[Marleygirl99]

We had a little girl placed with us in Oct. as a possible adoption. She had been with her last family for 2 years and they did not want to adopt. They believed she had RAD, not in her files, ODD and bipolar disorder, in her files, but now come to find out most of the therapists and psychiatrists time was spent talking to the parents. We have the same therapist and she is starting to believe, as my husband and I do, that something else is going on. She was very heavily medicated, misbehaving and receiving consequences regularly at her former foster home which was always writing pages. They believed her to be a practiced liar and highly manipulative, someone who didn't wet out of trauma, but did it on purpose. when she was dropped off to us, her foster father stood in the LR talking about her as if she didn't exist. Saying she had no sense of loyalty, no empathy, etc. I was horrified. The only thing is no on else was seeing the behaviors. As time passed we began to see scary working memory and comprehension issues. On the day she was brought to us, we received a report from a neuropsychologist saying she may have alcohol and drug exposure and that it affected her basic math and comprehension skills. I now know, there is brain damage there, although DSS keeps blowing it off. The parents were TPR 'd in Dec and they pushed us to sign and adoption agreement, saying it was just to get the parents to sign. In Nov there was a meeting with DSS and they assigned her social worker to help us get an MRI and we are still waiting. The dr. says she has been rejected twice, she is on medical assistance. But yet, Kennedy Krieger has accepted her for diagnosis. We have to wait until May 29. I realize we are so lucky to have a place like this near us I just don't know if I am cut out for this kind of parenting. I am on edge, jumpy, looking for a therapist. I try to say emotionless when I realize regular parenting techniques aren't working and try not to be upset when she comes home in a bad mood saying "why didn't you tell me we had girl scouts?" even thou we talked about it two days in a row. I try not to be sad when she comes home daily asking questions like"mom, does 6x2=8?" but I think I am breaking down. I realize you can't force this to work, but she is 10 and looks 13-15, she is 5'2" and wears a size 8.5 shoe. It is so hard to see the little child and bond. In addition she accused me of touching her inappropriately one night so, of course I called and DSS came out. My husband is a mess. Even though he was not the one accused, he worries it could happen again to him and he could lose everything, his job, his son, the bonding has stopped between the two of them. I am so lost. How do you know when to throw in the towel, especially if you feel the child may never be adopted by anyone else. We are so overwhelmed by everything and need advice.

[Kat-L]

I would be really worried about the accusation of inappropriate touching. If she were to go to school and say that, the CW would remove her and maybe your bio children as well. They could take your license and even keep you from adopting in the future. It's basically her word against yours. And, unfortunately, if she is manipulative, she may convince a therapist that she was abused. Maybe she was abused in the past and will report that abuse as coming from you or your husband. I don't blame your husband for standing back and being nervous. Even if allegations are proven false, the damage is done. People will always wonder if maybe the kid was being honest and he abused her in some way. If I were you, I'd tell them you can't keep her due to the risk of false accusations. Even if the county knows she lies, they still have to investigate every claim. For me, I couldn't deal with that.

As for the former foster parents, it sounds like they were at the end of their rope. I doubt they made up the 'lying' and 'manipulation'. They've known her for two years. She may still be honeymooning with you. Kids, especially kids over 5, can honeymoon for up to a year. The worst may be yet to come as far as her behavior and the false accusations.

[Barksum]

RAD and FASD have a huge overlap in behaviors. The difference between RAD behaviors and FASD behaviors is that RAD is cognitive and manipulative, FASD is brain damage.

Your child may have both.

[wcurry66]

I'm so sorry. it certainly sounds stressful right now. is there a chance you might get a little breathing room?

As for the touching, was it a misinterpretation of an action? Or a 100% falsehood? Just trying to understand if she innocently misunderstood (which may be FAS related) or if she was consciously manipulating

I do hope you are able to get a full diagnosis. Barksum is correct; it could be both.

I hear you about the math... I'm still flabbergasted when my 2nd grader gives a blank stare when I ask her what 2 - 0 is (only to then be able to do 7+8 without a second thought). Knowing its FAS based, has helped me calm down and focus on the positive techniques. If I truly thought she was doing it on purpose, I'd be livid

Hang in there

[jeffw]

I don't think you have to worry about loosing your son. If there was an investigation then a case worker and a cop would come by and check out your house. Finding nothing abnormal they would mark the complaint as "Unable to Determine" or "Ruled Out" and close the case. You would, however, then have a case history with your state's social services and that could interfere with future attempts to adopt. And they could remove the girl if they wanted to.

We had a kid like this who had most of these behaviors. He made accusations at us but never told them to anyone else. I say "had", because he is not the same person as he once was. We still have him. He has done a lot of healing. But it was an incredibly hard process, something that people can't understand if they haven't done it.

It takes powerful parents to succeed with a kid such as you describe. Unfortunately you can't really know if you have what it takes unless you really give it your all, live it one day at a time, and never give up on trying to figure out a way to make things better. You could find that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Your effort could change her life and what you learn about yourself could change yours. Or you could burn out and give up the effort, live in fear for the next 8 years, and sustain lasting damage to all of the relationships in your life. It sound like right now you are in "survival mode", staying emotionally distant to keep yourself from doing more damage. We went through that stage more times that we can count but always came back to the battle eventually.

[Marleygirl99]

Thank you so much to everyone. Jeff, it sounds like you made it thru. My husband went to a therapist today, who said don't give up. He is trying to work it out. We do love her, she is very sweet, and so hurt. She wants to let us in but is so afraid of being hurt. The accusation, we believe, came from her being jealous of the time I was spending with my son. We found out last night that her former foster sister(there were two other girls in her last home)was sexually molested by her father, so she had the knowledge and understanding but by the next day when the CW came, she was so confused about the order of things and said she was just playing. The CW, of course, spoke with her and then told us we were lucky it wasn't a school day. Her therapist spoke with her about the severity of the accusations and she only understands to the point that "mom or dad would go to jail". She still contends that she was joking. I am the one who chose to involve DSS in case it ever happened a second time, I wanted the false accusation to be on record.
I am currently staring at the ocean from my hotel room where I went for a night alone. As I drove away I started feeling like I could breathe again and at the same time though about how hard it would be to be a little girl whose parents didn't get off drugs to get her back and her last family didn't want her either. I intermittently cried and sang the whole way. I knew it was bad when I cried to a Pink Floyd song. We are strong and she and my son get along so well. I am going to take everyone's advice and hopefully get thru this. I have an appt. with a therapist next wed. I also think getting a solid diagnosis from Kennedy Krieger plus all the classes they offer to parents to teach them ways to cope and help their children learn and row and succeed in life. I am so thankful for this forum and all the other people who have supported me thru this journey.

[whoownsthis]

Good for you for taking a break! Be sure your bio son (the healthy sib) can do so, too, as needed. (And your dh of course, too.) ;-)

From my own personal experience (3 with FAS, moderate to mild, 2 also have/had RAD):

1. Allegations of false abuse are likely RAD-motivated (triangulation/manipulation, anger/resentment, fear/trauma). Even what looks like "confusion" or "joking" may be control-related. (Mine chooses to live everyone else's "story" because she's not willing to accept her own. Fear and shame are strong motivators for lying/claiming someone else's experience as your own.)
2. Confusion/not understanding what IS abuse is likely FASD-related.

Poor working memory could just be a cognitive deficit that may improve with interventions (tutoring, therapy), better health, even ADHD meds if she has that.

Has she received IQ testing by school? (Will need for an IEP.)


Good luck! It's a tough decision to make, but as long as you have the supports in place and advocate for her, the healing will come and the bonding can begin to take place. (Way to go, Jeff!) It certainly won't be easy and it won't be quick, but it sounds like you are on the right track by seeking evaluations and help for her. And if you know in your heart that you can't do this, being clear with DSS is the best thing you can do for her.

[Marleygirl99]

Thank you again for all the support and ideas. My son is my stepson, so he gets a three day a week break at his mom's luckily. He is our first concern, of course, and we talk regularly to make sure he is not being negatively affected by what is occurring. He and my FD get along great, thankfully. They are 9 months apart, he is older and one grade ahead. We are going to keep chugging along. Tx again!!!

[jeffw]

Originally Posted by Marleygirl99

Her therapist spoke with her about the severity of the accusations and she only understands to the point that "mom or dad would go to jail".

That's a scary amount of power to give a kid. I'd rather have mine thinking that the biggest consequence would be that they would get in trouble for telling lies. My preferred response would be "Ha! that's quite a story. What do you think would make you want to tell me a lie like that?"

[alys1]

JeffW, is your child FAS?

[whoownsthis]

I agree, Jeff, especially if the child does have RAD. Too much knowledge (power) for a dysregulated child!

Likely not the right thing to tell an FASD child, either. Better to discuss the damage to the relationship (trust between parents and child) and how lies "hurt" the other in the relationship. My FASD kids don't like to "hurt" or disappoint us (well, not anymore now that the RAD is mostly healed. In the beginning, that was their aim... to push us away!)

[saranbr]

I'd be quite concerned hearing the therapist tell her you all could go to jail b/c of her accusations. Sure it's true, but that's like candy shop material for a RAD kid. Maybe yours has different issues and she won't see this as a great opportunity for her, but I can tell you that that was one of our greatest concerns with our former son. I was well aware that as soon as he figured out he could get us in trouble by lying, it would be over. It almost was-- already had one CPS investigation and several accusations of his father trying to "kill" him to the school prior to our having him rehomed. That stuff goes no place good.