[Lorraine123]

I also was one of the 101 viewers. I too had nothing of sustenance to say because loving my child is a chore right now.

I don't necessarily think that love is an action. I do believe that you can't love without the actions, but the actions certainly don't guarantee loving feelings.

I do agree with "fake it and hope you make it". Sometimes you don't make it though. We all have our breaking point where we can't fake it anymore and I do believe that is ok (well, maybe I don't because I am wrestling with that right now, but I want to believe that is ok).

You don't HAVE to love anyone. You have to take of your child, you have to be sure she is fed, clothed, sheltered and educated until she is 18. So, you are required to do the actions, you are not required to love.

[tybeemarie]

Lorraine, I am sorry things are hard for you. The pain you feel just came right to me through your post.

We really cannot help how we feel. Feelings are what they are. I think we need to be very gentle with ourselves and our battered hearts. I think we need to sincerely grieve the very significant things we have lost in this process--all the stuff that made up the beautiful dreams we had when we adopted. I think we need to extend forgiveness to ourselves for not feeling the warm feelings we dreamed we'd have, because truly, we are emotionally abused, and it's NATURAL to be hurt and to have our hearts say, enough.

There is something noble in doing the right thing in the absence of reward. This is what we're doing.

I ask God's help in loving my daughter. The younger two I can do much easier, but I am very aware of my need of grace in loving my oldest. This has made me closer to God. It's made me realize my true dependence on God. Human effort is not enough, not nearly adequate to the scope of the project of lovingly raising my daughter.

I'm Catholic, so the Blessed Mother is very special to me. When I feel like, ENOUGH! I imagine two things: one, I imagine myself as being small and in swaddling clothes and held by the Blessed Mother; two, I imagine my daughter, as she is, but swaddled like a baby, and held by the Blessed Mother. This gives me a sense of peace and higher reality.

My daughter and I are both God's children, and we are both loved by God, just as we are, with all our deficiencies and errors. I do not have to love my daughter perfectly, because God does that. I just have to be open to grace.

Part of God's grace and abundance is God's provision of each of us to one another. I am really grateful to God for all the wonderful friends I've made on these boards. You are all parents who care deeply, who are willing to have your hearts broken open again and again (even though it really, really sucks), who have compassion for other parents. Thank you for all you do.