[kburch]

I wish it was me, but it wasn't.

Dealt with my first runaway kid situation last night. We got into quite an argument with D (almost 14) at church yesterday afternoon. He took off and was gone for about 2.5 hours. Our church campus is HUGE, and we had no idea if he was still there somewhere or headed somewhere else. We called the police, but just as we were talking to the officer (about an hour later), he poked his head around a corner, saw the police car (he claims he didn't see us standing there, which we don't really believe), and took off again. The officer said he didn't want to file a missing persons report if he was still on campus, since he wasn't really "missing." We agreed and apologized for wasting his time, but that it was the first time we had seen D since he took off and had been afraid to assume that D was still around church, since he wouldn't have to go far from our church to end up in a pretty rough area. D called about an hour later (from some stranger's cell phone) to tell us where he was, and he walked back to the main building when we told him to meet us there.

We ended up in a long conversation afterward, and two rather depressing details came out. First, he has "memories" of things we "did to him (and his brother)" that are completely, 100% false. He used these as ammunition for why he was justified in what he did, and when we told him they never happened, he says we're wrong because he "remembers" them. I'm not sure what to do with that one...

He also said that he doesn't care about being a trustworthy person, he only does things we ask because if he doesn't, we don't let him "do things." He said he tried "doing the right thing *because* it's the right thing" for about 6 months, but it doesn't work, so he doesn't bother anymore. He just doesn't like it when he doesn't get to do what he wants, so that means that somehow he has to "get us to trust him." We told him that us "trusting him" means that we believe he will do the right thing even when we are not watching, and that "earning trust" with no repentance, no remorse, and no desire to do what's right even if you 'want' to do something different is pretty much doomed to failure. He's proven time and time again that as soon as he "earns trust," he uses his "freedom" to do what he wants to do. I guess now I know why...

[momraine]

I am sorry, I have no advice for you. I do know that my M can make up things and then convince himself it's true. I honestly think that at first he knows either he is making them up or they happened before he met us, but then once he says it, or thinks it, he can totally convince himself. He was convinced when he told a teacher how we were throwing him in his crib. Well, he doest have a crib in our house. He told his therapist a story that he had heard me tell about his brother when he was a baby and became convinced it happened between me and him when he was a baby, even though he was six when I met him. I wish I had some answers for you.

[Lorraine123]

S ranaway last week. The police charged her with being a juvenile runaway. Juvenile Services is now involved. They took it very seriously, but that could be because of her mental iillnesses and her lack of cause and effect thinking. While she was gone, she made some really bad choices and they had to call in a detective to investigate the people that she chose to hang with. We asked them to take it very serious to send her the message that running away is NOT acceptable.

[lucyjoy]

Anything that might have sparked ptsd and caused him to confuse what he remembers? T often remembered things that were real from him past but confused the people involved.

Hope your son won't make a habit of running away.

[kretzklan]

My DD also has 'memories' that she places here with us that happened before. We've been able to address most of them in therapy - but she's shared those fun stories with others...again, placing us in them. Now when she tells me, I share it with her teachers, other adults to cover myself. If she tells that story at school, they know that I already knew she was going to say it.
As for the other part of the discussion...in some way, is it good he could say it out loud? Some level of trust with you? As I read it, I thought "that's what my kids feel", but they could never verbalize it (yet). I'll be relieved when they can.
I would say that he only has 4 more years with you, so his 'fun stuff' may just have to wait!

[Barksum]

No advice, Kb, but lots of cyber (((hugs))) and prayers for stamina and staying power for you.

[crick]

I'm sorry you had such a hard day!

Sounds like D has it all figured out. He just needs to comply with the rules and then he can do what he wants. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he realizes that doing what he wants takes him back to the starting point of no freedom at all because he makes the wrong choices.

Frustrating!

[kburch]

That's an interesting question, lucy, and I don't know.

One specific example was about their door alarms. D said that we "never gave them a chance" to earn trust because we've always had alarms on their doors. We pointed out that we first put them on their bedrooms more than 9 months after we moved in to our house, which was almost 2.5 YEARS after they moved in with us. He says he specifically remembers them always being there, even in the apartment, and I think he thinks we're lying about it. We're not. We didn't even know those things existed at the time. But he's convinced we had them. PTSD, I don't know? But whatever caused it, what he's remembering never happened, and he's still convinced it did...

Edited to add: He also told us that if we consequence him for running away, then that will just make him want to run away more. So, as far as he's concerned, we should just do nothing, and then he won't ever do it again... So, who knows if this will turn into regular weekend entertainment...?

[sunshinemomma]

My Mom told my exDS her birth/adoption story where she had spent 11 months in an orphanage before being adopted by her parents. She told him in the context of look how well life turned out

He went the next week to our therapist who knew his real history and tried to tell her he had spent 11 months alone in an orphanage..........strange but her story was "worse" that his and he thought that maybe he could get pity if he told her history as his own. He was adamant that it was his story and furious when we didn't believe what he "remembered".

[zebramom]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

Anything that might have sparked ptsd and caused him to confuse what he remembers? T often remembered things that were real from him past but confused the people involved.

Hope your son won't make a habit of running away.

We have had the same issue here. In therapy one time, T said that I hit K (our other little guy) over the head with a belt and caused his head to bleed. This NEVER happened, but it is very real in T's mind.

The therapist explained that very often the kids will mix up what happened in their birth home and then it becomes the adoptive parents that did it. Our therapist saw this first hand when she was at a family's house and saw the child fall down the stairs. The child accused the adoptive mother of pushing him down the stairs. The adoptive mom was nowhere near the child when it happened, but it was very real in his mind. The therapist was standing right there so knew that mom did not push him. When they read the case file, they discovered that the birth mom HAD pushed the child down the stairs, so falling triggered this memory and it became the adoptive mom that did it.

Not sure that this is the case with D, but just a little insight. To this day, T will STILL swear that I did this to K and the kids have been gone for 6 years now. It is real to him.

Hugs and hope you don't have a chronic runaway. BTDT!!!

[kay]

Originally Posted by kburch

So, as far as he's concerned, we should just do nothing, and then he won't ever do it again...

This is the kind of logic I would get from C! Not much fun, you're in a lose/lose situation. I think I remember that C's unreasonableness peaked around this age, along with his anger. It was a horrible stressful time, and I have no advice to see you through. Just lots of sympathy.