[Stormy]

I thought a good topic would be about the lessons you learned that would be helpful to others who are starting or in the middle of the adoption process. I know I keep saying that without this board I wouldn't have my son. If it wasn't for the support and advice, the guidance and experiences of others, and another maryland families insisting that I call the agency that eventually placed us with our son, we wouldn't have him. We wouldn't have another child for a very long time I am sure.

For me, some lessons I have learned are...
1. In your first few meetings with your worker have them define how much contact as far as updates they will give you (every two weeks, every week) and how much they are going to do to look for a match for you. Even if you are working with Social services you need to know how much or how little they will do so you can either move onto another agency or hold them accountable if they don't keep their promise. It may be good to write down what the worker commits to so that when you don't get an update you can call and say "just calling for my bi-weekly update". After a year of waiting we realized that our workers had never inquired about any children on our behalf and hadn't even read our homestudy. they were waiting for a healthy caucasian baby to place with us and we insisted we didn't want that in our homestudy.
2. get a copy of your homestudy. Say in the first meeting that you are going to want to at least review it with the worker. They don't like to have you do so, but you don't want mistakes and other things in the homestudy. It may mean the difference between a placement or not. We found out after a year that our homestudy was very inaccurate. It was very difficult to get it fixed after that and it took us 9 months.
3. Get together with others who have adopted and learn from their stories. You may even be able to get a lead on a good agency or a child who would be good in your home.
4. Don't be afraid to call agencies that are fee based. We adopted our son that way and they lowered the fee to what we could easily afford. His fee is paid in full and we have the child we thought we would never adopt.
5. try foster care while you wait. At least short term or respite. YOu will not only learn how your family does with children of different ages and numbers, but you will also gain experience with children who have different needs and of different races. when we sought to adopt our son we were able to say we had experience parenting a child who was AA and with special needs.

I think those 5 tips are some of the most valuable that we have learned. I hope others add theirs. (since we haven't finalized yet we could use some tips for the future ourselves )

[Deana]

I wish I knew I was going to be changing workers every few months, getting worse each time.
I wish I knew my workers were not going to look for a placement for me or put much effort into helping on children I found to inquire on.
I wish I had realized when I saw all these cute little ones on the internet that everyone else was looking for the same things as me and I was going to have to compete to adopt.
I wish I knew I should shower praise on any worker who actually called me back.
I wish I had went the domestic adoption route to start with because we have spent that much and more on trying to do a special needs adoption.
I wish I knew workers will lie to you to place their kids.

Sorry this is all negative. I'm really having a bad day. Problems with services for our foster kids.

Something I would love to hear from others who have adopted would be some inexpensive agencies for domestic adoptions. Minority, special needs, etc. It all seems so expensive to me.

[Barksum]

And with Deanna, too -- even the negative out there needs to be aired!

We've worked with DHS to adopt, foster and are again working to adopt. Our out of pocket expenses have been negligible. (As in less than $200.) We've had only 2 adoption workers in the 3 years we've been with our agency, each of whom have been responsive, active and professional.

I found out that our case isn't actually the average experience. I found out that people aren't as encouraging about adoption as I thought they would be -- or SHOULD be. I've found out that often people are mired in stereotypes about foster and adoptive children. I've found out that I can do more than I sometimes think I can! I've become stronger in my personal character. I've been humbled by what I don't know. I've been encouraged by strangers (all of you here on the board were strangers at one time, and many of you have encouraged me along the way! )

What I would like to tell others just getting started is:

1) Do your research. Check out EVERY aspect of adoption, even those that you don't want to be involved with. (ie: private domestic adoption, overseas adoption, trans racial adoption, older child adoption, open adoption, etc. etc. etc.) Every avenue you explore will give you the vocabulary of the adoption process, and open doors to ideas and concepts that you haven't considered. It will give you areas to explore more fully and help you have a well rounded understanding of adoption issues in general.

2) Learn to be patient. If you already think you are patient, learn to be MORE patient!! This is not to sit on you hands doing nothing, but to be diligent in working toward your goal while continuing to be polite, relaxed (he he he) and yet not so imersed in adoption that you forget to live the life you have.

3) Prepare your friends and family. That is, help them to understand the kind of adoption process you have chosen to follow and why. Talk about the types of child(ren) you are hoping to adopt, the way you are preparing your home for another child (or more children), etc. It's an education process for others as well as yourself. This is an important step so that you will know whom your support network will be comprised of after the child(ren) is(are) placed with you. AND you'll need that support network!

4) Advocate for yourselves. Follow up on all inquiries, keep contact going with your caseworker. For some people this will be an ongoing and difficult job. For others, like me, your CW will be a delight to work with and you will trust them to oversee your interests well. Regardless, learn to document calls, follow up, keep records, etc.

5) Know your limits. Don't think that you can ride in on your white charger and save the world. You will not be able to adopt every child that you know needs a home. Determine what your family's strengths and weaknesses are, determine the types of issues your family can deal with RIGHT NOW, and look for an adoptive match that works within those dynamics. Always consider the children you have in your home already and go from there. If you want to change your perameters over the years and adopt several times, you can always do that, but be realistic and know what you can handle NOW.

I'm looking forward to reading all the replies! I always learn something from these kinds of questions.

[mary112233]

We have adopted 4 and are working on Our 5th But We are by no means experts. Our first 2 were angency adoptions from an agency that places waiting children. Our last have been foster children who have become available. The first thing I guess we learned is that no two adoptions are the same. Even if they are through the same agency. Our first was placed with us just days after our HS was complete. It was smoth sailing from then on. Our 2nd was a nightmare. This adoption undertaking is not for the faint of heart. I also recomend Foster care. Two of our placements have been new borns so if you are looking for younger kids that might be a way to go. And please above all else don't take a child that you are not 100% sure about. It not fair to anybody. I know we all would love to see every child have a home but getting a placement that doesen't work helps no one.
Mary

[Mom_Of_Many]

I wish we had known how untrue most of the profiles we read were. The two kids we adopted from other states were nothing like their profiles. Both has pristine profiles....one kid turned out to be abusive and a sexual perpetrator who abused our other kids. I wish we had known that a profile of a child could actually be THIS far off. I also wish we had known how disturbed a child in foster care can be, even if adults don't see it....his foster mom of five years, whom I talked to in advance, thought he was a sweet and caring child, as did we. (He perped on her kids too and now her home is under investigation because she ran a daycare). Be careful and maybe make sure you adopt a child who is significantly younger than your youngest child. If we had done that, this wouldnt' have happened to our kids. He only picked on the young ones and left our 17 year old alone because he knew she'd have kicked his butt and exposed him right away. But he knew how to make the little ones very frightened. Anyways, just be aware that profiles can be deceiving and I'd watch it with bringing kids into the home who are older than your little ones. Good luck on your adoption trips. Adoption can be very rewarding. Five out of our six adoptions have been great

[Graham]

Thanks Stormy!
Wonderful idea. I hope everyone will contribute. MMaybe it'll turn into a "how to" manual that will benefit all new prospective parents!
Graham.

[dimasmom]

I wish that agencies would be there to support parents after the placement of an older child.

I wish that once my son started having problems, that someone in my agency would have been able to steer me in the right direction for services. I was lucky enough to link with the right supports on my own. But then, thats what I do for a living (casemanager for the disabled). What about the parents who don't know how to negotiate this??

I wish that agencies would tell families at least a little about the impact of neglect. Not enough to scare good parents away, but enough that families will know when to turn for help. And when parents do have questions, answer them honestly.

I wish that agencies handed parents a manual for facilitating attachment in adopted kids. No, not a guide book for reactive attachment disorder - but simply a list of suggestions on how to help kids at various developmental stages adjust to their new families. I'm hoping to have an opportunity to work on something like this during one of my internships.

I wish that all adoptions of older children first required parental training. Initially with our agency, we were pursuing open adoption. They mandated a weekend training seminar to make sure we understood and were committed to openess. They also gave us 2 books on open adoption. Why not have the same requirements for other adoption options. At least provide some books, video training etc.

And most of all .... I wish that all the beautiful older kids waiting for families, could get into the right homes and the right therapies without insurance/costs being an issue.

DimasMom

[Graham]

I'm just bringing this back to the top. Its a great idea and I hope everyone will contribute.
Thanks.

[SusanC.]

I wish I'd known how short the process really is in comparison to the life you must build with an older child after the process is through. I wish I'd hung tighter to the agencies involved, that I'd insisted they stay rather than trying to push them away under the belief that I could do this alone. I wish I'd sought more of their wisdom, demanded more of their accountability. I wish I'd learned how to effectively communicate with these agencies, how to ask my questions in a way that they would hear, how to find the services that they surely have available to my family... somewhere at the end of the beurocratic maze.

I wish I'd known how much I'd need God through the process of adopting my son, and through the process of raising my son after the adoption finalized. I wish I'd sought His strength more in the beginning rather than relying so much on my own strength. I wish I would have realized how little understanding my community would have on the intricacies of adoption, I wish I would have involved them more in the education of it - that I would have invited them to learn along with me. I wish I would have been able to put my friends in the position of being educated allies in my family's adoption journey, rather than setting us all up to be wary strangers because I wanted to show everyone how I could step up and save this child on my own. I wish I would have realized how silly this notion is - the notion of single-handedly saving a child - and I wish I would have asked for more help and many more prayers.

I wish I would have known how hard it would be, chasing away another person's monsters. Acknowleging that the monsters are real and yet knowing exactly when and how to show him that I am even more real. I wish I would have known how long healing would take and that those wounds would scar my heart just as they have scarred my son's heart. I wish I would have admitted to his issues as soon as I knew they were there rather than denying them, ignoring them and hoping that the issues would go away on their own. I wish I hadn't blamed myself for the issues, that I hadn't allowed myself to become tired and angry sometimes when the monsters never seemed to go away.

I wish that I would have known that adoption isn't a process of anyone "saving" anyone else, but more of a process of learning and of healing. I wish I would have known that I am not solely responsible for monster removal, but instead I am simply a part of an entire network - a collaboration of God and people - that works together, each bringing their own strengths, to teach my son to make his own choices, to realize his own worth and to fight his own monsters. I wish I would have known to have the faith that the healing can and WILL take place, not on my time frame, but on my son's time frame - and that this time frame will be as my son's heart allows it, and so it will be perfect timing. I wish I would have known that I WOULD fall in love with this child for the person he is - with both his beauty and his flaws - and not who I'd created him to be in my own imaginings. I wish I would have known that love, particularly in the matter of adoption, is a process in itself - one that takes time and willingness, that grows and changes and transforms in ways not imagined but that ultimately never fails. It never fails, it only takes time.

-SusanC.

[Barksum]

BOY! Do I agree!! Open adoptions do need to be explained and explored and there is education needed in how to facilitate those arrangements. So a big hooray for Dimasmom's agency for advocating for that.

However, neglect is so down played and yet so insidious that I really wish the agencies who do educate adoptive parents and foster parents would deal directly with symptoms of neglect and ways to address them. I'm not talking about children's health problems due to neglect, although those can be serious as well, but those are usually detectable and most parents can recognise and deal with them. I'm talking about subtle signs that I didn't know were directly linked to neglect until I started looking. And once you know WHAT you are dealing with it's difficult to find out HOW to deal with it. I'm starting with looking at PTSD and going from there, but neglect doesn't always produce PTSD as it is currently defined. So what then!? So thank you for pointing that out as an area where education is essential.

And a pamphlet suggesting ways for families to adapt after an adoption!!! What a concept! I'd buy twelve in a heart beat. Then my family and our close friends could see what we are doing and why. It's not easy bridging the gap left by neglect, abuse, and the trauma of leaving one home (foster, orpanage, whatever) and going to another, etc. If you AND the child are fumbling in the dark it's that much more difficult. Everyone knows how important attachment and bonding are so I'm kind of stumped as to why we don't have easy access to simple suggestions for parenting children who have or are at risk for the wide range of attachment issues.

My dentist suggests flossing a child's teeth while sitting on the couch with their head in one's lap. He mentioned this as a bonding experience and since he's adopted a child I listen to his advice! However, I can't see this working on the first day a child comes to your home!

Some of the things we did were to hold hands during family prayer times (meals, devotions, etc.) and to snuggle together to read books. This are natural settings for closeness. Now I'm trying to incorporate the flossing thing...LOL!!

Thanks Susan, for your frank appraisal of how things have gone for you. I appreciated your sharing how you should have used the help that was available more (God being a big one!). I tend to be a bit the same, so it was good to see in black and white that having help is not about me being a failure, but about me doing well for my family.

[Linny]

We had always planned to adopt. No fertility issues; just knowing we would always adopt to make our family. We adopted two infants overseas while we lived there (many years ago). Years later, we decided to adopt again....but feeling we couldn't afford it (infant wise).....we went through 'the system' and adopted older children.
Wish we wouldn't have been 'so green' and would have recognized the 'red flags of deceit' from the system before we ever finalized the first older child adoption. We kept thinking it was 'all us'.......I read a book called, "Adopting the Older Child" and refered to it like a Bible of sorts! How wrong. . We kept thinking that this child wasn't doing better because he hadn't been in our home long enough. As it ended up, the system unlawfully kept critical info from us----which would have shown us how much more damaged this kid was. We now have the paperwork (obtained through an attorney) in our possession. He needed to be placed as an only child. He needed to have much more counseling before being placed; and he certainly has/had much more serious problems than we ever knew. (In a psych ward at 3.5yrs for almost 1.5mos. straight for very bizzarre behaviors and out of control.)
So, we adopted two more children who were older (before the first older child got completely out of hand). They were a bit younger.....and they have blended into our family---wanted a family. They have adopted us. Still, their issues are likely to remain forever. I, like someone else wrote here, thought that I could make the monsters go away. The issues have blended more into the shadows.........but they remain.
The first older adoption now lives in residential. He will age-out there. He has severe RAD along with sooo many other serious mental illnesses.
However.....in this mess.........God led us to someone who gave us information that changed our lives in adoption. We met up with an attorney that is a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Private adoption. We always thought we could not afford it. By golly, one can! Loans, grants, etc can be sought. Many attorneys and agencies will accept payments. (A member can be found through their website.)

Just yesterday....we finalized on our baby's adoption. I feel like our whole family has 'officially' gone on with our lives by continuing to adopt more children.....our members are happy again.....we work as a family unit again.
Just wish we would have known this sooner than we did....

Sincerely,

Linny

[Graham]

Anything that you WISH you'd known

[louise]

I wish I had known...

how much I would love my children.

how many tears I would shed.

how heartbreaking some situations are.

how vulnerable my "already here" children were.

how "broken" some kids are.

how "unfixable" some angels are.

what depression felt like.

that love is never enough.

how proud I would feel when tiny steps are taken.

how to ask for help.

how to take a break.

how important my marriage is.

how important friends are.

how valuable support groups are.

how much money we would need for therapy (a lot!!)

how many books I would collect and eventually donate.

how happy I would eventually be.

how blessed I feel.

how much I love my children.

[slikmom]

I really like this thread..
Here is my list:

I wish I'd known:

How speechless I'd be when I first held my children

How inadequate the mountain of paperwork from DSS really was

That just because a foster home looks perfect doesn't mean it is

That I would have a constant battle with schools

That being an advocate for my children was a full-time job

How much my marriage is a partnership

What it feels like to have not gotten a straight 8 hours of sleep since my children were placed

The true value of the material items in my home (or those that have had to be thrown out!)

How much patience I really do have

How creative my husband and I have had to be with discipline

** How inadequately supportive certain extended family members would be. **

** Who I can vent my frustrations with -- and not have them judge me, my husband, or my children. **

How wonderful my sister really is

How much I would learn about myself

How much I would learn about my husband

How much I cannot imagine my life without my kids!

Heather

[jeniine]

so much...
I have been scared... In a few weeks I truly become a part of the process- my son will become someone elses son as well... I have read so many parts of this forum- the adopted childrens area is all over the map about their aparents (I imagine that a forum about children who were raised by their birthparents would look a LOT the same) but this is the first site from the aparents area that I have read that made me feel really good about my choice to place. (I have felt good abot my choice in my life... but while reading what a lot of bparents and aparents have to say... it kinda drags me down and makes me cry and not in a "gosh isn't that beautiful" sort of sense.) A lot of the threads have made me question the integrity of everyone involved in the process of the adoption of this baby- I felt in my heart that the aparents I chose for my son were the right choice... and you all reconfirmed it... Again.... thank you.