[mellaf]

I rarely post on a.com anymore, but I could really use some advice.

Sparkle has been on a somewhat downward spiral the past month or so. Huge attitude, backtalk and in the past couple of weeks, she's burned herself twice with a curling iron and scratching her arms with tacks.

We just spent 12 hours in the ER waiting for a bed to open up at a behavioral hospital. She is now admitted and will be gone for a minimum of 9 days.

I feel like I failed her, because she hurts herself. She has a history of doing this at previous placements, but as a mom, I still can't stop myself from feeling that way. I'm angry at the bios, angry at myself and incredibly scared for Sparkle.

We're supposed to finalize on National Adoption Day next month. Despite everything, we still want to go forward with that. She's been given up on so many times and I don't want to add to that grief.

We've never been in the position we're in now. The self-injury is pretty new to us. We don't know what to do about it. We'll be meeting with the hospital staff once they do the initial evaluation.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom to help us get through this?

[Peggy]

My daughter did some self-injury when she was younger. She no longer does that. There are levels of self-injury Some is just surface level and not meant to actually cause serious harm, I have forgotten what the clinical term for it is, and in some cases the behavior can be stopped.

[crick]

Since it's recent behavior in your home, I have to wonder if it isn't related to the finalization date. A lot of kids can regress shortly before and after finalization. This might be something she does when anticipating stress or being anxious etc, and hasn't felt this level of it until the upcoming finalization. So I do hope the therapist team has some type of experience in not only the self harm situation but adoption.

I'm sure it is hard not to feel guilty about it! You are her mom and it hurts to see our children hurting. I have moments of anger and loathing towards the bparents too and I just go with it. How can we not, kwim?

I hope you find the support needed from the hospital staff and from here too!

[dklevy]

I don't know how to deal with it in someone else, but I was the one who self-mulitated. It was like Peggy said, surface injury not to cause harm. For me it was two-fold. On one hand the physical pain and act of cutting/burning helped me turn the focus away from emotional pain. On the other, it helped confirm to me that I was somewhat invisible to the world as I would cut right in class and it took months for anyone to even really notice. But you noticed and jumped right to action AND are standing by her. That has to mean so much to her! Hang in there and try anything and everything to help her heal on the inside so she can stop hurting on the outside!

[athikers]

My daughter uses self-injury to manipulate. It is a horrible game that I'm not sure how to "win". She does not want to nap so she bites herself, pulls her hair out, hits her head on the wall, etc. If I ignore it, my daughter is hurting herself. If I go up there and get her to stop... she is getting what she wants and learns if she does these things, it gets mommy's attention (trust me, she has no shortage of mommy's attention to begin with). Glorious. I sure do wish I had better advice.

[mellaf]

I absolutely believe that part of it is how close to finalization things are...I also think the fact that she is still getting bio visits AFTER a judge terminated parental rights (they refused to sign so judge did it for them). We've fought those visits because they are extremely toxic but DCF says it was the "only way to get parents to sign off on the termination" and they are entitled to those. That whole situation ticks me off to no end.

This is a behavior that has happened in the past.

She also has a "friend" at school who is toxic and I think this contributed to her anxiety and stress. Supposedly this friend talked about hurting themselves when Sparkle chose to sever ties with them.

I also see manipulation being a part of it because the whole thing started with us saying no to buying her something and she guilted us by saying that whenever we wanted something, we got it and she "has to wait for her clothing check" to get anything which is complete BULL.


This whole thing SUCKS!

(That last part was just me venting. After being able to get some sleep, I can at least think about the situation more clearly and without totally breaking down).

[aMarylandfamily]

DO NOT FINALIZE UNLESS YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING THAT THE AGENCY/SUBSIDY/ETC. WILL ASSIST WITH ANY FUTURE TREATMENT NEEDS (i.e. residential services). Hopefully you won't need them but if you do it can be pretty overwhelming if funding assistance is not available!

Hearts and prayers are with you!

[txwannabemom]

are you supposed to continue visits after you finalize?
R does anxiety (and maybe boredom) induced self injury. (picks her skin apart, makes mosqito bites into deep pits). It has subzided after "events" such as finalization, medicinal changes, presentation at school.
I know you love Sparkle more than life it's self. She can heal. Have you considered a theraputic school environment, or smaller more intimate school setting?

you are doing exactly the right thing....getting her help.
you are doing a great job mama!

[kretzklan]

We have a self-harmer here too. It is dying down (I replaced her bed since she used the footboard to hurt herself a lot)...but I still do weekly (or daily) body checks. If there are numerous injuries...then she has to go to line of sight. It's a hard cycle...I hope they can help you break it!

[mellaf]

Thank you all for the encouragement. No one around us really understands what we're going through (other than my out of state family).

We just got back from a 2 1/2 hour visit with Sparkle. It tore my heart out to see her cry at the end. We're given as much time as we want with her, but we know we have to limit somewhat or else she'll regress. She also has movie night with everyone to watch Edward Scissorhands, so we wanted to make sure she had time to eat and shower first.

The question I asked after her SW signed her into the program was how this would be treated AFTER finalization. I will be putting a call into the subsidy unit in Boston tomorrow to make sure residential services are part of the MassHealth (medicaid). We were just approved for subsidy shortly before this happened--full adoption subsidy for her age, plus P.A.C.T. money we were awarded after Sparkle had some issues earlier in the year. We've been told that should we require more specialized services, we can apply to have it readjusted. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but I remember reading about issues with RTC not being part of subsidy.

We've been fighting the continuation of visits since TPR. THis month has been cancelled supposedly (due to her admission to the program). We have the open adoption to deal with, but I'm not confident that will work out for various reasons.

She was part of a therapeutic after school program before coming to us, was graduated when she moved in with us (despite us asking to keep her in it)-where in the process of finding something therapeutic for after school, because the boys and girls club that she goes to just doesn't have the ability to watch her that closely. Last year, her school literally refused to test her for an IEP (grades were too high), and we're in the process of requesting the testing due to emotional problems this year with the full support of her therapist and hopefully the program she's in now.

My family's genes are late to getting gray hair, but I think I've just shaved off about 10 years off the countdown.

Hubby and I are de-stressing tonight by watching men and women beating each other up tonight, eating junkfood and staying up late.

[hrisme]

Sometimes I have to wonder about inpatient programs...Edward Scissorhands is not exactly the type of movie I would select for a child who is dealing with self injuries.

Not much to add that previous posters haven't already addressed. Self injury can serve all sorts of purposes. Sometimes it is what my therapist and I call "ASB" (attention seeking behavior). More often, though, it has to do with either increasing emotion (and avoiding the "numb/nonexistance feeling) or decreasing emotion (inducing the numb feeling!). Sometimes it's a form of self punishment. Sometimes a compulsive behavior. Sometimes, in fact more than sometimes, a mixture of all of the above. It's confusing, frightening, and overwhelming for everyone involved.

Hang in there....it will either get better or get worse (I can't quite bring myself to be an optimist, and I refuse to be a pessimist, so I'm opting for being a realist)...

[akg1229]

I was a cutter, burner as a child and even relapsed as an adult at one point. I can tell one thing it is is a dern cycle. Once it gets started its ard to stop because it DOES relieve that pain and make you feel like you are real. I walked around so numb to emotions and everything around me, but drugs weren't my thing as a kid. Well that made me feel something so obviously I was alive. They have several websites you can google to help your teen find alternatives to scratching, cutting, burning, or other SI behaviors. Also if you see she is getting over anxious give her something to do, not for punishment it can even be fun things like yall can race around the house or something but that way she knows when she is getting anxious or feeling like hurting herself she can do other activities. I also started what we call a Crisis box my last stay in the hospital. You put a list of activities you can do and then stuff like smelly lotion and stickers and crayons and coloring pads and stuff like that in it so you can always have something on you if the mood hits. That has helped me ALOT. ( A big purse would work too btw)

Good luck sending hugs your way, you will get through this too.