[Lilathe]

When I took my 7 year old to his counselor, I got some very shocking news about an old friend. It literally made me sick to my stomach.
I have had a friend for over 12 years that was a foster parent back when we used to foster. He and his wife took really tough kids, autistic ones, wheelchair bound, HIGH level special needs kids. He was a habilitive home here where we have almost none. I knew his daughter from our church before i ever met him, back before either of us started fostering. Wonderful sweet loving child. He and his wife divorced years back, and he adopted some of the children he fostered along with several other ones.
He was a single adoptive father, someone that I called with questions when the going got tough with my foster children, and later on adoptive children. He and I traded off as President of the FPA and helped each other when the other one was serving.
Several years ago he had an allegation of sexual abuse by a child in his home. It was investigated, originally found unable to determine (we have three levels reason to believe, ruled out, and unable to determine). He and his wife hired a lawyer and the state ruled it "ruled out" on appeal. He and his wife divorced shortly after all of this.
My son's counselor just told me that my friend was indicted for sexual molestation of at least three boys. There are also three other children, now grown men, that grew up in his home that have went on to molest children.
I am in total shock. From the evidence, there is not a whole lot of doubt that this is true. There is no way that the allegations are false this time. I am just so sick. I held this man's hand through his first investigation, believing that it was just a really mixed up little kid. Two other boys in the home had moved into their adoptive home the day the little boy made allegations. We all believed the little boy was just mad that the other two children were adopted and not him. He was new in the home and had been removed because of molestation in bio home.
This was a man that I watched take an autistic little boy and perform what everyone considered miracles with. I just want to scream or cry or something, to think of all those boys through the many years that lived with him. I am also very thankful that I never took him up on any offers to babysit for me. I never spent time with his children (except daughter), so at least I don't have to blame myself for not picking up on anything from them.

On top of this, the man that lives three houses from me, was just arrested for molesting boys in an orphanage here. He was volunteering as a tutor there two evenings a week (he was a University Professor). To top it off, he used to be a youth minister for a baptist church and was charged with molesting three boys there but the records were sealed so it didn't show up in background checks.
He has an 11 year old daughter that is friends with my 11 year old. I am thanking God that I am so overprotective and his daughter only came here, none of mine have ever been in his house or yard. But there are boys that live on all 4 sides of him that have been.
Just having a very bad month trying to figure out how people can be so sick but look so normal.
Linda

[dimasmom]

I completely understand your outrage and concern. I am not sure I can ever trust my son with anyone after a personal experience. As a teenager my family switched to a very evangelical Catholic church. The young priest, assistant pastor, was loved by everyone. We really had him up on a pedistal. People actually likened him to a profit. People would travel from all over the Buffalo area to our church for mass. If there was ever anyone I would have totally trusted my son with - it was him.

And then, several years later, a fellow priest, equally likable, was charged with sexually offenses. Suddenly our beloved priest confesses to having sexually abused youth for years - even youth in my very own parish.

His actions will forever affect me. I will never be able to trust my judgement on my son's behalf. I will never be able to trust myself to determine who he is safe with and who he is not. This is especially frightening given that my son is the perfect target, given his early history of profound neglect, RAD (now resolved) and bipolar.

My present priest really thinks highly of my son. He is amazed by his story and how well he is doing today. This year my son is old enough to be an alter server. Will I let him - Yes. I have to try really hard not to let my fears prevent him from living. Will I let him be at the church alone - absolutely not, not even when he's 20!!!!

[louise]

the distress of finding out that someone you trust and admire is actually somebody very different.

My own feeling is that one can never tell just by outward appearances. Often, it is my gut that first warns me of someone's trustworthiness or otherwise. I have come to listen to that instinct. It rarely fails me. I also have learned to trust my children's instinct and not force them to associate with anybody they are truely uncomfortable around.

Lilathe, I am so sorry you are struggling with this news. I have been in a similar situation only once and now that it is very painful.

[Stormy]

Lilathe.
While I don't know how difficult it is for you since this person is a former friend of yours. I do understand the fears associated with having a pedophile in the neighborhood.

We have a neighbor who moved in about a year ago. Seemed like the nicest guy in the whole world and we were really happy to have such a wonderful neighbor. Then he, offhanded, mentioned to me that he was a registered sex offender. He told me this story about how his ex- step daughter wrongfully accused him and he took the sex offender charge to protect the child from the trauma of a trial. (and all death row inmates are guilty,right?) That scared the daylights out of me! But to make sure not to make waves we still play nice-nice when we see him out in his yard and such. But would never let our child be with him alone. It really gave us a wake up call that we had to be leary of everyone because you never really know who is the offender.

Then recently my next door neighbor came over and told me that his daughters day care provider said she thinks his daughter has been molested. They think it is her uncle. (the little girl is 3 and I don't know how my neighbor has kept from tearing this guy limb from limb). But again, you never really know about some people.

I stay at home with my kids on purpose. Because I couldn't trust anyone with the safety of my children. They stay in the care of my parents, my MIL or a very trusted baby sitter (the pastors pre-teen daughter). Beyond that, I don't let anyone else watch them. I even had to work up to feeling comfortable with his staying with the nursery worker at the church. I just feel like until they are old enough to protect themselves it is my responsibility to do so. YOu just never know which neighbor is going to break your trust, or which relative is going to be the one to hurt your child.

Don't blame yourself because you couldn't see it. I have found that with these two people you would have thought they were the nicest people in the world. But then they turned out to be pure evil. You are wise to be so protective of your kids.

A

[jackie]

When I was 14 I began babysitting regularly for a 2 year old. Just about every weekend I watched this boy at his house while his single mom worked mananging an upscale restaurant in the Hamptons. I even slept over on the weekends. I worked there for 3 years and toward the end I had taken on another job during the week that cut into watching this boy on Friday nights, so the mom hired another girl to watch the boy on Fridays but it soon turned into her doing most of the weekends and she would sleep over as I had been doing. My during the week job didn't last past a month, and I was back to sitting for the little boy on the weekends, but I alternated now on the weekends with the other girl. The mom felt is wasn't fair to just let her go. The first weekend I had been there in a month and this little 5 yo boy was so different. He said things that didn't sound right and touched me in places that weren't right. Then he began to tell me what things he would do with the other sitter. I thought I would be sick. This other sitter was only 14. I was such a naive 17yo at the time that I could not understand where a 14 yo would learn to treat a child like this, she was still a child herself. What was worse was that I was now faced with telling the mom because the girl told the boy not to say anything to his mom or she would do things to him. What worse things could she do? When I told the mom I think she suspected and was releaved to hear that he told someome. I can still remember having to talk to the detectives and all. I had to talk to the boy alone while recording his answers on a tape player because he wouldn't tell anyone else but me. To this day I wonder how he is doing as an adult. It is making me angry just thinking about it. I am glad also that I am home with my children.

Blessings,
Jackie

[Mom_Of_Many]

Well, you know OUR story. Our 13 year old sexually abused my other kids while living with us for two years. He was such a "perfect kid" to us and ALL adults (it has come out that he also sexually abused all the kids in his old foster home of five years, and nobody knew) and he so thoroughly terrorizied his victims into silence that he has left behind him a long trail of victims. He has admitted to abusing kids as young as two. He fooled caseworkers, foster parents, teachers and even psycologists into thinking he was a nice, well balanced kid. The people who do this are masters at "acting" like great people, the type you'd NEVER suspect...and, of course, they have ways to shut up their victims. And, like your friend, they tend to be able to make professionals, like caseworkers, like them so that they are found not guilty. I have gotten so paranoid that I don't let my kids visit any friends unless I personally know both parents, and this post will probably make me think "Do I REALLY know them?" You have my sympathy, but nothing surprises me anymore. We lived it and saw it, and this was only a child, yet he had his act perfected. I was told some very interesting statistics on sexual perpetrators by one of the support groups I called. Most sexual predators start at 12 and are caught at a medium age of 28. In between, they abuse an average of 18 children. Scary. It's the nice teacher who spends extra time with your child, it's the kind neighbor down the street who helps you when your car is stalled, it is the church leader who teaches Sunday School, it's that nice teenager who mows your lawn....it is anyone, girls included *sigh*. Take care.