[Indy]

Well, tonight I took V to his court ordered drug/alcohol assessment. The counselor was good. She had seen V last year, so was familiar with the family dynamics. She interviewed both of us for over an hour and a half.

She determined he was a "level 2" and will receive 24 hours of classes. She also told me, in front of V, that I needed to look into a co-dependency program. I went out to the web and saw myself.

Now what?

[tybeemarie]

Indy,

I think codependency is an occupational hazard of special needs parenting. It can be hard to offer unconditional love and not rescue our kids from some of their worst choices. Because we love them unconditionally, it hurts to watch them ruin their lives. It feels less painful to soften the blow, as it were. Of course, our kids are pretty determined to self-destruct, so these efforts end in failure and frustration and disillusionment.

I looked up codependency on the web after reading your post. I didn't recognize myself in the list of patterns until it came to these controlling patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now, I don't do this with anyone but my kids, but this list shows how ineffective deviating from Love and Logic parenting is. Do I believe my oldest daughter is incapable of taking care of herself? Well, no. Would she do it well? No, not at all. But she would do it. I should live in that truth and let go.

Here's the sign of my craziness: do I attempt to convince her of what she should think and how she should truly feel? Gulp--I've done that one. HOW CRAZY! Her thinking, is, in fact, crazy and disordered, but it is her thinking, and you feel how you feel.

Do I become resentful when she won't let me help her? More like sad. More like, what else is new? Such a sign of RAD! SIGH!

Do I freely offer advice and provide suggestions when not asked? GUILTY! I know better. I've gone to Love and Logic trainings, I KNOW better. And yet, when under stress, I talk. It's the lawyer in me. I feel like, if I craft the right argument, if I show her how inexorable my logic is, she HAS to agree, and then change. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I am actually crazier than she is in entertaining this notion. I've been writing to her in a journal she gave me for us to share our thoughts and feelings, and she can take stuff in that way, so I am a bit better on this score than I was.

So, all in all, I do okay, but these questions are very good ones for us to ask ourselves as SNPTF parents. I think that's what's next, Indy. We've got to ask these probing questions. We have to hold the line on how worked up we get over our kids' crazy, crazy decisions. Easier said than done. I know with my oldest the worst is yet to come, and already, I find it very challenging not to get on her roller coaster.

It just really bites the big one that we cannot save them from themselves. I wish we could. We cannot. Only they can decide they want to be saved, and then, they have to turn to a Higher Power. I write this knowing I will have to be reminded of this many times as my oldest goes through high school. Assuming she does that, and doesn't get herself kicked out.

I've always thought Al-Anon would be a great resource for foster adoptive parents. It is such a huge task to understand that we cannot save them. We can only provide the right environment, one with lots of love and calm boundaries, so that healing is possible.

I am listening to Raising Teens with Love and Logic again to remind myself of what I need to be doing.

I think posting here is good. We let each other know when we're doing too much. And we all understand--we've all done too much, worried too much, got on the crazy train with them. It's hard. I am sorry your son is making bone head decisions.

The silver lining in all of this is, think of the spiritual growth! I was in my faith-sharing group last night, and we were going over the story of Jesus and the rich man, the eye of the needle and all that. And we decided it's not just about divesting yourself of wealth, it could be anything, it could be booze, it could be sex, it could be too much self-regard. We decided the message was that you have to go big, take risks, and in that way learn you have to rely on God. Some in the group wondered if they were risking enough, if they understood their dependency enough. Well, with this kind of life, I think we're pretty good on those two points! Am I stretching myself? Oh, yes! Do I understand my human efforts are inadequate? And how! I have also learned a lot about myself that is not flattering and that is in need of correction. Very humbling.

So, you had a humbling encounter today and learned about your human fraility. Welcome to the club, buddy. We're all in this together.

[aMarylandfamily]

... thinking of you Indy as co-dependent as you always seem like the leading force behind all - leading! ... or Tybee's write-up as I saw myself in much of it and I too have to remember to keep things in line and to let my child (especially the ds still at home with us who has alot of growing up to occur between now and Feb when he turns 18 and will be ruling his own world) to make his own mistakes and force him to correct them ... and I do get disappointed when I can't or he won't let me help as I have so much to offer and it is the right stuff but I cannot do it for him (hoping that makes sense). One day at a time I guess and trying to do your best and be the best at what is right and getting right back on the horse when things don't happen as they could or should ...

Glad to know I am not alone - thanks both for writing and I look to hear and learn more from others who also find them doing this.

[Barksum]

Hm. I have my fingers in my ears and am humming loudly...CAN'T HEAR YOU...LAAAA LAAA LAAA LAAA.....

I'm tired of finding out what I'm doing that isn't right and trying to correcct it. I know, I know, it's good to hear, especially as I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to 'fix' all my kids, all day, every day, all the time..... Now what to do with the kid who doesn't know how to think, or ask questions, or respond without prompts and suggestions?!