[momraine]

Keep talking, it helps so much to let it out! it may be that he needs to be in a home with no pets or younger children.

[mommytoEli]

there have been days i have been more nervous than others. days i have slept with my other kids behind a locked door with a phone and a bat. but when it comes down to it, she has ever only threatened to hurt herself to that degree. she has hurt kids in our house, again, never to that degree. i do not know what i would do if she did. or if she threatened to. i imagine she would not be here one more day. i imagine i would do whatever i needed to do to make sure everyone was safe. rtc, a family member with no kids, disruption. i would do it.

i don't think you sound horrible, i think you sound exhausted and frustrated and unsure of what to do.

i am glad that you have found someplace to talk. i think we all need that. i think it is important that we support eachother. bottling it up nearly cost me my job, it caused me to gain 50 pounds, it made me unhappy in my own home. it did not make me a better mom.

[kretzklan]

Keep talking. So many of us get it. Ask for help. I'm sorry your mother doesn't understand, but get in contact with your local office and ask for names of respite providers that work with these type of kids. Take a few days to re-adjust and figure out what's best for you, him and the rest of the family. I have a child that 'shops' for a new mom all the time...still - at 10 years old. It's painful to see and hear...
And, weight gain - AMEN!

[kburch]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i NEED to see that what happens in my home, is "normal" for a home with a RAD child. ... when i can step back and not take every attack of hers as personal, i believe it makes me a better mom who can parent a RAD child another day.

So, so true! Even this last week, something happened that I never, ever expected. My mom came to stay with us over my boys' fall break, since DH and I didn't have break. She never spent hours at a time with the boys without us around before. By the end of the week, she told me that she never realized how I could be so frustrated and angry before, but now she does! They didn't even have to *do* anything - their very attitude and presence alone were so draining that she had to go spend time in her room by herself to recover. And she loves them and was looking forward to spending time with them, and even insisted on telling us how many positive changes she has seen in them even recently. And this is after they've been with us for five years and have gotten a TON better! Yet they could still suck the very life out of human being in a matter of days. And somehow I'm supposed to be "gung-ho do-whatever-it-takes mom" after five years of life draining?!

Forget the fact that most of the people posting here would be THRILLED to only have to deal with my kids' behaviors and issues. I don't fear for my safety, I don't know the police on a first-name basis, I don't have constant calls from school. I even get positives from my kids in thoughtful words and deeds more often than I would expect. And I still struggle on an almost daily basis with being overwhelmed by parenting my kids.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by soultea

Sorry I am rambling but this is really the first time this is all coming out, I have had it bottled up for a year and half.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

I'm sitting here crying. I was where you are with a 3 year old and 5 year old. My dh wanted to finalize and I was scared to death. He didn't get it. He didn't get any of their sh**. Literally. They were only horrors when he was at work. Dd could be standing there screaming at me, threatening me, red in the face and dh would pull up in the driveway and she'd have a smile on her face and light in her eyes. Only once he started going to therapy with me, and the kids would have their "spells" would he see what I had been seeing all along. Once it was all out, the kids never kept it in around him again. They then hated him as much as they hated me.

Fortunatly, we found an awesome therapist who was able to help us heal our kids. There were MANY times when I wanted to disrupt them, bc I had no hope of them healing. It was truly a miracle that they were able to. No one can imagine a child SO young, being SO damaging to the family...unless they've lived it. I have and I am SO sorry that you are too

[chickymum]

It is not just behaviours. Its all about the exhaustion of raising a special needs kid that does not look special needs. The special needs are just not aparent to the untrained eye.

Here is another reality that is draining me because I don't know how to get around it:

I have kids in my home of all ages. Each child is more or less on a level that corresponds with their age...except DD.
She is 9. Mentally she is, I would say 4. Her common sense is that of a 4 year old, her intelligence is maybe 6 if lucky. HOWEVER....DD thinks she can do, say and act as an adult. She honestly thinks that she has an ability equal to or more acuratly, GREATER than me. This is dangerous. She thinks that she can make chioces without consulting me. Her level of good choice making is that of a 4 year old and even then, a 4 year old would come to me or be too scared to do what she wants to do. its bad enough that a child thinks they are an adult but an extremely low functioning child at that. I cannot watch her like she is 4. I am tired.

This is the best tread ever.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by chickymum

It is not just behaviours. Its all about the exhaustion of raising a special needs kid that does not look special needs. The special needs are just not aparent to the untrained eye.

Here is another reality that is draining me because I don't know how to get around it:

I have kids in my home of all ages. Each child is more or less on a level that corresponds with their age...except DD.
She is 9. Mentally she is, I would say 4. Her common sense is that of a 4 year old, her intelligence is maybe 6 if lucky. HOWEVER....DD thinks she can do, say and act as an adult. She honestly thinks that she has an ability equal to or more acuratly, GREATER than me. This is dangerous. She thinks that she can make chioces without consulting me. Her level of good choice making is that of a 4 year old and even then, a 4 year old would come to me or be too scared to do what she wants to do. its bad enough that a child thinks they are an adult but an extremely low functioning child at that. I cannot watch her like she is 4. I am tired.

This is the best tread ever.

my dd is the same way, but she is almost 15, thinks she's an adult, and makes decisions like she is 3. oddly enough, this is the age where she had the greatest amount of trauma. i think she just got "stuck" there. but now i have an actual 3 year old, they act the same, they do the same things, manipulate me the same way, pout the same, control the same. and for my 3 year old...it is age appropriate.

i also love this thread. i was talking to my dh about it last night, and we had the same conversation about RAD being like a "hidden" disability. not only does no one "see" it....but instead they see this most charming adorable girl, totally the opposite of what she is. i told my dh that the difference between raising her, and a child with an obvious disability is support. i *feel* like if people SAW she had a disability, they'd support me in parenting her, instead of constantly judging the way i parent her. and i think if i felt more supported, it would be an easier job for me. maybe i'm wrong, i don't parent an obviously disabled child, but i still feel like it is different.

maybe "momraine" can weigh in on this one. do you feel like the support you get for your child's obvious special needs is different from the support you get from the not so obvious to everyone else special needs?

[sistomany18]

Originally Posted by chickymum

It is not just behaviours. Its all about the exhaustion of raising a special needs kid that does not look special needs. The special needs are just not aparent to the untrained eye.

Here is another reality that is draining me because I don't know how to get around it:

I have kids in my home of all ages. Each child is more or less on a level that corresponds with their age...except DD.
She is 9. Mentally she is, I would say 4. Her common sense is that of a 4 year old, her intelligence is maybe 6 if lucky. HOWEVER....DD thinks she can do, say and act as an adult. She honestly thinks that she has an ability equal to or more acuratly, GREATER than me. This is dangerous. She thinks that she can make chioces without consulting me. Her level of good choice making is that of a 4 year old and even then, a 4 year old would come to me or be too scared to do what she wants to do. its bad enough that a child thinks they are an adult but an extremely low functioning child at that. I cannot watch her like she is 4. I am tired.

This is the best tread ever.

I know exactly what you mean it's absolute hell to have to explain to outsiders or relatives that your child isn't the sweet little angel she appears to be. Our kids are great actors and are great at pulling off the poor pitiful me look in front of strangers or relatives to get sympathy or get asked what is wrong even when nothing is. I swear to these kids its like one big game to them to see how well they can manipulate and control people and family members by any and all means possible.

[kretzklan]

I just want to say that there are nights when I count how many times I'm lied to...it's a sick little game I play. Mostly to help me realize I'm not crazy - they lie A LOT. So, getting home at 4:20...DD lied to 16 times...and was sent to bed at 8:45. That's like 4 lies each hour...and some of these were big ones. DS2 lied to me 6 times in 5 hours...a little better. DH doesn't always see this stuff. Last night, DS2 was in 'cuddle time' - the required 15 minutes before bed to sit with us and chat or hug or honestly, just sit and quiet your mind. Well...he kept kicking the dog - over and over...not really mean...but kicking none the less. Then he would pretend he dropped his book and get down on the floor and put his head RIGHT BY the dog's private area. Over and over...this went on the whole 15 minutes. At that point I was tired and so was DH. So, at bedtime I say time for kisses and hugs and he goes to the dog first. I say "I think you've already 'hugged' him enough - let's go" and he looks right at me and says "I never touched the dog until now". OMG. DH nearly fell out of his chair. So blatant...so crazy. What does he think - we had temporary blindness just because we didn't say anything???

[Lorraine123]

I read somewhere that the test of whether a child has RAD is this:

Give the child a compliment on how respectful they are to everyone.

If the mom reacts with anger and defensiveness, Yep, its RAD.

If the mom says thank you, and genuinely means it, Nope, not RAD.

It is so true. I get upset whenever someone comliments my daughter on her behavior. But when someone compliments my son, I am very proud.

[crick]

I hadn't ever thought of it that way Lorraine, but it makes perfect sense that parents would react that way.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I read somewhere that the test of whether a child has RAD is this:

Give the child a compliment on how respectful they are to everyone.

If the mom reacts with anger and defensiveness, Yep, its RAD.

If the mom says thank you, and genuinely means it, Nope, not RAD.

It is so true. I get upset whenever someone comliments my daughter on her behavior. But when someone compliments my son, I am very proud.

SoOoOoOo true!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lylam]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. It's been an unusually tough couple of weeks at our house and it helps to know there are other people that understand. Some days I really do feel as though I have lost my mind. The guilt can be overwhelming and I'm learning to keep it in check.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. I needed it

[soultea]

Yesterday was very trying for me, S was naughty all day, little things. Last night I finally lost it, started to cry, had to put my baby in the crib so I could compose myself. S's older brothers came to side to provide me with comfort and S walked up to me and said "you crying?" I said yes and then he said oooohhhh socks, can I have some candy??? The only time he is affectionate is when he wants something.

Everytime we are out in public, S is soo cute everyone has to stop and tell him what a wonderful little boy he is and sweet he is. I try to hold back from throwing up in my mouth and usually just smile and move on. Then I have to hear about it all day, remember that lady at the store said I was sooooo good. Then he hits the dog, poops in the trash can and clogs the sink for the millionth time that day.

If I ever hear "he is such a perfect angel" again I might have to scream!

My mom is always asking why he never throws up when she has him? She had him and his brothers for three weeks after I had my csection, well the therapist said today because he was in control at her house. She gave into his every whim. You want chicken nuggets again today, OK let's get you some.

[legal]

"For the thousanth (it feels like) time... I was offering the perspective of the CHILD. I'm truly truly truly sorry that that perspective was neither welcomed nor warranted"

peregrenrose
I have not been able to figure out if you are saying you were a attachment challenged adoptee or not (due to the deletes,edits ect..) but if you are, can you talk about this to us fellow adult adoptees on our adoptee support forum please? I know a male adoptee who jokes that he is a RAD due to having the symptoms described here, but does not believe in the DX or atleast it's (alleged) causes and also many of the treatments ect.... From this thread, I can't tell, but would love to hear YOUR thoughts on the adoptee forum;~)) That way we can chat as adult adoptees and let these mothers and fathers here rant/vent. ;~))