[Barksum]

I was going to ask if I was normal, but thought that would open me up to way too many interesting responses.

So here's the deal:
When we were first adopting it didn't bother me much when people made comments about the kids' 'real moms' and such. I would usually respond and mention that "their birth mother" this or "their birth parents" that. Most of our close friends and family picked up on the terminology we used and use the same terms now. One relative doesn't, and consistently talks about 'real parents'. Things like making comments about 'you must be adopted because you're too different/weird/whatever to be part of the family', or saying that someone was an 'adopted' mom or sister because you are so close, etc. didn't bother me, either.

But now, several years into this whole adoptive parent business, I find myself becoming much more sensitive to comments that are denigrating to adoptive parents in general, and sometimes to me in particular. Is this within the realm of 'normal'?? Am I hormonal? Or losing my mind? (or BOTH?!) LOL Was I too busy with other immediate issues when we first adopted to notice the sting and am just now catching up, or what? Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

[momraine]

I don't know, but I notice more as I am getting older too. I think that at first we were just happy to have the kids and after a while having to educate people gets old. Of course we joke in our family that we know that our daughter is adopted because she loves healthy food and not junk food. But that's an in family joke, we don't say it in front of other people.

[lucyjoy]

Yes, it is normal. You, however, are much too fun to be normal....

[mypov]

I'm with you. I find myself getting downright irritated at times. Especially when my kids are around- I mean, people should think before they speak! The "educating others" thing got tiresome and to feel minimized as a family in that way- well it gets harder to be patient with!!!

Meanwhile tonight my 9 year old was telling my 4 year old abtr their first parents. I love listening in to conversations like that because it really shows me where they are in their understanding. Anyway my daughter goes, "but then our REAL parents came and took care of us and we will be with mom and dad forever!" Its sweet- but I worry for the first time someone will call her bios her "real" parents and how that will be a bit of an eye opener to how some people in the world thing of adoptive families. I think especially with her, it will be traumatic to her.

What I really think we in the adoption world should do is advocate for appropriate terminology in the media- I hear things all the time on tv that irritate me and make others think its ok to talk like that abt birth parents, adoption plans and adoptive families and persons. Meanwhile, how I respond to others is really based my current mood and if my kids are with me! So watch out world

[aMarylandfamily]

... is the obituaries when they identified ... survived by daughter "*" and adopted daughter"*" ... duh still daughters - but that's my pet peeve.

I think the reason we become more sensitive as enough time has passed since they joined our world and we have picked up the pieces, wiped the tears and held them tight that we are now for real their "real parents" and hearing "adopted" makes us think - I don't think so - they are ours (hoping that makes sense) and even when they don't think its their forutne (those wonderful pre and teen years) - we are theirs!

And I would never ask if I was normal - I would hear the mountains laughing!

[greenrobin]

Originally Posted by aMarylandfamily

... is the obituaries when they identified ... survived by daughter "*" and adopted daughter"*" ... duh still daughters

That one bugs me too, but for a different reason.

I am the one who wrote my mom's obituary. I got to call anybody whatever I wanted to. It's a form that we filled out at the funeral home.

So who's calling who what?

And often, when I look at those kinds of obits, I think, (perhaps naively), "Oh look! They consider her a part of the family!" while assuming they mean to include one of their children's lifelong, close friends in the family.

But maybe that's just a local thing we do around here...

All perspectives change when adoption happens, I guess.

Mine included.

And no, you are not normal. But you have lots of company!

[Lorraine123]

You are just hormonal....

No really, I do think it bothers me more as time has past. I have proven myself as the REAL mom. I have been through he!! and back with this child and it was REAL.

[crick]

Maybe it's because I spend so much time here and am constantly surrounded by adoption verbiage, but I get less sensitive as the kids get older. (I don't get older...the KIDS do!)

I still correct here and there with people, but in general it's not bothersome to me anymore. IF I had someone who consistently went out of their way to NOT remember correct terms or whatever, THAT would bother me a ton!

I think for me anyway, when the kids first came I felt like I had a lot to prove. Prove that I was indeed mom and was constantly trying to do that. So when people would say things like that, I was very defensive about it. Now I don't feel like I have anything to prove, kwim? I'm Mom and that's that and anyone else can chew on my stick.

So all this is to say...Everyone else seems to be normal and I'm not.

Uh oh.

[mommytoEli]

i think it bugs more over time bc i've heard it so much by now. before.... it was new, and i was more understanding. that being said, i've also come to realize how much people not in the "adoption world" don't know. so as much as i'm bugged more, i actually SAY less.

[athikers]

This is tangential I guess... but about the obituary thing... I am on one side, my hubby is on the other. I just want to put son and daughter. Hubby wants to put adopted son and adopted daughter, not because he wants to rub it in their faces, but because he thinks its special that they came to us that way, kwim? So, that may be the thinking of folks that put "adopted" before their child's name in an obit. Not that either of us plans on dying anytime soon... but if we did we would want our families to know how we want it worded.

As for the "real" children comment. I smile and say "They look fake to you?"