[tybeemarie]

My youngest daughter woke up as my oldest daughter left the house this morning before sunrise--she's very hypervigilant, there's no sneaking past her bedroom, which is right at the top of the stairs. My oldest told her, "Tell mommy I went to open gym." My youngest said, "What!?" And then the oldest stared her down, and said, "Go, just go," and made a shooing gesture with her hand. So, the youngest went, but spied on her, confirmed she was not headed in the direction of school, and woke me up.

I went from deep sleep to wide awake, all systems go, OMG! alertness at her news, and lept from the bed, and ran to the van, no shoes, no glasses, not a word to anyone, and drove toward the thug's house she snuck to this summer. Yup! There she was, walking the dark city streets of Chicago, hoodie up, Ipod in, and about 100 feet from the guys house. Had I stopped for anything, she would have reached his house.

Fortunately, she got in the car after a ridiculous line about going to school. I hit the roof. I knew she was an idiot, but walking around as a single female in the darkness is really unsafe here.

Then there's this: the boy she likes is a Gangster Disciple, an African-American gang. Their big rivals? The Latin Kings, which is a Mexican and Puerto Rican gang. And there's my daughter, a Mexican girl, walking down a street controlled by the Gangster Disciples.

How dangerous is that? Literally yesterday, there was a news piece about a 14 year old, who I learned was a Latin King, who had his head smashed with a pipe by 3 other teenagers, blood all over the place. This happened about a mile and half from where we live.
I believe he's still alive, but as you all probably saw on national television, on the far south side of Chicago a kid, not in a gang, but in the wrong place at the wrong time, was beaten to death with two by fours.

She is really such an idiot. How do you take these kinds of risks? I know, I know, when you don't place any value on your life. Or, to be more precise, when you value the attention of a trashy thug more than your safety, your life, anything.

She is also pathetic, in that she was walking over there, but where was he? Did he summon her, and did she just go? Or, what is perhaps more likely, did she just want to be near him, and walked to his house? Was she planning on waking up his entire family to get to him? Or was she going to stand outside his house waiting for him to leave to get to school, i.e., stalking him?

What is galling is the total lack of dignity. How does she put all this desperation out there and not feel humiliated?

She has so much potential. And, in fairness to her, she is improving in other ways. But the boy thing, man, is that kryptonite for her.

I really have to get her to consent to birth control. She is SO at risk.

SIGH! Maybe getting her at 9 was just too late.

[kretzklan]

Oh dear God! What a morning...good for younger DD and knowing that it was the right time to tell!!!

[mommytoEli]

So, the youngest went, but spied on her, confirmed she was not headed in the direction of school, and woke me up.

i love spies. i'm glad she was able to keep her sister safe this morning!

[joskimo]

oy! What a morning! My thoughts are with you.

[Barksum]

Glad you were able to intervene, and glad that your youngest is a 'spy'. Good for her (youngest) for knowing that she should tell you and for doing it right away. I'm not sure that my kids would...they'd eventually tell me, and they're johnny on the spot when one of the other kids does some minor infraction or touches their things, but a biggie? I'm not sure, unless it involved the wandering sibling taking something of the potential tattler's with them. They just don't always make connections with behaviors and danger, etc.

As to your older Dd feeling humiliation at all, well, young love has no brains. I'd bet she sees all these things as romantic, and a way to prove her 'love' for, and devotion to, the young man. I wonder if she even considers HIS feelings, especially if SHE feels romantic and wonderful in what she's doing. The object of her affection may be the fantasy, not the person.

[kay]

What does your daughter say about all this? Does she shut down and sulk, or burst into tears, or yell at you because you're ruining her life? I'm just wondering what kind of response you get to the "hello? it's just not safe!!!" lecture? I'm sorry. I know from personal experience that once they start leaving the house in the middle of the night (or early in the morning), there's no stopping them, short of chaining them to their beds (which is for some reason frowned upon!) As you know, I sent C away to an RTC to deal with the problem. I'm not sure that really helped, long term, except perhaps with my sanity! At least while he was away I wasn't worried.

Yes, birth control is called for - wouldn't it be nice if birth control would also protect against disease, and bullets, and knives. Doggone. I'm so sorry!!!

[AmyAnne]

I'm so glad your youngest did the right thing. The oldest isn't going to retaliate for her telling, will she?

[tybeemarie]

Last night, my daughter was a silent, sulking presence who stayed in her room all night. I left her our mutual notebook with my questions about this--why is this guy so important to her? Does she realize getting involved with a gang member means danger for her entire family? Etc. My youngest was at a birthday party, my husband was at a fundraiser, and my son has been home sick with a stomach flu, so I didn't cook, but just had leftover soup. She declined to come down for dinner, and I am proud that I was not so crazy as to insist. Besides, I don't want to see her anyway.

Last night I got up every time I heard a noise. That meant, I was up at 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 and 6:00 a.m. Now I am waiting to drive her to her school bus for volleyball.

She is still rude.

[tybeemarie]

Well, I told her I was not driving a rude person to volleyball, so she could apologize in a meaningful way, or not go to the volleyball tournament.

So, she did apologize. When I asked her why she felt she was wronged, why she felt she needed to be rude to me, she said, "I don't know," and I don't think she does know.

This is part of parenting a teenager, I know. They make stupid, dangerous decisions, we catch them, we rein them in, and they get angry and nasty. But this is worse.

I hate this adjustment period I have after my kids do some new bad thing. That feeling of, "Oh! I knew they were bad, but not THIS bad! I will have to change my life to accomodate this. How?" And then, the realization that you knew you never understood your child, but wow, did you underestimate how damaged she is!

I am so cynical! How is it possible that I am not cynical enough?

I also hate the things I have to inure myself to. Well, it's not something I do to myself, it's something living with disturbed people does to you. When the kids were sexually reactive, I was so shocked and disturbed and sickened by it, as normal people are. Eventually, the episodes were so frequent, largely because it was upsetting to me, that I actually became bored with it. I would just sigh, and say, "Back to this again? Well, the toilets could use a cleaning, I guess." I never grew bored by animal cruelty, but I wasn't shocked, I was MAD, and they decided that wasn't the way to go. But not until there had been three or four incidents.

I resent the fact that I have to give up the normal reactions of the civilized to these things. But before I divested myself of this portion of my civilized self, they didn't drop these deeply anti-social behaviors.

Looking back on how I struggled with accepting my kids' failing grades, I have to laugh, ruefully, but laugh. THAT was my idea of a problem? PLEASE. That was another one that improved with my sincere boredom.

But how do you get blase about a teenage daughter chasing after a gangbanger? How do you get blase about someone running--well, walking, she's too lazy to run--the streets before dawn? How do you get blase about teenagers having unprotected sex? I don't know that that's happened yet, but if it hasn't, it's due to a lack of opportunity, not due to any scruples on her part or, I'm sure, his.

It's an ugly experience, this business of raising a RAD teenager. I really cannot wait for her to grow up and leave our house. What are the odds that she will live in our house until she graduates from high school? Will she do what so many kids on these boards have done, which is to move in with friends, or the clueless family of friends? Who are these people, and why, why, WHY would they want to live with people who contribute nothing?

This is dangerous, of course, this looking ahead to the future. Jesus said not to think of tomorrow, today has enough evils of its own. I'll say! Thank God my daughter has a volleyball tournament, and I have swim practice here soon. We bought tickets with another family to see a play, and then we are going out to dinner. It will be interesting to see how she dresses for this--I already told her a hooded sweatshirt would not work for this theater--and how much sullen, hostile sulking will go on. I am determined to have a good time despite her, but it is a lot of work, resisting the dark pull of her bad energy.

It's gonna be a long 4 years.

[momraine]

I am sorry you had to deal with this! I have no words, but I do have a listening ear if you ever need it.

[kburch]

Wow, Tybee, so sorry things have gotten even more crazy. And you are definitely right - you definitely do lose a part of yourself in this process. There is a lot of growth that comes out of the suffering, but it would be nice to get back to "I trust people" as a default setting. I doubt that will ever happen.

I wish I had any real advice, but I can't think of anything you aren't already doing. All I can say is to keep praying for wisdom, and God will find some way to give you ideas you wouldn't have had otherwise. Hang in there!

[sistomany18]

I can only imagine the fear since me and my family live right outside of Chicago in the suburbs whenever I am in the city there are certain neighborhoods or places I won't even go into with a group of friends let alone by myself as a female. Hopefully your daughter will learn to use her head because when it comes to girls alone especially in dangergous parts of Chicago when in another gang member's territory they are usually not so forgiving. Your daughter is lucky you got to her in time hopefully she will grow out of this "gangster" phase she in. Is your daughter currently in contact with these kinds of guys or is she doing this behind your back?

[lucyjoy]

Boarding school surrounded by corn fields-girls only.

Some people were talking today about who would go live on the moon? I have suggestions for them.....


Going to be a loooonnnggg four years. We must plan lots of running away(us, not her)

[crick]

To borrow your phrase...Ay yi yi yi!!!!

I have to say that Lucy's idea is tempting!

I keep thinking about this stuff for my dd because of all my kids she is going to be the "handful" as a teen, imo. But this is much more than a handful and I can only imagine your fears for your dd. ((HUGS))

[Perfect7]

Oh my! I think a nice house alarm (without giving her the code) would be a nice way to get some sleep. There are some you can get without paying to have it monitored, and they can be had fairly cheaply. Just hope she isn't smart enough to figure out you can use a magnet on the sensor to open a door/window without setting off the alarm, lol. Maybe just an alarm on her door?