[guatmom4113]

We adopted our dd 2 1/2 years ago now. We met with a couple of counselors who were clueless. I talked with our pediatrician who was less than eager to put her on meds. We have been coping, not knowing what else to do, and not having tons of finances to be able to handle ALL her needs. I would say the main psychological issue for her is RAGE. She also must be in control at all times. She lies about everything, which I believe is a defense because she lies when the truth is completely obvious. She has no photos of herself except for the ones taken at school because she will not allow us to take her picture. Affection is on her terms. Her hugs often hurt because she squeezes so hard. Her behavior is inappropriate. The other day she punched the wall because she was angry. I met one of her teachers and asked questions about her class so I would know what my dd could expect and informed the teacher about where she stands in her subject area. My dd became enraged and punched the wall when she got home. She also uses curse words, which I do not like. (DD is 13). I adopted a child because I wanted someone I could love who would love me back. This is a heartbreak on so many levels.

[Howdy]

I'm sorry you are having a rough period. My dd just turned 13 and she also has a lot of anger issues. And she uses curse words too. I so much sympathize with you about not liking it.

We changed therapists MANY times before we found the current therapist who seems to really have a clue! It is very exciting to finally find a therapist my daughter will talk to. The therapist is an EMDR type (I think those are the initials, tho so far the sessions use something like EFT tapping).

Do you just have all bad times and no good times? With my daughter we have really good times, and then really bad times. During the bad times I am miserable and wonder why I adopted. My daughter rejects me nonstop during the bad times. I suppose a lot of it is the age, I think I read (a few years ago) that 13 is the age when girls separate psychologically from their mothers.

Add the natural urge to separate to the trauma issues and attachment issues and what a mess it all is!

My kid gets abusive when she is angry. She doesn't hit but she will block me from going where I want and she will get into my space (like, nose to nose!) and yell at me and call me bad names. Usually I can keep my cool and behave well, but a few times I have descended to her level. That turned out very badly!

But I think my daughter is starting to understand that it makes me furious to be treated like that. And it helps me understand why she has anger issues (because she was abused for years).

My dd has rather severe PTSD, but thank goodness the attachment is pretty healthy. I was lucky to have her as a foster child for a half a year when she was 7 yrs old, and I did a lot of attachment activities with her, and the attachment persisted even though she was sent on to birth-relatives and suffered more abuse before returning the following year.

Were you able to do a lot of attachment activities with your daughter before she hit the teenage years?

It is interesting that your daughter hugs so hard it hurts. I read once that one of the benefits to fathers wrestling with their young children is that it teaches the children not to go to the point of hurting the other person. Perhaps your daughter never got to engage in healthy wrestling when she was little.

If you want to be loved back, I'd recommend a pet. From what I've read I think we have to give up hope of being loved back by our children until they finish their teenage years (and are well into their 20s). I sometimes feel tempted to look into adopting another (younger) child so I can have all that affection again, but then I remind myself that they don't stay young long and then I'd have to deal with another teenager! ha!

[greenrobin]

Originally Posted by Howdy

From what I've read I think we have to give up hope of being loved back by our children until they finish their teenage years (and are well into their 20s).

I've had the privilege of raising 4 kids to 13. They've all lived through it. The 4th one still has some time on his sentence, but it looks like he'll make it to 14!

I'm not making fun of your troubles. It's just that 13 is a pretty rough year for kids in general. Individuation. It's a bear. Throw in a few emotional issues and you have the makings of some really big stuff.

Our 3rd child, N, has bipolar, ODD and ADHD. The rages were unbelievable. Screaming, wall punching, people baiting, destruction--btdt. He's 21 now, still gets mad, but has learned that the police don't take too kindly to a 6'3" baby having a tantrum! He's doing well.

Our girls, who are older, are both relatively calm, fun young people. When they were 13? It was hard to recognize them--and they had zero emotional issues.

And, yes, if you can get past the issues, they generally come back to where they used to be emotionally. I love you is something we say every time we part--in person or on the phone. The girls are good about returning it. N says, "Ah, you" or "Uh-huh." It's progress!

Do look for a different therapist who is skilled with the teenage anger/depression issue. Lots of kids have it, but our kids are tough. We don't have a whole lot of options on types of therapies available here, but there are good people who are willing to work with you and your family to help you. Never be afraid to change therapists if the one you have isn't working.

[kretzklan]

I couldn't tell from your post if she has any diagnosis or if you are still searching. It doesn't sound like attachment is all the way 'there' yet? Have you tried an actual attachment therapist? My DD (10 years old) sounds much like yours - the control is ridiculous and it's the biggest barrier to her becoming part of us. Her AT tells us that in her mind she will die is she cedes control. While that still makes NO sense to me - I can see where that kind of feeling must make her do crazy things (and yes, she does crazy things). Lying is a huge part of most RAD kids lives. I find the fact that she was angry about a teacher 'finding out' about her level, etc. - very telling. It took away her ability to triangulate or manipulate the teacher - my DD hates, hates, hates that I tell people about the issues openly and honestly (and in front of her if she happens to be there). Remember that the wrong therapy can be worse than no therapy. I would not say that she should be alone with a therapist right now as the lying shows that little will come of that. You will probably need to find a child psychiatrist for meds - many primary care docs shy away...

[aspenhall]

Anger is just fear finding a way out. Something is seriously terrifying her. Would she allow you to explore it with her?
I took a long shot and started actually discussing things with my dd in hopes of figuring it out and it did wonders. She was only 5-6 however, not hormonal.

[lovemy6]

There is still hope with the RIGHT therapy!

My dd was 15 when we started with an attachment therapist. He helped us save our relationship. My dd is great now. We wasted a big part of five years going to talk therapists whom she snowed.

[guatmom4113]

Thank you for those of you who responded. It is comforting to know others have been there as well. I also have a son who was adopted at 19 mos of age who is now 17 years old. I understand teenagers have a need to separate emotionally from their parents. I understand that and respect that as part of their natural process of reaching adulthood. My son was difficult at times going thru that stage, but it is nothing like this in comparison . . . This is not separating. This is rejecting . . . Are there good times? Unfortunately, they are very few. She likes it when I take her shopping . . . Basically, she is angry because her mother gave her away, or "sold" her as she says, and I am the target of that rage . . .

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by guatmom4113

Basically, she is angry because her mother gave her away, or "sold" her as she says, and I am the target of that rage . . .

That is what it took us 1 1/2 years to work through I was going to be "just like her" so why even try to care about me She had made up her mind from the beginning that she was going to put walls up around her heart for protection and that she was going to reject me before I did her. Once we were able to work through all of that, she finally did attach. Now we have a well bonded, loving 18 year old dd

Your dd is worth the work. Don't give up hope!

[Lorraine123]

I am a firm believer that a child must process their trauma before anything else can be resolved. She cannot accept you as her mother until this happens. She will continue to push you away through lies, rages and manipulation. Find an attachment therapist that specializes in childhood trauma. Realize that a traditional therapist cannot help with this. It is hard for the child to break through that wall and get the trauma out, and only a true expert can do it. I would interview attachment therapists in your area. Don't let her see a therapist without you in the room. Otherwise, she will use lies to get around the root of the issue.