[tybeemarie]

The plot thickens! Today, I get the mail, and what do I see? Why, an envelope from the school. There are slips from the teacher of every class she's not passing. That's every class except geography. My daughter, the jock, is failing P.E. for failure to participate!

How does she do it? Missing homework assignments, low test and quiz scores, naturally. Also, she's easily distracted, disorganized, demonstrates inappropriate behavior (these last two comments were written in by teachers, they don't have these on the printed form), lack of self-discipline, does not listen, talks to others while teacher is talking. I think that is pretty much every way you can do poorly. Well, she's got no absences or tardies so far, knock on wood.

I talked to her volleyball coach, who was great. She's not going to be allowed to practice with the team or play for a week--assuming she gets her grades in order in that time. She did spend a lot of time working on this last night, apparently.

I talked to her about it as we drove from her volleyball tournament. She attributes some of her problems to disorganziation, which was also what most of her teachers marked on the form, too. She doesn't always write down when assignments are due, and sometimes her assignments are completed, but left in her locker. She didn't have any insight (surprise, surprise) as to why she is acting like an idiot in class.

I told her I was disappointed, because these are behaviors she had in 7th grade, and then improved in so much in 8th grade, her teachers were so proud. I told her I always thought it was a bid to get attention, but that confused me because her father and I give her loads of attention. I also said it seemed like she has lots of friends now, so where is the lack of attention. Then she said they're not really friends. I said, oh, are they being mean? And no, they're not, but she feels as if they're not really friends because they don't do things outside of school.

I pointed out that she has volleyball practice every school day until 6:00, at which point everyone goes home to their families, and this does not mean she doesn't have real friendships. I reminded her I said I would be happy to have girls over our house, and she said there's nothing to do. I told her that was ridiculous, that when I was her age, we watched movies, I hosted dinner parties (foodie from the start!), we listened to music and talked. I reminded her I offered to take her and her friends to a DePaul Women's Volleyball game, but she hadn't written me back about that. She said she wanted to do that, but didn't know what day. I asked her what she might do to find out. She didn't know! I said, "Here's where you say, 'Mom, I like the DePaul idea, when can we go?'" and she did repeat it. I told her we need only look at the schedule on the computer and set a date.

I do think she has anxiety because she doesn't know how to have female friendships. I told her I know a great deal about forming friendships, and I'd be happy to teach her. She didn't respond to that, but it is interesting that she also didn't say, "What do YOU know about it?" or give me a sarcastic "Good for you!", or an eye roll.

I wonder if some of her feelings of inadequacy as a young woman in the friend department--and she has giant deficiencies there, really--made seeking out the gangster boy more appealing. From her horrendous past, one thing she does know about is how to attract gross people.

I am so, so grateful I worked on the grade issue years ago. I told my mother-in-law about the grades, and honest to Pete, she was more upset about that than the sneaking out! I remained calm, and asked her about what her plans were to rectify the situation. She said she would work on writing down her assignments (do foster kids ever learn this basic skill?). On the behavior angle, she said she would stop talking and pay attention. I said that was a great goal, but how to achieve it? What drove her to do it? How could she meet that need in another way that didn't get her kicked out of Catholic school and into homeschooling at our dining room table? That got a big "I don't know," and I think that's probably true.

Tonight, I went to the school fundraiser, and saw the P.E. teacher at the ticket counter. He's a nice guy and a soccer player like my husband. He's an athlete, and so are we, and it's just embarassing that my daughter is such a tool in his class. She's a gifted athlete, which other athletes can see at a glance. She loves sports, so it really, really is weird that she's failing that one. SIGH!

I really like the school, the teachers, the alumnae I was with tonight. They have such loyalty to the school, such a belief in the value of educating young women to be strong and independent contributors to society. They insist that every student go to college. The young women who were ushering and taking tickets and otherwise assisting were SO poised and polite and self-confident. Maybe it is these very qualities that make my daughter feel like a fish out of water who might as well ruin things for herself right away. Anyway, I would like to be part of this community. I think it is sad that she might get herself kicked out and deprive herself of this great experience.

No one will be holding reunions of the Tybee Home School Class of 2013, I can tell you that! UGhhhhhhh!

[tybeemarie]

I haven't responded to people's excellent questions and comments!

Barksum, you are right, it is very significant that my little one told on her sister on something big, and I really need to affirm that for her. Amy oldest hasn't yet retaliated, perhaps because I told her that she is looking at very severe punishment if she tries to draw her brother and sister into her stupid decision-making. I pointed out that at this rate, she could end up raped, dead, pregnant, what have you, and if any of these things happened to her, and she asked her siblings to keep mum about it and they did, it would kill them. I will be a bear to deal with if she goes after my tiny, I'll tell you that.

Kay, her response to my hitting the roof when I found her was to come up with one ridiculous lie--that she was on her way to school--abandon it when I denounced it as a pile of manure (ahem!), and then she just shut down. She's not much of a talker.

And I am just horrified by the idea that once they start sneaking out, it's pretty much over. I can see the truth of that, but until I get an IUD in this child, I will do all I can to win this cops and robbers game.

Sistomany, so far, my daughter is not a gang member, and she didn't know this loser was until I wrote her and told her. And yes, definitely, this has all gone on behind my back. I think gangs are the scum of the earth, cesspools of human suffering.

Perfect7, I agree, a door alarm is a priority. I am going to see what technological advances have been made since I last installed door alarms. Additionally, we have a Brinks alarm system, but the alarm is enough to wake the dead. Literally, most of our block would be awoken. First, I am going for the door alarm.

The one other definite plan I have is talking to a contraception clinic at the University of Chicago, which is supposed to specialize in complex contraceptive issues, and I would think this qualifies.

She really is a mixed bag. The fact that she was willing to talk about her poor grades and hard time advancing friendships represents progress. She was interested in the musical we saw, which was a production of the classic kids' book, 100 Dresses. She was polite enough to the other family, which is good, because they love her. She was pretty good at dinner at the restaurant.

She told me that tomorrow she and my youngest were going to take out the braids she had put in her hair--this will be a big project, and is something she is doing because her father and I don't like them. To me, they signal her allegiance to her insanely abusive former foster parent, an African-American woman who braided her birth relatives' hair, but rarely my daughter's. I would like her to feel good about being Mexican. She is really an unbelievably beautiful girl, it is sad she doesn't simply take her beauty for granted. Literally not a month goes by without someone going out of their way to marvel to me about my daughter's extravagant beauty. SIGH!

It's so hard to calibrate the right mental attitude towards these kids. How much hope do you cultivate? On one hand, if we don't have a positive vision for our kids, who will? They certainly don't know how to do that. On the other hand, these type of choices do not spell out future success, to put it mildly. One day at a time is probably the way to go.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, and Lucy, boarding school sounds very tempting. SIGH!

[Peggy]

My dd has many of the same issues as your daughter. It is a slow process turning it around and I don't know if I am being succesful. Don't forget condoms, My dd is on contraception, but she also has condoms to prevent disease. She attended an aids awareness class and got her condoms there, so I did not have to buy any. I had mixed feelings about the condoms, but I do not want her to get aids and while she is working on control and saying no, it is not always a sure thing.

[chickymum]

Originally Posted by tybeemarie

I hate this adjustment period I have after my kids do some new bad thing. That feeling of, "Oh! I knew they were bad, but not THIS bad! I will have to change my life to accomodate this. How?" And then, the realization that you knew you never understood your child, but wow, did you underestimate how damaged she is!

I struggle with this also. I swear this and this alone is giving me grey hairs. It is a horrible feeling and I don't think I have seen this stressful emotion put to words before. Although, even when it seems DD is really trying to do well and I just can't understand why I still feel resentment, then something happens and this feeling comes but mixed with it is the reminder of why I was resentful even when she was beeing good, because deep down I knew another bad thing would happen worse than the last.

[millie58]

Not sure how you'd feel about the all-girls school but some school districts pay for students to attend RTC's. Under the "No Child Left Behind", if a student needs a setting the school can't provide, the school district has to pay.

with the disorganization: has she been evaluted for ADD/ADHD? My 11 yo is on Strattera and it's worked wonders.

Good luck!!!