[crazycanuck]

I was dropping the kiddo off at school this morning, and he was already stressed because the TA he's been with for the past year has moved on to another job (first day without her). He has only had a week of transition time with the TA replacing her, so it's a big adjustment for him.

So he's getting out of the car, visibly stressed, as these two woman (his new TA, plus a new woman who's going to be her backup) are walking toward him, and he's on the verge of crying, saying "(old TA's name) safe" over and over.

Before I can even try to help him through this and point out to the two TAs that are going to be working with him that he is stressed, the newest one, who I don't know, starts jabbering at him about how she knows him from a long time ago and used to work with him.

I ask her when and where she worked with him, and she says, nice and loud, "I worked with him at the Child Development Center when he was with his real mom". I smoothly correct her saying "oh, you mean you worked with him when he was with S, because he didn't get any services when he was with his bio-mom". She restates, "no, he was with his real mom". Meanwhile, he is seeing and hearing this back and forth and on the verge of a meltdown. I firmly told her, no, that would have been when he was with S, who was a foster caregiver, and to please be aware of what she's saying, as that brings up a ton of grief issues for him. Further that, if she remembers him, he certainly remembers her, and to be gentle with him today, as it's bound to be a tough one, between missing his regular TA and now thinking about his past.

She THEN gets all misty about S, and how sad it is that my kid isn't with her anymore! At which point I had to cut her off and explain that S had gotten into meth and abused and neglected him, which is why he was REMOVED and placed with us, and that it is very hard for him to hear or think/talk about her or that time. I also very clearly said that I'm his mom, as I adopted him.

I know this woman meant well, but geez! How insensitive can a person get?

I've been "mom" in practice for 6 years, and legally mom for 4 years. I'm the one who loves him and takes care of him - it doesn't get much more "real" than that. I can't believe this has come up now, out of the blue, this long after adoption. And not only is the term "real mom" insensitive, it's also very confusing for my guy, who is autistic. He hears that and takes it at face value, thinking it means that I am not his mother, and he might have to move.

I phoned his teacher and got ahold of her thankfully. I asked her to please address it with the new TA to not use the term "real". We have "tummy mummy", "S - mommy", and "mom"/"forever mom", which I went over with her. I also told her to please watch him very carefully and be a bit gentle with him today. The last time he had contact with someone he'd known during his time with S, it triggered a total mental health crash and he ended up in the pediatric psych ward for a week

[AmyAnne]

IS he home yet? How did today go for him?

[sunshinemomma]

CrazyCanuck.....'nother canuck over here!

This is just unbelievable to me. I would be absolutely fuming at a conversation like that. Would it be worth speaking to her and her supervisor. If she is someone that has worked at the child development centre and is a TA she really needs to be much more educated on adoption friendly language and the impact that it has on every child she comes into contact with. If she is using that kind of language in your son's environment she is also impacting the thoughts/beliefs of the children that your son spends hours with every day.

We had another older child at school tell my daughter repeatedly that my son wasn't her real brother because she was adopted. It took a conversation with his parents {they were horrified} to make it stop.

Good Luck "educating the educator" and hope your boy made it through the day OK.

[crazycanuck]

I know eh?

Today actually went really well. Not sure yet if it was a sincere good day, or one of his "I'm really nervous so am going to be super good so that I don't get moved" good days. For the first 3 years we had him, having a social worker visit our home sent him into a tizzy, and any mention of birth family or his previous placement had him thinking he'd be moved We're now finally at a place where he's stopped asking when he's going to his new home, and will instead say things like "forever home" "MY house", etc. when we pull up to our house.

For what it's worth, despite her huge faux pas, I like the new TA. She's clearly got a ton of experience with autism, sensory issues, etc., and she used to work as a behavioural consultant (that's the capacity she worked with my son in). Today they started doing some OT stuff (pressure, massage, etc.) in the calm down room while he was NOT escalated, in an attempt to start getting him to self-regulate instead of having to be transported there when he loses it. So that was good. She also was really impressed with how much he's progressed since she worked with him (she worked with him ages 3-5, and he was completely non-verbal then). There was a lot more sensitivity/discretion in our conversation this afternoon and she didn't use the term "real mom", so I'm guessing the classroom teacher (who is her supervisor) spoke to her as I requested.

Since getting home, little man has been playing by himself in his bedroom. A lot of talk about Pinnochio, which means he's thinking about S, but he seems to be processing it alright. His lifebook is there if he wants to look at it (that's been our best tool for dealing with his grief). I asked him if he's missing S or feeling okay, and he says he feels okay. Mind you, getting him to admit to any feeling other than happiness or rage is almost impossible - he has an extremely hard time dealing with feelings like sadness.

[Kerbchek]

Hi Crazycanuck! I'm glad to hear he's handling working with the TA he's known from his past well and that you're liking her. I'd say that was a major faux pas on her part though and it sounds as if she should be more familiar with adoption friendly terminology. Did she realize you had adopted him and that S was no longer in the picture? Perhaps it was just miscommunication..??

Anyway, I may be seeking advice from you in the near future, I've recently been matched with an autistic child and will hopefully start transitioning him into our home soon. I have no idea how the transition will go, but I'll be looking for any pointers as we move forward. He's in a great home now with a foster mother who really loves him and cares for him well, but cannot commit to caring for him long term and has chosen not to adopt him.

Good luck with the transiton time with your sons new TA, I hope it's a good match for him and he continues to make progress!!

[Barksum]

Ugh, Crazy. Glad things seem to be going ok in spite of the tough start to the day.

It drives me nuts to have people talk about the kids' "real mom" and stuff. I have a family member who repeatedly says this, even after my correcting them the first, oh, 100 times. Drives ME nuts but the family member remains unfazed. How unjust is that?! LOL

[crazycanuck]

I don't know what or how much of ds situation she knew. I don't even know how she found out it was the same kid, as his last name has changed. His first name isn't that common though, so maybe she just guessed, and then when she saw him was sure. You'd think though, with it having been 7 years since she's seen him, and with his last name being different, she'd clue in that his family situation has changed.

Kiddo had another good day at school. Last night there was a lot of negative self-talk, easily frustrated, etc., and he was very loud and wound up this morning. This afternoon he's self-isolating quite a bit again. So he's definitely working through stuff. I have to say though, I'm thrilled that he's working through it! In the past, he didn't work through anything - he just raged.

I wish he were more verbal, and I was better able to understand what he's thinking/feeling and how to help him through these feelings.

I've just been providing lots of reassurance, low demands, and giving him the space he seems to need. And of course telling him he's loved about a zillion times a day

[Barksum]

Glad that he's learning how to work through things! That's a huge step for our kids.