[soultea]

It was never disclosed that our 3 soon to be 4 year old adopted child from the foster system had any problems. Of course some are to be expected, his brothers both have ADHD, ADD, ODD and Conduct Disorder. S has RAD, well we just found out he did. His behavior is getting worse and I have a new baby at home and he has threatened to kill him several times. I asked the boys caseworker about possibly dissolving and she should we could be charged with Refusal to Accept Parental Responsibility.

[jeffw]

The caseworker can't help. Its a court problem. You need to talk to an attorney.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by soultea

It was never disclosed that our 3 soon to be 4 year old adopted child from the foster system had any problems. Of course some are to be expected, his brothers both have ADHD, ADD, ODD and Conduct Disorder. S has RAD, well we just found out he did. His behavior is getting worse and I have a new baby at home and he has threatened to kill him several times. I asked the boys caseworker about possibly dissolving and she should we could be charged with Refusal to Accept Parental Responsibility.

You can do a private adoption to another couple. At 4 years old, there is a chance he would be fine with intensive therapy. And being in a home with fewer children (and no infants or pets) would be ideal for him and give him the best chance at success. There are agencies out there that will replace adopted children in new homes. I'll PM you the list.

[soultea]

thank you. The caseworker told us to be aware that if you make the decision to return him to the Department, it is highly possible that you and your husband will be found reason to believe for Refusal to Accept Parental Responsibility.

What does this mean? None of his health or mental issues were ever disclosed. I know the differance of diffcult children, his brothers are very diffcult but are never violent.

[Lorraine123]

In my state, you can't just call social services and relinquish your child. Social services is involved only if there is abuse or neglect. So, if you relinquish, they charge you with neglect. It is an actual charge that is against you. And you have to go to court and testify that you are a neglectful parent. In which case, they may take your other children.

Its a very difficult situation. Its one that most people can't understand. In MD, they are trying to rewrite the law, but I'm not sure what is happening exactly. They are trying to start "voulntary foster placement". I'm not clear with what is, but its supposed to help parents like you.

As someone else stated, you could do a private adoption. There are many parents here that have adopted from disruptions. Find a family to adopt him and then do it through a lawyer.

At age 4, there is a high likelihood that a new family could be found. There is also a high likkelihood that he may thrive in a family without younger children. Doesn't mean you aren't a great mom, just means that he needs a home without younger ones.

[waited2long]

There is also the choice of assigning someone else as your child's Legal Guardian. Laws on this will differ by state, but it basically means that someone else will raise the child, but you are still legally his parent if you ever need to take him back or move him to a different home.

I've looked into becoming a Legal Guardian myself when a friend of a friend became pregnant and I was not prepared to immediately adopt, but still wanted to take the baby.

[jeffw]

Originally Posted by soultea

thank you. The caseworker told us to be aware that if you make the decision to return him to the Department, it is highly possible that you and your husband will be found reason to believe for Refusal to Accept Parental Responsibility.

What does this mean? None of his health or mental issues were ever disclosed. I know the differance of diffcult children, his brothers are very diffcult but are never violent.

The case worker is saying you can get rid of him in the same way his birth parents probably did, with similar consequences. Don't do it that way. The private adoption option is a good one, if you can find someone to take him. Otherwise, if you can show that DFPS was negligent in their disclosure then you can probably have the adoption nullified in court. You would need a lawyer to explore that possibility.

[lucyjoy]

The easiest way is private adoption. Be sure you use a lawyer and that the child does NOT cross state lines without the proper legal procedures. Be sure the family you find for him understands his issues so that he is not moved multiple times.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

The easiest way is private adoption. Be sure you use a lawyer and that the child does NOT cross state lines without the proper legal procedures. Be sure the family you find for him understands his issues so that he is not moved multiple times.

Do you know if the new adoptive parents would be getting the adoption subsidy? When I was considering disruption, I was told the child would not rec'v the subsidy in the new family bc it would be considered a private adoption after we were tpr'd.

[mypov]

Okay, this is going to be an unpopular comment, I realize. I do think their are some cases where dissolution of adoption is justified but we have to remember this is not a sweater you are returning- this is a precious human being! Please don't write this child off as hopeless at four years old. Have some empathy of the PAIN he must be feeling to be so jealous of a baby that he says he wants to kill him. You never know what you are getting even when you have a bio child and certainly you have to realize in an older child adoption that there are things that no ONE (not EVEN DCFS) knew about what happened in the first years in a child's life. No one can see the pain or loneliness of an abused or neglected infant/toddler/child and NO ONE can predict the behavior that will result as they try desperately to alleviate those painful feelings by pushing away those that promise to love him.

Please, get therapy going, any and all services respites etc. There is also a place (though likely expensive) called centerforvictory.com where a specialist will come and stay in your home for a few days and help develop a plan to help your family heal- and provide follow up care after. The guys name is Eric Guy. His co workers wrote the book called Beyond logic, consequences and control which is a parenting book for special needs adoption.

Please please don't give up yet. It is hard, I know, I have considered it many many times my self but ultimately I know I will commit myself to my kids forever, no matter what.

Good luck to your family!

PS I'm not surprised his behavior got worse with a big change in the family dynamic- he is wondering if you will still love and keep him now that you have a sweet new baby. What is your answer to his fears going to be???

[lucyjoy]

The subsidy does not follow the child. However, the new parents can petition for subsidy once the child is placed. Also, it matters if the subsidy was title iv-e or not.

[aMarylandfamily]

I would contact your Juvenile authorities (or Family Services because this boy is only 4) and ask what is requried to file a CINS Petition - this will activate services for you and get evaluations done as necessary (i.e. determination if he would be declared a danger to others or himself) and also protect you from losing the other children in your home ...

Dissolution is very rare ... be careful in your wording of things as if this child is placed out of home without your participation in reunification (unless it is a private adoption) as a determination of action is made you could be paying a hefty child support payment.

Hearts, thoughts and prayers to all of you.

[Again!]

Have you tried involvement in self esteem building activities, regular therapy, medications, attachment therapy, short term inpatient psych placement and RTC placement? Have you taken all reasonable measures in your home to try to make the placement work? Does the child actually have a documented history of violence?

These are the questions the court will be asking if you try to dissolve the adoption. If you can answer yes to all of them, you should have no trouble dissolving the adoption (though you will still have to face a charge of abandonment and you will need a private attorney). If you cannot answer yes, I would certainly give those things a try rather than giving up. Get set up with post adoption services if you are not already, and if they aren't helpful ask to meet with your local CRC committee as they have many available resources.

I'll give you a tip that if you approach CPS with the attitude that "it was never disclosed that..." you will have a hard time, but if you come hat in hand explaining that you have given this child every opportunity and failed to improve him (assuming you have), and he is now a danger to others in your home, you will find sympathy and help. Believe it or not, most CPS workers actually are on the side of adoptive parents and do want to do whats right for the kids.

[soultea]

We are in attachment therapy now, along with kid therapy. I did contact the post adoption services yesterday and we are going to see if he can get some inpatient treatment. Also, have an appt for an assesement for special ed school for him since he is to young for pre-k. I have only told the case workers about him being violent recently, I have talked to the case worker in the past about his weight and throwing up issues. He is seeing a neurologist next month. I am trying but I really do have my hands full, I have a four month old baby, both his brothers are in therapy several times a week.

[soultea]

PS I'm not surprised his behavior got worse with a big change in the family dynamic- he is wondering if you will still love and keep him now that you have a sweet new baby. What is your answer to his fears going to be???

I understand what you are saying but it is hard to try and bond with him when he is talking about killing my baby. I suffered IF for years, IVF treatments = a big fat nothing. I had several surgeries etc, finally last year I had a huge tumor removed along with my ovary and tube. I got pregnant a month later so he is my miracle baby and I need to do everything I can to protect him. I did everything I could to protect him while I was pregnant and I have to do the same now. It's unfortunate but the boys bio mom was a heavy drug user and did not take care of babies while pregnant.

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe S's issues are deeper than I can deal with. He is so young to be acting this way and he did all this before I was pregnant so I know it's not the baby.

Had I known the extent of their issues beforehand I would not have choosen to adopt, I am here now and trying to do what I can but I am so drained and worn out.

I am just being honest and will take your comments whether they are good or bad.