[HappyHopefulMommy]

I need some advice, please!! Michael, my (almost 8 year old), has been having extremely "poor" behavior at school. We have had him for 15 months and finalized in March. We moved this summer and he has been regressing some since the move. When we first were placed with him he was literally running out of the classroom and yelling at his teacher. We had a ton of progress with that teacher. But he still struggled some with behavior all through the school year. Lying, not doing homework, calling luch ladies "stupid". . ., but it was improving. So, we move and he starts school. I am glad his new teacher is pretty strict, I think he needs that. We have explained our situation to the teacher and she is very supportive and knows he may challenge her. So, she has to leave for 1 1/2 weeks and they have a substitute. I am literally running through the Vegas airport to catch a connecting flight when I get a phone call from the school. It is Michael's teacher. She is just back from her 1 1/2 weeks out and has a note from the sub saying my son was by far the worse behaved child ever. He was pushing kids, kicking kids, running down the hallway, crawling under the tables, back talking, not doing his school work. I was so embarrassed and so sad. I know he does not do well with change and he has no realtionship with that sub, so he did not care. But he has never (that I know of) phsically kicked, pushed other kids. (we have always had homework/school work issues). The teacher said she was sending home some extra assignments over the weekend and he would miss recesses for a while. ( I totally support whatever she wants to do for consequences at school). But since I am gone for the weekend, my husband is home and Michael did not bring home the extra assignments. On Tuesday the teacher emails me saying he hasn't tunred them in. Michael lies and says he does not know where they are. My hsuband threatens to go to his classroom and look for them when he admits they are in his desk. He finally brought them home and is now refusing to do them. And he is still lying about pushing and kicking other students. This behavior is new to me and I don't know what to do. When he refuses to do homework, he does extra house chores until he is ready to do it. But even at that, he has completed about 30% of the assignment. I guess this weekend won't be too fun for him, but what do I do about him physically hurting other students? Any advice? Oh - Michael is one of our 5 kids, all under 10. So I can not give him undivided attention, escpecially with other kids with behavior/attachement issues!

[mommytoEli]

it honestly sounds like the school is putting ALL the consequences off on you. missing a few recesses isn't going to make him start doing his work or stop bullying kids. they need to do something else other than call you or he will not learn that when he is at school, he has to follow the rules of the school.

if you can not get the school on board to control him at school, other than calling you to take care of it at home, ask to have a meeting to qualify him for a 504. this is a special education plan for "other health impairments" that impede functioning and learning at school. it would be a legal contract between you and the school about what all sides will do to ensure he is getting his assignments done, and getting the help and assistance he obviously needs at school (in your case- this would be assistance in controlling himself, writing down and remembering assignments, completing assignments possibly by shortening or adjusting them, and keeping his behavior in check.) . when we got our dd's 504, the BIGGEST help was we wrote in the plan that she got to have an extra set of books at home, this way, there was no more "forgetting" what she needed to get assignments done.

[AmyAnne]

When my son refused to do homework we explained that was fine with us. However, the people who did not finish school had to get a job to make money. So if he didn't want to do school, we should make sure he was in good practice for his job. At different times he practiced being a landscaper (raking the yard and weeding), a vet technician (cleaning litterboxes, making cat food, and cleaning the rabbit and bird cages), construction work (digging a trench in the backyard) and custodial care (vacuuming, dusting etc).

Refusal to do schoolwork resulted in us saying "Oh, okay. You're choosing to go practice for another job? No problem". And we would make him commit to that for 15 minutes. It was usually met by a tearful "Can I please do my homework now?" at the end of the 15 mins.

[kretzklan]

Tell the teacher that you can't take complete responsibility for the extra work...if he's missing recess anyway, he should do that work during recess. As many recesses as it takes...

[AmyAnne]

Also, keep in mind this is a control thing. He's got the teacher upset. He's got you and your DH upset. He has made the homework YOUR problem.

[lucyjoy]

Tell the teacher he can work on the extra work during his recess time.

Also, it's likely he is reacting this way cause his teacher left, his mom left(sometimes kids see mom gone on a trip the same as her being gone, gone) and he's moved. Huge stress for an 8 year old with a trauma/neglect background.

[saranbr]

Sounds like my house last year only W was five, but very similar problems. First things first: the school is going to have to step up here and enforce consequences. If Michael is anything like mine, consequencing at home (for anything other than not doing homework that he should be doing at home in your presence) is going to be useless. It is like trying to discipline the dog for pooping on the carpet three hours after it happened-- pointless and a waste of your time. If he can't function with normal interventions from the teacher then he needs an IEP or 504 (think that's what it's called, but I'm not an expert on all the options) where he gets extra intervention for behavior. Mine blew through all the lower level interventions and was placed in a self-contained program which is what worked for him and he's now, a yr later, transitioning out. The regular ed "consequences" were a joke and their interventions even more laughable. He had to get to a place that he was contained for thrashing the place or being aggressive with others and not allowed to participate if he wasn't going to cooperate with learning (I was told by his reg ed teacher that missing recess if he messed up on the playground would "hurt his self-esteem"-- whatever, it only took one offense out there, missed recess and he hasn't done it again for the behavior teacher).

The other thing you are going to need to do, which is easier said than done, is emotionally remove yourself from the situation. Currently he has won: you are angry/sad, your husband is probably angry, the teacher is upset and you're responsible for his behavior and homework which you cannot do anything about when you aren't present at school. He has achieved control. As hard as it is, being a normal parent and caring about how your kid is acting, you need to give that up while he is at school and let them be responsible. It is VERY hard initially to not be mortified when you get the calls, but he will lose that control over you and you will be a happier person if you can step back and realize that Michael's issues are not your issues and you have done nothing to give him those issues, his past has. Best wishes...

[aspenhall]

My dd went through this in 1st grade. After a horrible submissive teacher with no boundaries. I finally spent a solid week in class sitting next to her, monitoring/enforcing good behavior. Then she came home and did all my chores that I couldn't do because I had been in school doing HER job (of self control). The first day was fun and a novelty, by day 2 she figured I was serious and was dying of embarrassment. By day 3 she was pleading with me not to come in. I told her I wasn't convinced yet that she could do the job herself...And I came day 4 and day 5....And for 2-3 weeks after that I would show up at random times and watch her without her knowing it. When she started to act up, I'd walk in, and tell her what to do or not do. Then stick around for a while. Or I'd wait and nothing would happen, so I'd be sure she saw me watching her.

Then she got a strict teacher and we've never really had any behavior problems since. She'll have a bad (ODD Bad) day once a year, but thats it. It only took a week of fully committing to being next to her every second. It was hard to do. But it worked and was worth it...AND I was able to add one more "tool" to my box of things I could threaten her with, because she knows I'll follow through with that one now. I only have to get extreme about something once, and then I can just remind her of it and it works. She also doesn't get "second chances" from me. She's old enough to know better. I don't eve warn her...it's instant consequence.