[111holmes]

When we first started looking into adoption we read so many books on attachment and talk about attachment so much. Well during all of that time I never dreamed that I may not attach to a child. We have always wanted to adopt and have waited so long. We have been placed with a 9 yrs old little girl, who is just perfect!! She moved in Aug 1st and we have been picked for her forever family. She has attached so well to us and things seem to be so perfect, but I just don't feel my hubby or I have attached to her like we should. I could see if she was a problem but she is so good. Has anyone else had this problem? Will we attach in time? I am not saying we do not love her, we do and would never let anything happen to her. We have 2 biological children 18 and 21 and I guess I compare our love for them to the love we should feel for her and its just not the same. We have always wanted to adopt and are so happy to be placed with such a wonderful little girl!! We just want the best for her!!

[bluebonnet_72]

With older children takes time. Did you fall in love with your husband over night, or did you get to know each other first? Even if it was "love at first sight" didn't that love grow over time?
On the one hand, love is a decision and a commitment. You decide you will put her needs above your own, you decide you are committed to her no matter what. In that sense you choose to love her.
The feelings of attachment might come more slowly. Especially with an older child, you have to create a shared history, and grow together. If you are really worried talk to a counselor. He can help you evaluate whether there is a real problem, or it is just the normal process of learning to be family together.

[kay]

Two thoughts - possibilities only, since I don't know you or your daughter.

She's been with you two months and there are no problems and she's just perfect? She might be honeymooning and you don't even know the real kid yet to connect to.

The other thing is that it does take time! Sometimes it really is a "fake it til you make it" situation. No matter what you're feeling, you have to act like she's the light of your life and the daughter of your heart. The feelings grow, and it may take awhile, and some shared family story experience. "You were so cute when you_____" or "remember how we laughed when we________" - that kind of thing.

[kretzklan]

The other side of the attachment world can be just as hard. I had a lot of trouble attaching and as someone else mentioned - I don't know your situation...but my kids were really 'good' for a while and there was just always a feeling I had. Yes, it was the honeymoon and the truth is way different. I've wondered if I was shielding myself and preparing for what was to come?
My best advice is to not let it get out of hand. If it starts feeling more like depression from not attaching, reach out for help as soon as it does. It can spiral quickly.

[Barksum]

Adoption was/is an intensely emotional process, sometimes WAY more deeply emotional than I had ever thought it would be. It is rather like an arranged marriage. If you both go into it with the understanding that this will take time and committment and you will have to work to find the best ways to communicate and understand each other, then you can 'relax' (HA! but you know what I mean) and be willing to take the tiny, eensy weensy baby steps toward true bonded attachment. Remember that you come from different backgrounds and may not have the same definitions of family, culture, society, or understandings of body language, etc. Smells, foods, clothes, people all mean different things to each of you. Words, even, can be understood in vastly different ways.

So time is important, but so is actively working on the bond that we form, as well as recognizing if things are getting out of hand, like Kretz said. It's a huge (HUGE!) balancing act.

[wordsmither]

My husband has a bio-kid, and he says that his love for our adopted kids is as strong as it is for his bio-kid, but its also a totally different set of feelings. Also, we "decided" to love our kids, and were totally committed to them, but it definitely took awhile for those warm fuzzy feelings to show up. YMMV.

[aspenhall]

You had 9 months to bond with your bio kids before parenting them...give an adopted child the same time frame.
And, she may be honeymooning, in which case you're picking up on her being false/manipulative in her affections...that's normal to feel like rejecting that too...

[chickymum]

I agree with Aspen.

My kids were awesome too. I struggled with the fact that I was not getting the warm fuzzies. I look back and realize that I was picking up on the fact that the great behaviour was not genuine.

Anyone who meets my DD for the first time thinks that she is wonderful because that is what she presents to them as she did us for months.

The perfect child did not last forever and I can bet that you will see this, especially since no child is perfect so if she seems to be this way then I would guess DEFINATLY manipulation is involved.

I hope not for your sake. It does not mean that you eventually will not feel love for her, it will come in one way or another.

It is just hard because when you go into adoption it is so completely based on love and when the feelings are not there you feel like some kind of horrible person. I did fall in love with my husband fairly quickly and my bios and adopted newborn immediatly. I wanted it to be the same for DD but it was not . After almost 6 years still is not. I wish it was. But like you said, it is different to the love you have for the babies that you raised from birth so try not to compare. You do love her, just differently. That can be special all on its own.

[ScrapMonkey]

My son's therapist at the time told me to forget what I thought it was SUPPOSED to feel like and take it as it comes. Looking back, it took about 9-12 months for me to really feel "Momma Bear" about my son. And why would I have fallen in love with a raging, biting, screaming, RAD two and a half year old??? When his behaviors lessened and he started to attach to us, the love was there before I noticed it.

[tybeemarie]

I really recommend Katherine Leslie's book, When A Stranger Calls You Mom, which you can get at Brand New Day Consulting. She explains how humans attach to one another, and why it can be hard to feel warm, fuzzy feelings right away for older adopted kids. We were designed to get warm, fuzzy feelings for infants. Also, we feel warm and fuzzy in response to reciprocal relationships.

If she's well-behaved, and you aren't feeling the warm, fuzzy feeling you'd expect, could it be because she's honeymooning, and there is a way in which she isn't being herself?

I was fortunate in that I felt love for my kids early on, but with my oldest, who has the most serious attachment issues, it was non-fuzzy for a long time. As she's attaching, it's getting fuzzier. I've had my kids for 5 years now. So, sometimes these things take time.

[mypov]

Don't forget what you've likely studied about the process of attachment. It is a cycle based on need. Child feels a need, parent meets that need, parent and child feel a little bit more attachment.

It is easier with infants and small children because they have so many needs just to stay alive. As you meet them for that child, you feel like you are able to provide for your child and in turn your child feels that trust that you WILL provide for them.

With an older child, the needs become more emotionally based. So while she is being well-behaved (and I agree she is likely in the normal honeymoon stage) you can start to get to know her a bit, enjoy her, but the real work of attachment can't begin until she begins to have emotional needs that you can meet. When you LEARN how to calm her fears of abandonment, school changes, friends, past loss of family and friends, those things will make attachment grow and help her through the challenges of life that attachment will slowly but surely grow.

On the other side this process is why I believe it also takes a lot longer for attachment to develop in special needs adoptions. It can take a lot longer for the child to begin to have trust in you and THAT means that it takes you longer to feel successful in being able to meet her needs and attach to her. But it will come. With dedication you will find small and large things you can do to successfully meet her needs. And each is a little nugget into the attachment basket.

When you DO attach to her, and she to you, it will be SOOOO worth it. So keep trying and realize neither of you can go faster than the other is prepared for. It's just the nature of attachment.

Good luck, and hang in there!

[111holmes]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the great advice. I feel we will attach in time. She is a wonderful little girl God has given us and we are going to give her 100%. I know with lots of prayer and lots of time, everthing will work out for us.

Thanks