[Suntrekker]

Following on from the previous posts concerning successful older child adoption I would like to ask for some advice.

I am in the process of getting approval to become an adoptive parent and have been considering a sibling group of 2 children between the ages of 3 and 10, however I have been advised that by the time children are 10 years old they are set in there ways and that I should be looking at children up to a maximum of 6 years old.

Therefore I would like to ask what you think about the advice given above. As a single prospective adopter I want to be as fully aware of all of the issues as I can be and of the possible consequences of any decisions that I make.

[Linny]

After having adopted many times.....infants and older, I would strongly suggest you consider this:
USUALLY (caps here only for emphasis), and I stress 'usually' the younger the child, the less amount of problems you will incur with the child.
Yes, there are always exceptions. But, having adopted three children (one sib set, one single) who were older, this seems to be rather true. The sib set was 3 and 6yrs. The single, 7yrs.
I do believe there is a benefit to adopting sibs who have always been placed together. I am biased, due to the situations we have encountered with the 'system' and older adoption; but it seems that when sibs are able to be placed together, they still have some sort of continuity in their lives.....despite abuse.
One caseworker told me that of the three types of abuse: sexual, physical and neglect, by far the worst one to deal with was the 'neglect'. I couldn't understand that at the time; however, after having a RAD child (with other dx) live with us and now living in a residential home, I fully agree with her.
Sibs able to stay together, somehow seem to be able to still bond and that helps with parental bonding when they are adopted, I think.
My advice would be to greatly research children you are interested in. Do not trust one report or person entirely as to what you read and hear about a child....as there is usually more. That said, in adopting older children, I would suggest the 'easier' route would be to accept children from birth to three. IMO, after age three, much of what a child learns about behavior is very set. This is not to say behaviors can't be modified somewhat; but it can be quite challenging to do so.

Hope this helps.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[kay]

You're asking a good question, but one that only you can really answer. Just as all of us have different strengths and weaknesses - the children we will parent are all different. Some kids are hardened and some destroyed by their experiences before they come to us - and there's no magic age at which that happens. Some lose that ability to adapt at a very early age, so "younger than 6" is not a magic formula. Some are still open to healing when they're teens.

No matter what you think you sign on for, the experience will be different than you expected when your child comes home. In many ways, being a single parent is more difficult - you have to be sure to have a solid support structure set up; people you can call in the middle of the night, people who are authorized to take your child for some hours when you feel you can't take it any more (it probably will happen!); people who will listen and be supportive when you have to vent your emotions. On the bright side, you don't have anyone second-guessing your decisions - sometimes that's scarier than you can imagine, sometimes it's great not to have to consult with someone else.

There's no way to know positively how things will turn out - be sure to get as much information as possible on the child(ren) you may be offered; think long and hard; look at the issues that are known; talk to your friends and family. Don't say yes to a child simply because of their age, and please don't say no to a child for that reason either. (My son was 9 when he came home; he's adapted wonderfully and is doing very well.) Good luck - it's a big decision!

[louise]

we, too, have adopted older than the magic age of six, with good results. Josh was actually 12yo when we finalized and we were prepared for the possibility that we had missed the window of opportunity with him. Not so, he is doing very well overall (still some ups and downs, but mostly ups!)

OTOH, we disrupted a placement of a severly disturbed child a number of years ago. She was only four when she came to us and six when she left.

Siblings are an interesting prospect. On the one hand you may have the advantage Linny described, in that they "know" relationship and, so, can hopefully generalize that to other interactions. On the other hand, sometimes a sib relationship is pathologically unhealthy due to abuse and it's ramifications (this was the case with Josh and his sister Kirstie) This is a terrific challenge to face but not impossible. Our two still resort to the unhealthy stuff in times of stress, but overall are tremendously improved from when they first arrived.

So many variables come into play with adoption. At some point it is a total leap into the unknown, on faith alone. Not much consolation, but the truth.

[Graham]

...with most of the above. I would just add that many older children who have attachment capability want a family so badly that they will try to change just about everything they can to achieve one. This is doubly true for parentified oldest sibs of an intact group. Unfortunately this huge effort is hard for them to sustain over time. Helping them to become themselves, and overcoming their fear of loss, become the parental tasks.
Also, I can't leave this thread without a pitch for adopting teenagers. Its a different relationship of course, more of a limited partnership, but very worthwhile in the long run. And there are thousands who would jump at the chance if it was ever offered to them in a way that they can understand.
Graham