[mommytoEli]

Which brings me to my first question...how did you hang in there thru the "trial" period and then know in your heart finalizing adoption was the right decision?

i must have been crazy and temporarily lost my mind, because i'm not sure. i think i loved her and wanted her to stay with her brother and have a chance at a normal life....so i somehow overlooked the insane craziness. i don't know that i knew it was the "right" decision as much as i just thought it was what needed to happen.

Obviously, this is discouraging to us as well so I wanted to get your opinions...do you think some children just can't ever function in a family and RTC is their only hope?

yes, i do believe there are kiddos that bad off. (editing to add to my answer)...let me expand on that....i believe there are kiddos that bad off, and not enough trained families who want to and have the ability to help these children. i don't. i can't do it, and i've been doing it for over 6 years. i would never choose this again. there are some very special families who do this once, and then go on to do it again on purpose. i think there are very few families like this, and more children that need help, and so that is why i think yes, many kids will never successfully function in a family- a combination of the horrid behaviors and untrained or unwilling families. it is really hard. did i already say i'd never choose this and i'd never do it again on purpose? i also do believe that regardless of how much training and preparation a family has, that there are indeed children that are too badly hurt to live in any family at all. sad. i know that some will see this as giving up on children who need help. but after 6+ years of watching some pretty crazy stuff, it is just what i believe.

[Lorraine123]

I posted this elsewhere, so sorry if you already read it.

You want to know what life is like with a RAD child. Well, I have a severely attachment disordered daughter. You cannot know what it feels like to live every day, every hour, every minute with a person who has no feelings for you. I could never have imagined a life like the one I now live. My daughter will never love me. She will never care about me. She will never be a "true daughter" in her heart. Everyone says that they love their children unconditionally, but let me tell you that you don't. As parents we expect our children to give something back. When they give nothing, its hard. I had to go into the hospital recently and my 12 year old was very excited because that meant she might get a new mom. She meant it. She hoped I would die. Not because she was angry at me, but because she has no feelings for me. To her, if I died it would be an adventure with a new family. When I fell down and was bleeding everywhere, imagine how it feels to have your child simply step over you and then ask what is for lunch. That’s what living with an unattached child is like. My daughter is not a raging RAD. She just can't feel anything.

[greenrobin]

oh, Lorraine. I am so sorry for both of you.

For us it is never being his real family no matter that he has spent more time with us than with anyone else.

It is knowing that he can turn it off and on like a faucet--love, hatred, anger, doesn't matter.

Watching my every step because I don't really know all of the mines in this field, even after 2 years.

knowing that because he's so cute that people don't readily see the manipulation. Or maybe they do and just lie to themselves about it. So who's really got the problem then?

Feeling like I'm loving a piece of wood sometimes.

Being tearfully thankful for the moments that he's real and bawling outright when he means it when he says he loves me.

and wondering always why it's 1 step forward, 25 back.

And why his first mom, who hurt him so horribly, is the one he wants most of the time.

And being unreasonably, disproportionately happy when I'm the one he chooses to tell a secret to.

[mommytoEli]

i feel like all i ever do is take stuff away

and i don't know why, because discipline does nothing to her

encouragement does nothing for her either

she does not care about or appreciate the things she gets from me. she feels entitled to them, but is never thankful. if she thinks i really like what i bought her, she destroys it.

raising her as made me a skeptic. i don't often take people at their word anymore.

Everyone says that they love their children unconditionally, but let me tell you that you don't. As parents we expect our children to give something back.

i agree. a little thank you. a hug. a smile. actually wear the new outfit you begged for instead of the dirty clothes. something.....but there is nothing.

[LisaF]

Having to be on "high alert" every. single. minute. of the day..........

Avoiding conversations because you know you'll walk away feeling slightly crazed.

It's always Your fault. No matter what. Always.

Never explaining to people how you really live because they would never get it and most of the time you don't either.

Living in fear of "the look" in their eyes, or the smirk or the crazy laugh because you know what follows....

[momraine]

Originally Posted by LisaF

Having to be on "high alert" every. single. minute. of the day..........

...

Yes, that totally wears me out, that and feeling like I can't trust this cute little kid that everyone outside my house adores! I was talking to another mom after my daughter's dance class yesterday and noticed tha my son was over talking very animatedly to the dance teacher. My mind went into full panic over what he might be telling her. No telling what it might have been, but I can bet it was nothing truthful! LOL

[kretzklan]

Realizing that you don't like them. I can love them and care for them and their needs. But, I don't like them.
Seeing their faces light up when they lie. Then realizing that is the only time their faces light up.

Having a few days that are better than the rest and not even getting overly excited because you know the real world will come back.

[lucky_13]

Hugs to all of you!!!!!!! I must've had a premonition yesterday when I posted because last night my 10 yr old DD of 3 mths raged so severely that police had to intervene, restrain and transport her to acute psych facility. The social worker contacted me today and asked if this was the last straw for us...I'm too numb to answer today. I told her the acute placement for the next week was probably best because it allowed time for a clear mind for decision making.

I do my job and nurture her, provide for her, care for her and meet her basic needs but I do not like her. She's never been able to form a mother-daughter bond in the past and I can honestly say I don't see it in her future.

I could see by the look on her face she was literally enjoying describing how she would kill me last night while I slept by sneaking into my room and slitting my throat with a knife. She was elated at the mere thought.

I know I don't have to go into any more details because all of you are well aware of behaviors. I feel terrible because I wanted us to be one of those few families that were able to make a commitment, stick it out and help her reach her full potential. However, I agree, there is no amount of preparation or training or research you can do for the reality of life with a child with RAD. And it's a very lonely life at that...

[aspenhall]

I told my husband once, that even a prison warden gets to go home and leave the prison behind for a few hours. And it's well known how psychologically traumatized prison guards are, from being in that environment with untrustworthy people for 8 hours a day....

[sassafras]

I am sorry. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but I would NOT be finalizing. Knowing what I know now I would not have done it. There I said it but sadly it's true. You have seen her behaviors BEFORE you do it. Save yourself!

[chickymum]

THANK-YOU Sassafras. Now I am crying...from your first post.

All of it, I relate to all of it. I need this because to read this from all of you makes me feel normal, and I never feel normal.

OK the part of my life that makes me crazy is trying to stay two steps ahead of the greatest master manipulator that lived. DD can manipulate anybody and anything at any time. It is just what she lives to do, there is never a break from it.

She also thinks of only herself, EVER. When she is doing things to be helpful I can hardly be happy because I know that the more helpful she is, the harder she is going to kick us in the teeth later (not litterally) or she is working on another manipulation.

She wants everything, even though she pretty much has everything that any 9 year old could want. And when she finds something that she does not already have and is not going to get then she is HATEFUL because of it.

I am TIRED, EXHAUSTED and like so many here have said, I am counting down the next 9 years....BUT when it is time for her to finally go then I already know that I will be devastated if she was not to come back home for visits.

I am tired of the lose/lose situation that I feel like I am drowning in. She can set up ANY situation so that no matter how I react to her behaviours, she wins. If I react strongly, I am horrible, and if I react hardly at all then she has basically gotten away with whatever she did.

All I have to do with the other children is look at them in a stern way and they become upset that they have disappointed me, but DD does not care. She is actually happy that I am hurt or sad or angry.

I am sad that my other children are not living the life that I wanted them to live, all because of one person. I am sad that visits with family are so stressfull because DD is watching to see where she can strike, and she knows exactly the right time, place and method for disaster to hit.

And after I try to convince the world that the problems do not stem from me, I come home and blame myself anyway for being so angry, cinical and different.

I have more that I could go on with but I won't....not now anyway

Amanda

[chickymum]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

I told my husband once, that even a prison warden gets to go home and leave the prison behind for a few hours. And it's well known how psychologically traumatized prison guards are, from being in that environment with untrustworthy people for 8 hours a day....

I once had a social worker (in his twenties) who was mad at me because apparently I was too mean to my kids, he tried to tell me that he knew what life with RAD kids is like because he worked with some as part of his training

Yeah, thats the same thing. Guaranteed he went home after 8 hours. And if he could tell me it was tough then what did he think years was like. But of course he could handle it so what the frick is my problem!!!! Idiot.

[chickymum]

Originally Posted by lucky_13

I could see by the look on her face she was literally enjoying describing how she would kill me last night while I slept by sneaking into my room and slitting my throat with a knife. She was elated at the mere thought.

.

Um, yeah......if you do decide to go ahead you need to be extremely prepared with alarms and anything that will protect you.

Please do not be sad that you are not fullfilling your commitment. It has only been 3 months and it will get worse before it gets better. A permanent placement needs to sit right with you even if there are challenges. If you decide to not go ahead then there are other, less extreme kids out there that would benefit from having someone commit to them. Maybe that could be you

[sistomany18]

Originally Posted by chickymum

Um, yeah......if you do decide to go ahead you need to be extremely prepared with alarms and anything that will protect you.

Please do not be sad that you are not fullfilling your commitment. It has only been 3 months and it will get worse before it gets better. A permanent placement needs to sit right with you even if there are challenges. If you decide to not go ahead then there are other, less extreme kids out there that would benefit from having someone commit to them. Maybe that could be you

I agree there is a home for every child and this home might not be the right fit for the child in question. There have been many kids who have came to our home through foster, but we had to decline finalizing because our home wasn't the right fit for a child with such severe issues especially when the safety of others was concerned. If you decide not to finalize don't feel bad because it takes a strong person to admit their limits and you are not failing the child because you realize what you can handle and to me that is doing the right thing versus taking in a child you know you aren't equipped or capable of handling and things eventually start escalating and explode.

[momraine]

I think I am another one who probably would not have gone through with it had I really known what it would be like. Dh is out of town and he called tonight and I told him about a note I got from M's teacher. She says his behavior was "challenging lately" and that today he would not stop saying the word "crap" over and over, even though she had told him not to say it. He also called a little girl in his class "gay". Not that he has any idea what either of the words mean. (had a long talk with my high schoolers about it too, since he heard both words from them!) He also told me, almost proudly that she has been having to "get on to him" constantly for talking lately. This is the teacher who told me at the conference he was an "inspiration". When I told dh about all of this, he said "Good". I asked him if it meant we are bad parents that we are glad he acted up in school. With any of our other kids it would bother us that they misbehaved in school, this one: we were glad the teacher was finally seeing through his con job. Of course I should have known it was going to be a bad day, when I sent him out to the bus and I could hear him through the windows talking to himself about how I was the worst mother ever. My offense? I made him wear a jacket because it was cold and pouring rain. I have learned that if I don't make him, the teachers get mad at me. Of course when he came home it was still cold and raining and he was not wearing it. It is a sad way to live. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop if they are behaving, having to be aware of what they are doing constantly. I am glad to hear I am not alone. The good stories of kids that are saved helps, but so do the ones of kids who are not getting better. I know that sounds silly, but it makes me feel like less of a failure to know that not every child heals. I still have hope for my son, but sometimes it's hard to keep that hope alive.