[jackie]

We are beginning the legal paperwork going toward finalization. We had talked to J about changing his middle name when we do. He has chosen a new name that he likes and I let the lawyer know that we will be changing J's middle name. Now J has decided that he wants to actually change his first name. He is 11 and will turn 12 right around the time of finalization. We have told him that everyone knows him as J and if we called him something else now, that it would take a very long time for everyone to get used to it, especially him. We've been pretty firm about him only changing his middle name, but I was wondering if there was anyone out there that had ever changed their child's name at this age. His name isn't anything off the wall or anything, it's a nice normal name. I just think that he is excited about the fact that this is an opportunity for him to change it and he thinks that he wants to do it. Any thoughts or comments on this would be much apprciated. Thank you.

Blessings,
Jackie

[Peggy]

My daughter wanted to change her name every day for a while. and was really stuck on using her mom's name. She did agree to my suggestion after a while

[Happy]

How about "trying out" the new name for awhile, just amongst yourselves, beforehand. See how it goes. It may be easier than you thought, or it may turn out to be more awkward than he thought. Then at least you'll have something to base the decision on before it becomes legal and permanent.
Happy

[Graham]

My 13 yr old son wanted to change his name last year. He has an unusual first name, and that may have been part of the motivation, but he's well-known and popular with his given name so we looked a little further. In his case we think it had more to do with the onset of adolescence and physical changes than anything else. We let him try on the new name he chose for a while and he soon gave up the idea. Of course, with a finalization and adoption issues things are more complicated than that.
How we name ourselves is fundamental to our identity, but we are not really free to "name" our identity until we also have gained sufficient maturity. Children need parental guidance as they explore the development of their identity, and you are providing that by allowing the creation of a new middle name but requiring the preservation of his first name. J is who he has been and is. He doesn't yet know who he may become.

In general, I have always advised adoptive parents not to change a child's first name unless it was something embarrasing or flippant (such as Justin Other Smith etc). Even then, I'd advise keeping the first name as an extra middle name. And then, of course, if a child insists on a name change you can choose to go along with it, but not make it legal. Plenty of adults and some children have chosen to be known by their nicknames, such as Robert "Red" Jones. And I just have to leave you with an extract from a favorite TS Elliot poem on the subject:

"When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name."

Graham

[Debra]

We've had our 12 y/o DS for 4 months. Early on we asked if he wanted to change his name (common, but an unusual spelling). He chose a new first name, kept his unusually spelled *old* first name as his *new*middle name. He'll answer to both, but the transition was remarkably unremarkable. It really seemed to help him embrace his new life with us, as he was eager to distance himself from the past. His sister (15 y/o) didn't want to change anything, but she has had a much harder time letting go of the past and still tends to romanticize the bio family. I agree with letting them "try it on for size" before making any legal changes. I honestly didn't think my DS would stick with wanting to change it, but he did and it was pretty easy to adjust from calling him "X" to calling him "Y", and he is as proud as can be of his new name (which of course is not really "Y".....LOL)

[Indy]

My first son was 16 when he came to live with me. He decided to keep his first and last name. That was who he was. Son #2 came with a unique name and wanted to change it. So he became Michael. This caused some problems when #3 and #4 came along. Son #4's given name was Michael. So, I decided that we would change his first name. He helped choose his first name. Well...son #3 decided that if Son #4 is changing his name, he wanted to change his. Did you keep up with that?

I did keep the boys original first names as their middle names. The boys are thriving in their new identities.

Indy