[zebramom]

Greetings again everyone-

I have been very vacant on the board for a long time because, for the most part, things were going OK. Things have imploded and I really need some friends.

I have to give you a little background. In January DS was moved out of the RTC to a treatment foster home that is part of the RTC program. The good thing is that if he blows this home, he goes back to the same RTC.

Anyway, he has been "well" there, meaning the other kids in the house have had worse behavior than him, so his issues go unnoticed or undetected.

While I was at Jenny's house in August, I got a phone call that lumps were found on DS and cancer was suspected. (Thanks Jenny for getting me through that!) Fast forward a few weeks and he gets a clean bill of health, but has been scared and wants mom & dad. During the whole scare he wanted me with him the entire time and called me every single day. Well, the glory didn't last long. We did a few visits under the deluded thought that we would work toward transitioning him home. Well, he pulled his usual stuff, I held him accountable, and you can guess the rest from there.

A couple weeks after the last visit we have the quarterly team meeting. He blasts me for the horrible visit, keeping him from his birth family and just about anything else he can think of. I am responsible for everything that might even be remotely crappy in his life. That was about 3 weeks ago. We've heard from him ONCE since then. I don't make efforts to call him because I don't need to be blasted some more and if he is civil, he talks about what is going on his world and couldn't care less what's going on here.

Which brings me to tonight...

I received a phone call from T's foster mom wanting to set up times for the visit tomorrow. HUH? At the team we had discussed a potential visit, but we have only heard from him once since then and we hadn't heard from the rest of the team at all. Now here we are the night before this supposed visit and I'm getting a call at 8:30? I am not feeling in any position to have him in my house at all. I ask foster mom what his frame of mind is and if he's asked for a visit. She says he wants to talk to me.

He starts talking about how he wants the visit to go well and how we need to do shorter visits, blah, blah, blah. This is what the foster mother said at the team meeting. He's parroting her words. Then he says he feels stupid about the last visit. I asked him about what exactly. "For being disrespectful to Dad." Excuse me? You were a jerk to me all day, you saw
Dad for 10 minutes and the only part you feel stupid about is how you treated him? I confronted him on this. I also confronted him on the fact that he went through our bedroom, our drawers, and stole from us on the last visit. I asked him why he didn't feel badly about any of that. Of course he tried to put it back on me.

I also asked him if he wanted the visit and he said yes. I asked him why and he said because he wanted to go to his birth grandfather's grave. At the team meeting I promised him that next time he was home we would go to the grave. Well, I thought I would have more than 12 hours notice that he would be here. I don't even know where he's buried. It was also supposed to be me, DH and T going. DH is working a 16 hour shift tomorrow and I have no place for Shorty to go. He also told me that he just found
out about the visit, which means he didn't request it. Part of the "rules" are supposed to be that he fills out a home pass request form and fills out what his expectations are for the visit. Obviously this isn't happening.

Basically, he wants to be here for this visit because he wants something from us and since I'm not bending over backward to make this happen, I'm the bad guy again.

I told him that he can't come here just because he wants something from us or because someone told him to be here and that if he doesn't truly want to be here, then we don't need to do visits. Of course, now I'm rejecting him, but I just can't do this, nor will I put Shorty through this. I told him that I need some honesty from him as to whether or not he wants to be here. He said no and that he doesn't want us to be his parents anymore. We have heard this many times, but I feel like he is being coached and made promises by the foster parents. He told me that we just need to be done. I told him that I'm not going to force a relationship down his throat that he doesn't want. I've been trying this for 10 years and it hasn't worked (on top of the rest of this, the 14th was the 10 year anniversary of his adoption so my emotions are already raw) so continuing to try to force him to accept me as
his mother is just pointless since he just wants to be back with his birth parents anyway. Then he said no, he wants his foster parents to be his parents. He also told me that I don't need to make any decisions in his
life anymore. His foster parents are perfectly capable of this.

I told him that he will always be my son and I will always help to get what his best for him in his life, but that I can't continue to do this dance with him. He can't keep deciding one minute that we're his parents and then the next minute that he doesn't want us in his life. He said "OK Mom, I mean Kelly. You just need to be done." Again, it's all my fault.

I feel like the punching bag once again. He knows just where to put those emotional jabs to send me into tears. 10 years of loving this child are just plain wasted.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) Zeb. I'm so sad that your Ds is still successfully manipulating the system. It doesn't always help to know that he's got your number and is pushing buttons; it still just hurts.

Stick to the agreement made at the team meeting, complete with proper notice and the paperwork filled out and submitted, etc. That's not a frivolous thing, it's what is supposed to happen for good reason.

[crick]

I'm so sorry Kelly...that really stinks!!

Did you talk to the fm after this convo with T? If they are a theraputic home, they likely wouldn't be filling his head with promises etc, right? So does she know that T is saying all this stuff? Will she help you, I guess is what I'm asking.

[tybeemarie]

What an emotionally challenging time for you. I can only imagine how painful this all is. So much to grieve.

I think Crick's suggestion of talking to the foster parents is a good one. It would be good to know where they are on things.

I'm sorry things are so hard.

[zebramom]

Foster parents don't talk to us about anything! They say he can stay until he's 18 because he's such a wonderful child. We don't have their support at all. He has triangulated like a master and we are the horrible parents.

[tybeemarie]

Ouch! It's no fun having the horrible parent role. I am sorry, I really am.

[kay]

I'm so sorry Z. Words can't help, but know that I care, that you're in my prayers, and I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[AmyAnne]

Zeb,

we all know the truth. the truth is you are a wonderful parent no matter what T says or does or thinks. No matter what the foster parents think.

We are here. We care.

[ajjhmf]

Oh Z, I am so sorry.

[SuzBerg]

Z - I'm sorry! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of YOU! HUGS!

[kburch]

So sorry, Z. That just sucks.

[lucyjoy]

This situation is so screwed up. You can't reason with crazy people. It boggles my mind that others cannot see what YOU see in your son.

Set up visits on your terms, keep them short, superficail, take a witness with you other then family, and then do something really nice for yourself to recover.

He will eventually turn 18. I hope at some point he will realize how important you were in his life.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by zebramom

Foster parents don't talk to us about anything! They say he can stay until he's 18 because he's such a wonderful child. We don't have their support at all. He has triangulated like a master and we are the horrible parents.

And at 18 he will be on his own, bc I'm sure the fp's won't keep him without support. And what about in his 20's? Does he think he won't need parents then? Does he think that over the next two years his bp's will get it together enough to be parents to him?

I'm sorry you're going through this. My son went three months without talking to us when he was in rtc. His therapist stunk and let him run the show. Fortunately we got a no nonsense, do your treatment therapist who was an expert in attachment therapy. She stopped letting my ds pull his crap and did all the coersion (I don't know any other word for it, but it wasn't a negative coersion). We were finally able to RU as a family.

Your son needs someone to lay it on the line that yes, he has a choice not to work on things, but if that's his choice, he's going to be alone and sick for the rest of his life. At least until he seeks out help.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))Only those whom we love can hurt us so badly.

[zebramom]

Thank you everyone! I'm feeling a bit better today, although somewhat worried about what social workers are going to say. I think I'm going to have DH write an e-mail to the workers to discuss what happened because I am to raw to handle this.

Lovemy6 - he thinks he's going to see his birth parents are going to see him again and that's going to make them get clean and sober. He has even said, and these are HIS EXACT words, "It's going to be a life changing event." He will run to them as soon as he turns 18 and will be burned horribly, at which point he will run back to us, until we hold him accountable, and then he'll run who knows where.

We have been allowing him to have contact with his birth grandmother. They write back and forth but all letters go through the foster care social worker. He asked for information on his birth father and grandmother replied with where he works, where he lives, and way too many details so the social worker called me. I informed her that it's a closed adoption and that no contact is allowed until he's 18. Well, grandma then sends a letter saying that she would like to tell him about his birth father but that I said no. So now it's my fault that he can't have contact with his birth parents. He said all this at the team meeting and not a single person defended me.

[mommytoEli]

i'm sorry. (((hugs)))