[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

So, my vent is that people expect us to never think about ourselves, never feel hurt, never express our pain and to excuse all our kids do because they were abused

i am a failure if i disrupt. a failure if i allow myself to feel pain when she hurts me. a failure if i can't keep her in line. a failure if i try too hard to keep her in line. i am angry all of the time that i feel blamed by both my child and the general population when i did not cause what my child does or has or what happened to them. and the only acknowledgement i get for dealing with it is that i chose it.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

I want to make sure I came across as I meant to.. I DO LOVE hearing what you have to say - it gives my children a voice of some kind that I can't always get in therapy and certainly don't get in daily life. It gives me hope. I just want to protect the rights of the RAD parents to vent and laugh and tease and share...we need it. The isolation of raising RAD kids can sometimes be the worst part. So, I know that no one here is trying to hurt you...but I can see why it might. Just know that we need this the same as our children need us to be sane...this helps!

Please don't misunderstand me... my intent was never to say parents shouldn't vent... everybody needs to vent. Some parents on here (not all, not even most) seem to truly have lost all hope, a couple despise their own kids. There are lots of people venting, and I haven't seen anyone that has walked both sides of this fence. I thought it might be helpful to some to hear an adult who's been there be able to voice the things that a kid (I include teens as 'kid' here) dosen't have the emotional experience to say.

If you find it irritating, don't read what I have to say. I never presumed that everyone wants to read my words or hear my perspective. That's why my first paragraph stated quite clearly that if the kids' perspective isn't wanted or warrented, to not continue reading.

I posted in the hopes that some would find my experience helpful. Clearly that was not the case.

[kretzklan]

No one said they didn't want to hear what you have to say - they simply said it's a two way street. I believe I told you I love what you have to say. Ok.

[jeffw]

Originally Posted by peregrinerose

...having children was your choice, not theirs....

I don't think that is a fair assessment.

Maybe the parent just wants to be a parent and gets something they did not expect and were not ready for. In this case the parent is in the same situation as the child. The problem was delivered, not by choice, but by unfortunate circumstances.

Or maybe the parent has a lot of compassion and agrees to do the job because it needs to be done by someone. That doesn't make the job any easier. Not all succeed, but all deserve praise for being willing to give up so much to try.

Outsiders like to think love is all you need. "Just love him more and it will all work out." "You're not loving him enough." Yeah, we've been through that too. Fools. They do not know what they speak. If they had as much love as we have then they would try adoption too. Love is what gets us into this mess. It takes much more to get out of it.

Okay...that turned into a vent.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

No one said they didn't want to hear what you have to say - they simply said it's a two way street. I believe I told you I love what you have to say. Ok.

You weren't the one that called my post irritating... that part wasn't in response to you. I never said that it wasn't a two way street and I thought (wrongly) that my perspective was as valid as the venting. As the bulk of the responses seemed to feel I was trying to quash venting, I felt it was better to delete it than wait for even more people to get offended.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by jeffw

I don't think that is a fair assessment.

Maybe the parent just wants to be a parent and gets something they did not expect and were not ready for. In this case the parent is in the same situation as the child. The problem was delivered, not by choice, but by unfortunate circumstances.

Or maybe the parent has a lot of compassion and agrees to do the job because it needs to be done by someone. That doesn't make the job any easier. Not all succeed, but all deserve praise for being willing to give up so much to try.

Outsiders like to think love is all you need. "Just love him more and it will all work out." "You're not loving him enough." Yeah, we've been through that too. Fools. They do not know what they speak. If they had as much love as we have then they would try adoption too. Love is what gets us into this mess. It takes much more to get out of it.

Okay...that turned into a vent.

For the thousanth (it feels like) time... I was offering the perspective of the CHILD. I'm truly truly truly sorry that that perspective was neither welcomed nor warranted. I was only trying to help, to offer hope that RAD kids can change, grow, mature, and end up as healthy adults.

I'm not sure how many more apologies I need to offer. This will not happen again. Lesson learned.

[mommytoEli]

i once read that one sign that a kid has rad is an angry mom. it said bc moms typically bear the most brunt from the child, and catch the most flack for being a bad parent from others. bc RAD kids tend to charm strangers- teachers, other parents, etc, then the mom is judged again by those that think she must be crazy bc their kid is perfect. being an adoptive mother to these kids is a tough position to be in.... to be the one that did not cause it but seemingly catches all the hate and blame, but is expected to be nothing but a hopeful endless outpouring of love. but i'm just a human.

i tell this story bc what just happend here is another example (for me) of a reality of living with a RAD child. it does not matter what your intention was, sadly, for me, i see it as an attack. not because it was as much as.... quite frankly, that's what i'm used to. another attack about how there must be something wrong with me, something i am doing wrong, i don't love enough, i'm not patient enough, i am not sympathetic enough...and maybe if i were, this wouldn't be happening. and what the reality is, is that i spent years doing these things. same behaviors. i vent here so that i don't freak out on her every 5 seconds. so that i will, as she calls it, give her a 2nd chance on one incident, when it is really like the 57th chance on the same incident when she asks for a second. i have become THAT mom. that angry mom. and i need support.

my child's perspective is that i am unfair, unloving, uncaring, i don't try hard enough, i try too hard, i am too involved in her business, i am not involved enough in her business. but yet she screams when i touch her, pulls away if i hug her, destroys what i give her. i can not win with her...it doesn't matter how patient or loving i am.

i am an angry mom. i am not in a place where i want to hear that i need to do something else. i am in a place where i want to see i am not alone, which helps me continue to do the best i can. i admit i've lost alot of hope. that part is completely true. i think it is hard not to.

I was only trying to help, to offer hope that RAD kids can change, grow, mature, and end up as healthy adults.

knowing that she might make it in the future, is not enough to get me through today, unfortunately. i hope she can be a healthy adult, i do not see how it is completely possible when she is unable to form a healthy bond and instead goes out of her way, daily, to hurt people. i keep my fingers crossed, but i still need support for what happens in my house now. the other day my dd asked what kind of job she could have where she could make a decent amount of money and never have to stay in one place for very long. i think she knows it too. she doesn't want to connect. i do think, if she found a job like this, she would be very successful, and very independent.

please stop apologizing. i think i understand. it sounds like you feel attacked for your opinion, and you feel like no one is listening to you, no one cares what you have to say. i feel the same way, just on the other side, every day. RAD is an emotional topic. i know my dd does not see the way i see things, she never will. and vice versa.

as much as i do not necessarily find joy in reading your post(again...just bc i'm not really in that place to want to hear it), i will say this, the fact that you have gone from having a difficult life to then taking on the job of caring for a child in need, speaks volumes for you. i am sure you are able to understand him in a way that others may not be. and that's great.

[momraine]

I do understand more than you might think. I was an abused child. I was not removed from my family and adopted, but I sure should have been. At the time I didn't think so and fought like heck to defend my mom and to stay with my sibs, so we kept the secrets. Now I see that maybe our lives would have been better. Maybe two of my brothers would still be alive and two other sibs would not be addicts. However, I don't know that. I choose to live in the present. However, my son cannot do that. He is choosing to live in the past, he is choosing to hold on to the anger and take it out on me. I understand that, I really do. However, when I am hit, it still hurts. I bruise just like anyone else. When he tells me he hates me, it hurts. When he lies to people about me and they beleive him, it hurts. I am human and I do have feelings. I have not yet given up hope. Some of those who have given up hope have only done so because thier children are now grown. Some have only given up hope for the moment. They are suffering from a moment, or hour or day or week of dispair, because they have worked so hard and nothing seems to be helping. We come here to vent so that we are ready to once again face our children with love instead of anger. If I direct my anger towards one of my friends here, by venting, then that means I will not take it out on one of my children. I am not angry at my child usually, more I am angry at the people and the circumstances that hurt him. I am angry at the damage that was done to him. I am angry at my self for not being able to reach him. In my communitee 99% of the people only see the charming facad he presents. They do not beleive that there is anything wrong inside of him. They beleive his lies, which makes him feel less safe. He has told me that himself. He does not trust adults that are easy to trick. He calls them stupid behind thier backs and says that if they are easy to trick, they have no right to be in charge and he feels like it's OK to trick them. They deserve to be lied to. He does have moments where he will actually talk to me about what he is thinking. Those moments are rare and I treasure them, even though it hurts me to know how much anger and hurt he has inside. Those moments have only come after I have stood my ground on something and been willing to take his abuse and his anger. Often these times will last hours, and I get a five minute window to my son's heart and mind as a reward. Most days it's worth it. Some days I am tired or sick and it's harder than most to let him hurt me over and over. Sometimes it's just something that I have to laugh at so I don't cry, so I come here to people who understand. They strengthen me to go on with the battle. I do have hope, I have hope that he will heal and be a happy adult. I have not given up. Of course I have only been at this for, wow, we are coming up on four years! However those who have been fighting longer and seeing no progress, may give up. Sometimes giving up is self defense. You have to just take care of your child as best you can for a time and take a break on trying to heal them. Some kids don't want to or can't heal. For them, the parents will have to admit that sooner or later. My son will never grow legs. To be a good parent to him, I have to admit that and accept that, and figure out other ways to handle things. I spend money on wheelchairs and ramps and lifts to make his life better. Some parents have to do the same with thier kids RAD. If the kids truly don't want to heal it won't happen. You wanted to. I wanted to. I don't know if my son wants to, he doesn't yet, but he also has not yet made up his mind to refuse completely. So I have not given up. However, I can judge my fellow warriors for giving up. It's a tough battle. Also remember that not every abused kid is like me and you. I am one of seven. I am the only one who has managed to be happy as an adult. Those are not good odds.

[soultea]

i once read that one sign that a kid has rad is an angry mom. it said bc moms typically bear the most brunt from the child, and catch the most flack for being a bad parent from others. bc RAD kids tend to charm strangers- teachers, other parents, etc, then the mom is judged again by those that think she must be crazy bc their kid is perfect. being an adoptive mother to these kids is a tough position to be in.... to be the one that did not cause it but seemingly catches all the hate and blame, but is expected to be nothing but a hopeful endless outpouring of love. but i'm just a human.

Wow! I could have written the same thing. I adopted a sibling group from the foster system a year and half ago. The three year old soon to be 4 has RAD. I had a baby in May and he tells me on a daily basis that he wants D dead, he wants him to die now. I am terrified to leave S alone with my baby. We are in counseling but I am seriously considering terminating our rights. He has hurt our cats, hurt our dogs (three rottweilers) he lies about anything and everything, he is controlling, refuses to eat most of the time and when he does he throws it up. He is TINY, my baby is almost the same weight as S.

I told my mom about the possiblity of terminating our rights and she said she would f***ing hate me for life for not giving him all he needs, if I did not spend so much **** time with D I would have time to give love to S. I always look like the bad guy, everyone is always saying how cute, how sweet, how charming S is. Yeah right, take him for a week and then tell me how charming he is. He is destructive, he talks about killing mommy and daddy, he says today is the day is brother is going to die. I am scared, have dreams about him standing over my bed with a knife. I could go on.

[soultea]

Also, I hate him, I have to stay away from him, yes he is a child, yes he is hurting but I really feel there is nothing in there. When he first came he was so emotionally demanding of me, it made me crazy. I needed a break and he would flip out. It has gotten worse over the year even before I found out I was pregnant, he latches on to any and every female wanting to go home with them. The neighbor came over once and he asked if he could go home with her to live, she said no and he throw up on her.

[mommytoEli]

soultea...i am so sorry. you sound like you are really frustrated. have you found a support group or someone irl who understands your position? that is my first reccomendation! you need a break, and you need some support NOW!

i know there are several people here who have similar safety concerns with their kids. i hope some of them see your post and can offer some advice.


hang in there!

[momraine]

I also have one who doesn't eat and throws up when he does. The good news is, if you last that long he will eat at school when he gets there because he thinks you don't know about it. My knives are all kept up very high and we don't ever leave my son in a room unsupervised, except his own. He has stolen a knife before and threatened to kill everyone in the house. He weighs less than 30lbs, has one arm and no legs, yet my big 16 year old weightlifter son has asked if he can keep a weopon in his room to defend himself. It's such a different life that those who are not living it just don't get it.

[soultea]

we are in therapy, the thearpist asked if we wanted to terminate just him. It is a huge consideration, she said never leave my baby alone, take him to the bathroom if you go, don;t let him near the pets, keep weapons out of his reach.

I am at my wits end is why I spend as little with him as possible, I sound like a horrible person but I am so overwhelmed with his issues, he poops on the floor, destroys everything. I ask him why he does it, he says because you not want me to.

[soultea]

My concern is not just for my baby but his brothers, my husband, my quality of life, my sanity. My blood pressure is already through the roof, I had an emergency csection a month early to save me life due to my blood pressure.

[soultea]

Sorry I am rambling but this is really the first time this is all coming out, I have had it bottled up for a year and half.