[mommytoEli]

i've seen many posts lately about RAD kids, and i thought it might be beneficial to post some realities that RAD parents here are living with. i think it is also therapeutic for us.

a few of my realities:

that i feel crazy every day of my life.

that every time i correct her i wonder how she will spin it to make herself look like a victim.

that most likely this will not be a child that comes home for christmas or allows my grandkids to visit.

that when she seems overly compliant or happy i know that she is most likely getting away with something.

that i end up making up crazy rules to try to keep my family in order. and then have to keep track of 4 dozen crazy rules. and whenever i make a crazy rule, like you can't pee with the door open, i have to think up the dozen or so loopholes i've just created in making the rule.

that when i ask her to do something, i can most certainly bet she will do the opposite.




what about you? what are some of your daily realities in raising your child with RAD?

[momraine]

Here are my realities.

I always have to hide my purse and keep it out of his reach, or stuff (mostly money) will dissapear.

I have to search my son's room frequently for stolen items. I also remove broken toys.

I always worry about what my son is telling other adults.

Adults are always telling me how wonderful and sweet my son is. However, he has trouble with friends. He has been invited to one birthday party in three years.

My son lies more often than he tells the truth. That is just a fact that my entire family lives with.

[mommytoEli]

omg...i second all of those as well!

[AmyAnne]

We will NEVER be a "Normal" family. I may think we will sometimes, but we will not.

[kretzklan]

Oh my...I'm sure I'll never think of a comprehensive list...there are just too many. Here are the ones that spring to mind.
*I have to assume that every word is a lie and wait to have proof of truth
*I look crazy to everyone else because they totally make themselves look like angels and me look like a devil
*I can't leave my DD alone for more than 5 minutes without her 'injuring' herself..."accidentally" of course
*Then I have to be prepared for the stories she will tell about where these cuts, scrapes, bruises and swellings came from - and it's always me
*If I give directions - it will get done almost perfectly except one little thing...like one tile on the floor won't get cleaned - no matter what...they will not, can not clean it...it means they lose and I win
*That I have to win if I take on a battle. And that often times, that will nearly kill me.
*That time is something they don't get. Saying I'll be there in 10 minutes means that they'll ask every 30 seconds when I'm coming...but turn that around and they have no ability to be anywhere in any amount of time
*That I have to abandon hopes and dreams that I never thought I could abandon - and I'm still struggling.

[sassafras]

The diagnosis came too late I worry every day that we are out of time..

I am still grieving for the child I thought she would be....the child I wanted.

My home is like a fortrss everything is locked up.

Often times I do not like my child and don't want to be around her.

I am exhausted every day.

I feel like the worst parent in the world.

I anguish in guilt over things I have said to my child in a moment of rage, things my child wants me to say....I lost the battle.

My family can't ever be a "normal" family and I am sad for my other kids.'

I am not a good mom or husband to the rest of my family because she takes all my energy.

I can't for the day she is 18 and can leave.

She will probably be homeless or in jail by the time she is 23.

I hate myself and her.

[mommytoEli]

in a sick way, reading these makes me feel better....like i'm not the only one.

My family can't ever be a "normal" family and I am sad for my other kids.'

sometimes i put the little ones in their room so they can have some peace, and close the door, and just whisper, "sorry." i am sad for them for all the chaos they have to see and hear.

*That I have to abandon hopes and dreams that I never thought I could abandon - and I'm still struggling.

i completely hear you on this.

[lovemy6]

Please don't ever give up hope!

My four youngest kids all had RAD when they were placed with us. After MANY long years of struggling with attachment and going through attachment therapy with 3 wonderful therapists, they are all fully attached. It's never too late! My kids were 5, 7, 15, and 16 when we went through AT.

My oldest non-bio dd had RAD and wasn't with us long enough to heal. She returned to us at 18 and most likely has Borderline PD. But we are working on building a relationship that's as genuine as she's able to give. I do love her and hope the best for her.

As long as there is life, there is hope. Let your kids see and hear that you have hope for them to accept the love you have for them. I know how hard it is sometimes. There were MANY times that I wanted to give up on one kid or the other. I'm so glad I didn't.

I pray every night for all the kids, foster and adopted, who are suffering due to the abuse afflicted onto them. Our kids don't want to suffer. Their attaching feels like they're going to die. And sometimes to us, as their parents, it feels like they're going to be the death for us. But we're stronger than we look and we will get through this!

There IS life after RAD!

[jeffw]

<> Guests are confused by the fact that the pantry door has a lock on it. Pantry and office remain locked at all times.
<> Burglar alarm is installed on interior doors.
<> DVR surveillance system helps us track down stolen items and determine truth during those rare moments when we aren't directly watching. He knows its there but doesn't know it records.
<> We are so used to the antics that we have become unembarassable in public.

[drumteagan]

Mine is just four so I know she has hope but I can understand and relate to some of these posts.

"<> We are so used to the antics that we have become unembarassable in public."

Was the closest to home I guess.

She is great with me but when she goes to other people (therapists, teachers, baby sitters grandparents etc) she lies the entire time (crazy lies) she destroys things she controls everything.

She is so fixed on controling everything she is missing out on learning things for her age.

It is a CONSTANT battle. Even when she is sleeping she is talking and dreaming about controling.

I am happy she is at school so I can have a break but I am worried about what she is doing to her teachers.

I never feel like I have a moment of peace.

[DianeS]

I don't live with a child who has RAD, I just do respite for one. But even so the manipulation and triangulation drive me crazy. Having to stay two steps ahead of her is exhausting. (She's figured out I'm on her parents' side, so I don't get the charm, I get the same attitude and behaviors her parents do.)

When she comes out of her house without her water bottle, do I let her go without water because she needs to learn cause and effect? Or do I send her back to get it because she needs to not be able to control what we do next by claiming thirst?

Which will benefit her most? Which is least likely to have the police called on me? If those are opposites, which do I choose? Did she "forget" the water bottle on purpose because she has something malicious planned? How do I figure out what that is and adjust for it?

That may sound tiny, but it's repeated over and over and over a hundred times a day. I may only have her for four hours, but I know not to plan anything else the rest of the day because I will be exhausted.

I guess that's my reality of spending just a few hours with a child who has RAD - exhaustion.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by DianeS

When she comes out of her house without her water bottle, do I let her go without water because she needs to learn cause and effect? Or do I send her back to get it because she needs to not be able to control what we do next by claiming thirst?

Which will benefit her most? Which is least likely to have the police called on me? If those are opposites, which do I choose? Did she "forget" the water bottle on purpose because she has something malicious planned? How do I figure out what that is and adjust for it?

omg....i am sorry. i was just talking to my friend today about this and was saying so many of the things she does are typical behaviors....but then multiplied. like she doesn't just fake forget stuff once a day(same thing- was it purposeful, is it real, why'd she forget, is she hiding something or just being controlling. blah!), but ten times a day, while lying, manipulating, hoarding, stealing, and being hurtful. lol. it is exhausting. BLESS YOU for being a respite provider. i am sure the child's parents appreciate you deeply!!!!!!

[saranbr]

I hate good days. One good afternoon = at least one week of he**.

Everyone on the outside thinks he's the cutest, sweetest, most charming child on the planet. In actuality...that's the front end of manipulation and triangulation.

If he does just what I ask, he has failed which means constant attention by me or he wins again and God knows, that's a set up for more.

Will we ever have a normal family meal with normal conversation?? So far not if he's at the table.

I wish we could have a happy, "innocent" family...just once in awhile.

I won't be sad when he turns 18...and he'll be thrilled to leave.

I feel like a rotten mother daily. Working on accepting it...

[aspenhall]

My dd's nightmares are still about control. She's fighting the RAD, and truly is attached now thanks to everyone here and their posts.

The figuring out whys are killing me, because she is getting better, so then is it a RAD thing or is it a "feeling grown up and want control" thing?? And should I fight it? She still feels in charge of us. Like her nightmares are about us being hurt somehow and her not being able to save us.

[lucky_13]

First, thank you to all of you that share. I am new to forums and new to parenting a RADling. Our 10 yr old DD was placed with us 3 LONG months ago...I say LONG because in 3 months I can already empathize with almost all of the behaviors you are talking about in this post.

Which brings me to my first question...how did you hang in there thru the "trial" period and then know in your heart finalizing adoption was the right decision?

I feel awful that after 3 months I am venting and most of you have stuck it out for YEARS. State will be pushing us to finalize in the next few months. DH and I are not feeling comfortable with it. We're not ready to give up, but we're definitely uneasy about the future.

We have an AWESOME attachment therapist that's been helping children with RAD for almost 30 years. She is not convinced that DD is ready for a "normal" family. She's told us that DD might be one of the kids that needs the more restrictive environment of a group home/RTC. Our therapist has warned us that her anger/raging is a deep pathology that will follow her thru the rest of her life. She's told us to retain a good lawyer because we'll probably be dealing with the criminal justice system regularly (FYI, police have been called on her in public 3 times in 3 months she's lived with us. Not by us, but others who feared for their safety). She's told us to prepare to raise grandchildren if we don't consider sterilization or some other preventative measures...all pretty scary stuff. All of it overwhelming when I consider we're talking about a 10 yr old.

Obviously, this is discouraging to us as well so I wanted to get your opinions...do you think some children just can't ever function in a family and RTC is their only hope?

It sounds like you have the experience so I am curious for your opinions...positive or negative, just looking for honesty.