3. That would mean keeping the child always within line-of-sight and within arms length...to keep him safe and protect him from getting himself in trouble. Simplifying his life with fewer choices and opportunities may also be helpfu. Three very good books you may want to consult for other specific pareting strategies are:
Attaching in Adoption by D. Gray
When Love is not Enough by Nancy Thomas ( I have a link to her website on my website, under the links page)
Facilitating Developmental Attachment by Dr. Daniel Hughes

Best regards