[mommytoEli]

what is the psychology behind it?

my dd (adopted 6+ years ago, RAD) used to hoard food...i get that one. but what about trash?

i've noticed the last year or so that i always find like a secret stock pile of trash hidden in her closet. i always go through it because...well...it is weird, so i thought maybe she is hiding something. i've only ever found "one" really "good" thing in her trash, and that was just her normal trash, not the hidden trash. i never find anything interesting in the hidden trash. about a month ago, i go up, there it is again- a hidden pile of trash. a HUGE kitchen trashbag full of old assignments and drafts of letters she wrote to friends but must have perfected and these are the rejects. i read every letter and touched every piece of trash. i put it on her floor and did not bag it back up. i reminded her trash/recycling goes outside, and to please bag it up and take care of it. today i go up, and it is HIDDEN in her closet again....under her hamper, behind stuff, hidden. like it was harder for her to hide it there than it was to walk it outside. i go through it again, it is the exact same trash as it was before. i go through the same motions, but this time watch as dd takes it outside. she has no explanation.

WHY HIDE IT?

please help me understand!

[AmyAnne]

Mine used to take the batteries out of everything and hoard those. To this day he cannot explain WHY he did this.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

Mine used to take the batteries out of everything and hoard those. To this day he cannot explain WHY he did this.

alright...well, as long as i'm not the only one with a child who can't explain why.

[aspenhall]

Fear of Loss....
Like, deep down he doesn't trust that it isn't important, because WHAT IF? then there' regrets...

My dd has HUGE issues with loss of any sort. Thankfully she's pretty well past the hoarding stage. But she too collects garbage, like real trash. She puts it in an "art project" bag...Tells me she can re-use it (part of the go green/earth friendly curriculum these days).

Being of a "I'm a throwaway" mentality may have something to do with it. Like it's so bad for them, they can't perpetrate it on something/someone else. Like an inability to cause the same hurt they feel. especially soemthing that WAS useful, and is no longer useful. Like they can't separate objects from people in their minds/emotions.

[lucyjoy]

My son use to steal the trash from the kitchen and hide it in his closet. I think he had such distrust of people that he needed to go threw it.

My youngest puts trash in his dresser. No clue why.

I think they have trouble discarding things. If it helps, my kitchen trash hoarder outgrew it or lost his need for it as he got older.

[arkansas parent]

A few days ago I was looking for something in our bio-daughters room. I found a ton of trash stashed in her room. Old homework, food wrappers, old notes, empty packages,etc. When I asked her why she had a lunch meat package in her dresser she laughed and said she was too lazy to put it in the trash. T does it too. His closet has old toy packages, bit of scribbled paper,etc. I MAKE them get trash bags a clean up all the trash every few months. I have caught our daughter puttin it right back where it was instead of in the trash. She said she doesn't want to take the time to sort through everything.
I'm not trying to dismiss what your child is doing ,but it may be "normal" kid stuff.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by arkansas parent

I'm not trying to dismiss what your child is doing ,but it may be "normal" kid stuff.

i only dismiss the normalness of it bc she hides it....and it is so well hidden that it takes much more effort to hide it than throw it out. it was already sorted and gone through. it was trash. i really think that if i didn't go in there once a month and search for hidden trash she would eventually have a collection that overtook her room. she does seem to have a strange connection to her trash, like because it is "HER" trash. she does not leave trash out and about. she doesn't just stash a piece, her room looks pretty clean....it is like she collects it, and then hides it. as far as i know, this is a recent (within the past year) thing. as a family, we have experienced alot of loss in the last year and ahalf (2 deaths in our family, 3 moves- 1 out of state away from everyone we know, 2 school changes), on top of the incredible losses she sufferred as a child.

Being of a "I'm a throwaway" mentality may have something to do with it. Like it's so bad for them, they can't perpetrate it on something/someone else. Like an inability to cause the same hurt they feel. especially soemthing that WAS useful, and is no longer useful. Like they can't separate objects from people in their minds/emotions.

that's kind of deep for a piece of trash...lol...but it actually makes a lot of sense. thanks for the insight. i think that applies here.

so other than continuing to go in, find it, and have her take it out, any advice? do you think having her collect something ELSE would be of value?

[Jo Ellen]

MommytoEli,

As an adoptee may I suggest you reading The Primal Wound. There is a chapter in the book that discusses why adoptees hoard things. As a child I was a hoarder and at the time I didnt understand why but after reading about it I realize it has to do with the fact we as adoptees have fear of loss. We lost our bmoms when we were relinquished and having anything that is ours is of great importance even if it is trash. Even now I have a difficult time getting rid of some things but as I have gotten older and even since I found my bparents nearly four years ago it has become easier to part with things I thought I needed to keep. I hope this helps you understand your daughters need of keeping things.

[mommytoEli]

thank you for that suggestion. i will take it. what you say makes sense. thank you for sharing.

[crick]

If there is no food trash in there, it's just trash, would you be willing to let her have a bag hidden in her room? Just tell her "I don't understand the reason why you have to have this, but it seems important to you so as long as the trash fits in this bag and there's no food, I'm okay with you having it". Would that be okay with you?

I think sometimes kids just do stuff and while yes, there's a lot more going on here than "just trash", it seems important to her.

Who knows? Maybe as a kid she never got to collect anything. Kids collect so much stuff when younger and it's part of them owning things and having something they see as special all to their own. Or it's as simple as liking pretty rocks and just need to have every single one they see. (my youngest..sigh) And who knows? Maybe she collects trash because she doesn't think she's worthy of having anything truly special.

Guess my thinking is if you can't figure out the motivation, maybe try another way which is to allow it and then see if the motivation appears once she has permission to have it? As well as give you a break from this battle too. I imagine you have to spend a lot of time going through it all and you could be getting a pedi!

[mommytoEli]

lol....my fear in letting her continue to hoard trash is it isn't a healthy hobby. no, there is no food trash. i just tend to parent her with the end goal in mind...as an adult, i don't want her to feel like she can't ever throw out her trash.....i'd rather redirect her to something else if she really has the need to hoard. a lady with a thousand pencils or figurines is not as creepy as a lady with a thousand bags of trash. lol. that being said, i was looking for advice, and that is honestly not something i have tried. so i will consider it. it seems silly to allow my daugher to collect trash....lol...but what about my life IS normal? lol.

[crick]

Well, hopefully the end result you are looking for will eventually happen. If she can have a collection and the hiding aspect is taken away, as well as you working on the behavioral aspect involved, maybe that's the way to show her how to have a true collection. I dunno...I'm just throwing stuff out there. lol!

Maybe too, you could start a collection for her by giving her the first item of whatever you think she might like.

I'm not a collector person so I never quite understand the general idea behind having 100 things of the same but slightly different item. So take my suggestions lightly... LOL!

[Barksum]

Perhaps a box or a 3-ring binder that can hold X number of papers? So it isn't a fire hazard, etc.

Dh was raised in foster care and aged out. He's lost most of anything he ever had as a child. He tends to be a pack rat. When we first met he never (ever) took off his coat. He has always (since I've known him) been very protective of HIS things. He's learning to lend and to share, but he does keep track. (I'm making him sound like a child, and he isn't!)

In theory he now has reached a place where we are supposed to be getting rid of stuff. I say in theory because when I do box things up to give away he will pull stuff back out again. BUT he is doing better!

I asked if he hoarded things as a kid and he said, "Probably." His parents are deceased so I can't ask them, more's the pity. LOL But I know he kept ALL his toys and stuff until they were lost in a move. I'm thinking he probably did hoard something, somewhere along the line. He's doing way better now than when we first met 20 years ago.

Patience and finding ways to work through and live with some hoarding (like having A BOX of things) seems to help.

[mommytoEli]

i like the idea of a box or binder. thanks.

[kretzklan]

Each child has one box (I choose the size) - it started out large (like those rubbermaid) and got smaller as we went along. If you watch TV with her - try to watch Hoarders on A&E...don't tell her you're watching it because of her. My kids watched it once - I never said a word (other than the sounds of horror that would fly out of me when you see this stuff on there) and I noticed that they both cleaned out their boxes the next day. At this point they are down to mostly small toys (happy meal stuff) and papers they want to keep. I'm a complete throw away gal - so even this small amount was/is hard for me...
I have told them that anything I find in their rooms that is not neccessary and not in that box will go in the trash - and I follow through. It's interesting to see them realize that losing a lego (for it being on the floor) or a finished coloring book does not kill them!