[sunshinemomma]

Just wondering if anyone else has dissolved or disrupted an adoption and the impact that had on your family, especially a sib. How have you been able to handle it?

We adopted a brother and sister 6 & 7yrs old. Brother ended up having severe RAD. Our family was in crisis almost the entire time he was with us - 3 yrs. We worked with an attachment therapist for 2.5 yrs. He was desperate to leave and committed to doing whatever it would take to leave. We finally agreed and dissolved the adoption and relinquished him back into foster care.

The first year and a half was horrendous. We live in a small community and everyone knew. My daughter still went to school with him for 3 months {I did lunch duty there}. The social worker or foster mom would come pick him up. My daughter was terrified they would nab her. The kids at school would ask my daughter why her brother left all the time. He wouldn't speak to her {and hadn't for 10 months at home}. Parents blamed me and many either ignored me completed or tore strips off of me about not loving him.

I did have some friends at school that stood by me and the teachers were amazing because they got what had been going on and were incredibly supportive. I had kids at that school for 5 yrs so they knew me pretty well and his teacher was an adoptive Mom of older kids herself.

Anyway - the foster family he went to were not very supportive. They also blamed me and wanted to rescue him. They made every visit and situation fight between the kids {him against her, us against them}and didn't seem to notice his manical behaviors. They threatened my daughter with never seeing him again if she {and I} didn't agree to doing what he wanted to do on visits. Huge outings that we were uncomfortable with {because he would become manic and sister couldn't connect with him at all}.

It was a heartbreakingly awful time for all involved.

Finally after no contact for 6 months we had to fight and fight the sw for daughter to have contact with him. Turns out the foster family had had him moved.

He is currently in a foster to adopt situation with a single Dad. It is a much better family situation for him. He is a much happier child. He is starting to attach. Dad is strong and does not put up with much. His sees the truth and isn't trying to be a rescuer.

We have wonderful visits and the sibs are much more relaxed and natural with one another. He gives me a hug hello and good bye. New Dad and I are able to have open and honest conversations. We both want what is best for both kids. The kids both see that and we talk about it with them.

After 4.5 yrs it is the way it should be. Our family is healed and our daughter is doing amazingly well. Her brother is in the right home and family for him. Sometimes the journey takes you to h*ll and back but for us we have finally come to a great place and are very grateful to be here!!

Sunshinemomma

[greenrobin]

I'm glad you're finding help, healing and closure. It must have been a completely heartbreaking decision.

Unfortunately, no one really saw what was happening in your home and cannot understand the level of pain everyone was in. Ignorance is not bliss for those of us on the receiving end!

[Tudu]

Thank you for sharing that.

[kretzklan]

That is a story that we all need to hear from time to time. It is so condemning to disrupt...but as in your case - it was the best thing, even for the young man. I hope that the communication stays open and works for long term!

[SAHmom]

Thanks so much for posting! I don't often read about how a situation like yours turns out.

We were in a similiar situation only we didn't disrupt the adoption. I often wonder if things had been different if we had. Instead, our son spent time in an RTC until he aged out.

Once, again, thanks!

[sunshinemomma]

Thanks all. It is a hard story to share and has taken me a long time to be able to. It is only because it has finally worked out so well that I am able to "Know" that it was the right thing for both him and the rest of my family.
SM

[wornout]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

Unfortunately, no one really saw what was happening in your home and cannot understand the level of pain everyone was in. Ignorance is not bliss for those of us on the receiving end!

I agree wholeheartedly!!!!!!!

[waited2long]

Wow! It really was nice to read about a disruption that is working out for ALL involved! I really appreciate your having shared this. Thank you!