[akcskye]

My kids are 12 and 13, and lately, it seems like they've just turned against me.

Money has been short because I have been off work due to a bad back.

Now, I'm finding out that either they've made up (they are adopted, BTW, no worries of CW involvement) or someone has told them that money is short because I go to a casino and spend it all!

OH MY GOSH...I am SO angry and saddened by these accusations!!!

See, at one time, I used to evaluate, and still do, from time to time, casinos under my own business called Morning Sun Enterprises, pretending to be a customer and sending them (the Native Casinos I contract out for) back reports...but I do not just go and play for myself, and certainly would NEVER blow my whole paycheck if I ever was someone who wanted to play.

I've worked in that environment long enough to know that this just isn't something that anyone should get involved in and preach it to my kids.

Anyway, the accusations have gotten so bad that the kids say they don't trust me, call me a liar to my face, and they want my husband to divorce me.

I can honestly say at this point and time, I don't WANT to be a mom right now, but I love my kids, and it's killing me.

I don't smile anymore. I don't care anymore. I think everyone loves the fact that I am just a ***** all the time...gives them more ammunition to use against me.

I mean, I can't even tell my kids one thing (if it's not how great they are) without a huge backlash.

For instance, last night I told my son I didn't want him in the front yard, but he could be in the back yard, but to come through the house to get to the back yard.

He refused to, wanted to stay in the front yard, and then went around the side of the house to the back yard, and then started laughing that I was angry with his out and out refusal.

So, I told him that he needed to come inside for a time out being he chose to not follow the rules, and then he got defiant, flat out refused to, and I literally had to grab his shirt and pull him into the house and onto the bed.

When I do try to talk to either one that is in trouble, the other comes in and they start laughing and taunting.

This all has just happened in the last 2 months, but I am afraid this isn't just normal 12 and 13 year old behavior...just out of considering their past.

You know, even if the accusations about the gambling were true, and they are 100% not...why are they behaving this way toward me, the one who DOES provide for them and is always there for them...yet revere the mother whom they were taken away from who allowed them to get molested and all other sorts of things?

I have literally cried my last tears I am so upset...I don't know WHAT to do...go ahead and divorce my husband and walk off without looking back, try to make it work, or what?

I just know that right now, I bet I am going into depression over this, and I just got out of that a year ago when I got prescribed a mild antidepressant for the constant pain in my back.

I'm not happy, I'm not myself...but I am not a gambler that is blowing our money, making our bills get turned off (which hasn't happened, so where did that come from, you know?), and being dishonest with my family.

I know we have a problem, Houston, just where do I go from here?

[momof9wantingmore]

I know how kids issues can really affect a marriage. What does your husband have to say about the whole thing.

[greenrobin]

First, I understand that you are venting, and rightfully so.

Second, 12 and 13 yr old people are insane to start with. Whoever they were is not who they are right now.

Third, I'd be looking for the culprit. It might take some therapeutic help to get to the truth, but by golly, somebody would be seeing my happy hiney at their door with an order to cease and desist, assuming the kids heard it. If they made it up, I'd be addressing the root issue of that as well.

Finally, it sounds like you might already be there with the depression thing. Brain chemistry is a funny thing. You might want to have a visit with your doctor and talk about what's going on. Not smiling, grouching, and being known as a bodily orifice tends to indicate the need for a little help.

You know as well as anyone that they revere their first mother because they are biologically part of her. To hate her, they hate part of themselves. They are putting their anger on you--transference. You're handy. The pain has to go somewhere. Plus, they're at the age when they are going through another questioning of identity. They've fantasized a wonderful birthmom who lost them through no fault of her own. We're not there yet, but I hear that, unfortunately, is pretty normal for our kids.

Again, therapeutic intervention might be a good plan.

I'm so very sorry that you are under attack. And I'll bet that some of the wonderfully experienced and caring folks on here who have far more ideas than I do will have much better suggestions than these. You're not alone--even if we are just a virtual community, But we're here.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[AmyAnne]

I would recommend an attachment therapist ASAP

Also, the book "Parenting with Love and Logic for teens" by Foster Kline

[sassafras]

I am sorry. Teenagers at the worst! Just know you are not the first parent to have this happen! I just keep telling myself when they are older they will appreciat me! I agree they heard that somewhere and I would get to the bottom of it. Maybe family therapy?

[sundara]

By Keck and Kopecky, as it is specifically about traumatized children and why 'normal' parenting techniques do not work well.

I agree with poster above, therapy for the kids is a must (if you have sibs, did they get subsidy/medicaid? That can help with the bills).

My kids started acting out in the teen years - for the almost 3 years prior they acted fine, but it gradually became VERY chaotic. I wish I had read this book then before it was so late into their teen years & I was tearing my hair out.

And yes, please let us know what your hubby says about this - one of the chapters in Parenting the Hurt Child is all about why the kids tend to unleash everything at Mom, and why Dads are often clueless as to what is going on.

PS you can get this in paperback or hardback, paperback is cheaper.

Here are some hugs for you during this tough time.

[shy_bear]

My first thought is where is your husband during all of this? Has he spoken with them and are the two of you presenting a united front?

[kakuehl]

Kristi,
It sounds to me like you are already in a depression, triggered by your back and "encouraged" by the kids' behavior.

They are 12 and 13 which is challenging anyway. Do you think the change in your financial (and physical) condition may be frightening for them? Are they trying you to see if you will keep them?

[lucyjoy]

If my sons were talking to me like that, I would sell the TV an tell them that I needed more money for the casino. Refusing to come in? Not a good plan for him. If my sons say mean things too me, I wait. Then when they want something, I remind them what a lousy mom they have so they are unfortunately, out of luck for whatever it is they want.



Up your anti-depressants cause this sounds like it is the beginning of a bumpy ride.



These kids are being really horrible and you need to let them know what you will and will not allow in your home. I have no problem assuming a child who treats a parent this way has way too much. I am happy to eliminate their belongings, and stop their social lives until they remember how to behave in a respectful manner.



Hang in there. Your husband needs to step in and let your children know that they cannot treat HIS wife this way. If they have been unkind to you, HE needs to let them know he will be taking care of you and not taking them places or spending time with them.



Hope things get better soon.

[akcskye]

Well, apparently my husband inadvertently planted the seed when he said, in frustration, that he guessed I must be going to the casino and spending the money cause we never seem to have any, rather than the truth...that his paycheck, without me working, just doesn't cut it (apparently us wanting to create a facade of stability in this scary time backfired on us).

The kids took that and ran with it.

It seems apparently that my husband has been bad-mouthing me, and I don't know if he "meant" it or not.

The man is a good man, but now I'm even more hurt.

Perhaps it's time for family counseling, even though I'd never ever thought I'd have to say that.

The kids are gonna believe what they want, obviously, but I cannot let them go that easily. I love them, I want them to trust me. I tell the truth about everything. It pains me to the core to know that they would believe something so stupid so easily.

See, I can't take anything away from them. They don't have much and what they've had in the past, their birth mother always lost.

They are making her into a saint, and me a vile, vicious person.

I'll keep you guys updated, but I'm just SICK with grief today. It makes you wonder why you even are around for...God's whipping stick?

[bethy724]

Your husband has NO BUSINESS talking about you to your children about adult problems-time for a family meeting or therapy. Parents have to have a united front & not buddy up w/ the children against you. Sounds like he needs parenting classes - not sure if the problem is w/ the kids.
I'm sorry this is happening to you & your family.

[aspenhall]

Yeah, hubby would be in the DOG HOUSE BIG TIME for that one...in fact he did say jokingly some things the looked like it was ok for my dd to disrespect me. I had it out with him and basically "quit" until he could make it right.

If he wanted to take the power from me, then HE got 100% of the responsibility. And zero respect from me. It was long before he started cracking down HARD on her disrespect of me. It worked and we're fine now....but it was really really bad for a while.