[jayzable]

I am coming closer and closer to an adoptive placement of a RAD 10 year old. I've been on the boards reading, reading, reading ... read Nancy Thomas books, Foster Cline, etc. Of course while some of the parenting techniques seem a little extreme (for extreme children, I'm sure), I'm wondering what specifically really worked for you, and what didn't. Would love to hear some successes, both big and small, toward bonding.

Thanks!!!

[lucyjoy]

There is no one way to parent an attachment disordered child. I'd recommend adding Katherine Leslie to your reading list as well. She uses a coaching approach that I really like.

My advice from MY exeprience

1. Look at your child's face everyday. (Sounds dumb to say but when a kid is throwing constant hate at you, it's easier not to look) I could tell by one look what kind of a day it was going to be. But I could also see the rage and the fear that were there.

2. NEVER lie to your child. Even little things. Attachment is based on trust and if you lie, how can they trust you? You will be tested. Rules need enforcing from day ONE. That does NOT mean infractions are punished. I am not bit on that. But, don't ignore. Thing like "Nice try" or "Do we need to cover the rules again?" are fine for responding. The child wants to know if you are paying attention and if you mean what you say.

3. Do things that encourage positive touching. Paint each other's faces. put on music and dance or something. Expect to need to teach your child, even at 10, how to play. I spent lots of time laying on my kids beds or on the floor just talking to them. They don't know what normal kids their age do. I talked about what I did at their age.

4. Don't lecture, it doesn't work.

5. Don't warn them ahead of time where you are going or what you are doing. It gives them time to sabatoge. I think the waiting is so stressful for them and their fear of the unknown so great that if they have too much time to think about it, they can't do it.

6. Don't put too many things in their room at once. For some kids, their brains are moving so fast that too much clutter or too much for them to take care of is overwhelming and they will often destroy their things. It is much easier to add things as they can handle them then to have to strip down their rooms or take things away.

7. The child HAS to have GOOD attachment therapy to address the trauma and YOU need to be part of that. If you have any lingering issues or buttons that can be pushed, YOU need to deal with them cause your kids will find them. They look for your weakness-not because they are mean, but because they are scared and need to know you are tough enough to handle all the pain and rage that is within them. If you can crack, you can't keep them safe.

Good luck.

[kretzklan]

I have little advice in what works as I don't think we've come very far.
What hasn't worked:
1. Reward systems - they just don't care, nor do they want to do what they need to - no reward is big enough.
2. Letting them know they hurt me. It lets them win. It's hard, because I find my emotions sitting on the surface due to all the stress. I've actually seen them smile on the occassions that I've cried.
3. lecturing
4. Expecting them to connect anything in a common sense fashion. They do the same 'incorrect behaviors' over and over and are still stunned when they receive a consequence for them.
5. Expecting change. I just have to wake each morning and assume we'll be where we were yesterday. I used to wake up hoping for positive movement - but this simply may be where we are forever.

[Dhewco]

To recap me, I'm waiting until out of college before I proceed. That said.

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

My advice from MY exeprience

1. Look at your child's face everyday. (Sounds dumb to say but when a kid is throwing constant hate at you, it's easier not to look) I could tell by one look what kind of a day it was going to be. But I could also see the rage and the fear that were there.

2. NEVER lie to your child. Even little things. Attachment is based on trust and if you lie, how can they trust you? You will be tested. Rules need enforcing from day ONE. That does NOT mean infractions are punished. I am not bit on that. But, don't ignore. Thing like "Nice try" or "Do we need to cover the rules again?" are fine for responding. The child wants to know if you are paying attention and if you mean what you say.

3. Do things that encourage positive touching. Paint each other's faces. put on music and dance or something. Expect to need to teach your child, even at 10, how to play. I spent lots of time laying on my kids beds or on the floor just talking to them. They don't know what normal kids their age do. I talked about what I did at their age.

Something that worries me. I wasn't that normal a kid. Didn't have many friends after about sixth grade, didn't party, barely did I register on the social scene in high school...so, how do I 'advise' a teenager who's having the same problem? I think I'd be able to tell some stories about play and what I did when I was younger than sixth or seventh grade..but after that I just don't know.

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

4. Don't lecture, it doesn't work.

Okay, this will be hard. I guess I'll have to hope to be lucky and that when I put down RAD as a 'Don't want to handle' situation that I'll actually not be happen.

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

5. Don't warn them ahead of time where you are going or what you are doing. It gives them time to sabatoge. I think the waiting is so stressful for them and their fear of the unknown so great that if they have too much time to think about it, they can't do it.

Ditto for above...Part of the excitement of taking trips with kids is having them constantly ask "Is it time yet?" And, how do you plan a trip for a kid without leaking that something is up? Without lying, I mean?

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by Dhewco

And, how do you plan a trip for a kid without leaking that something is up? Without lying, I mean?

you tell them that you are going "somewhere", they need to bring x y or z....and they will find out when they get there. specific questions are met with statements like, "i will tell you when it is time to know." not rudely...just matter of fact. for us....the kids are old enough to know why we do this. even my RAD kid knows deep down she sabotages things, and is even at the point that she will admit that sometimes it is best for her NOT to know. lol.

what hasn't worked- yelling. lecturing. making consequences logical. making connections so they can see why what they did is ridiculous. trying to get them to "understand" why what they did was wrong, behavior charts, reward systems, expressing hurt or dissapointment in their actions.

what has worked- making sure dh and i are on the same team at all times, making sure the kids know this to lessen the amount of triangulation, sending them to their room(works for ME, not for them....sometimes when I get a short break, i can regain the patience i need to resume battle), not giving the power to the child aka not letting their poor behavior dictate what the entire family will or will not do.

[momraine]

A couple of little things that help me. Do go in at night and look at the child when they are sleeping. If you are religious, this is a good time to pray for them. They look more innocent when they are asleep, so for me it helps me remember that it's a hurt child. Rocking chair time has been awesome.
As for high school, and social stuff, the child may not be ready for a while to have friends, and until the child is healed, high school parties will be a very, very bad idea. RAD kids don't have a normal sense of bounderies and may do things they should not do. My son cannot handle friends right now, he sabotages those relationships. Until you really know this kid and what she can handle, she will not be able to do sleepovers or even playdates. You need to work on teaching her to trust you first, then you can work on outside relationships.
Also don't take things personally if the child seems to be doing everything she can to push you away. She is probably trying to "break up with you, before you can break up with her".
Katherine Leslie did help me too.
Reading the book, "when a stranger calls you mom" helped me understand some of my own feelings toward my RAD son.

[jeffw]

When we figured out that we were dealing with RAD (4 months in to the placement) we totally changed the way we parent. Instead of anger, we try to show empathy. It isn't very hard anymore--by now we tend to anticipate the absolute worst and we are more creative than he is. We always keep him guessing about the consequences and upcoming activities. We have taken complete control over his life. Its not a punishment. It is an attempt to lessen the frequence of his feeling shame when he does bad things. He can't do nearly as many bad things anymore. We dish out his food and we pick his clothes each day. He doesn't play with his siblings unless we invite him to do so under careful supervision. We always know where he is and what he is doing. We have an alarm on his room. Lack of control is terrifying for him but through therapy he is learning that his new mom can make him feel safe anyway. He actually likes the safety that the rules provide

Finding good therapy is the most important thing. A lot of people say they deal with attachment issues but few specialize in it. It took us three tries. Our first did play therapy and that was worthless. Our second did Theraplay. I think it is probably good for milder cases. Our last therapist does Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (read the Daniel Hughes books) and it has been beneficial. Without this therapist we would have disrupted, no question.

[AmyAnne]

They're going to make you crazy. It will happen. I have something I say to myself when the limits are being pushed. "I will not hate this child until he is asleep and I will not continue to hate him in the morning". I don't actually HATE him, but there are plenty of times I dislike him.

[AmyAnne]

Also, learn your child's warning signs. There will be low-level warning signs that let you know their behavior is going downhill. One poster here has a child who will fake hiccup, and that's a warning sign. In my case things like running into things, falling down, having an action figure/car/stuffed animal fall off a "cliff" repeatedly, getting obsessive about food or refusing to eat a food he has always liked or giving reflective answers such as "What do you have to do for math homework today?" "math". are all warning signs that we need to interevene NOW. Another is seeing how close he can get to the rule without actually breaking it.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by momraine

A couple of little things that help me. Do go in at night and look at the child when they are sleeping. If you are religious, this is a good time to pray for them. They look more innocent when they are asleep, so for me it helps me remember that it's a hurt child. .

omg....i totally do this too. it helps to see your RAD child asleep and drooling....lol...seriously though...i do this to all my kids. for my RAD kid....and for days when my other kids push me to my limits and back...it is a good time for me to gather some compassion for them, their situation, and for me to find that patience i didn't think i had earlier in the day. it is my absolute favorite time of the day with them...in a weird way.

[Again!]

Recognizing that they are looking to produce strong emotion in you, preferable anger, because that fills their need for control. Don't give in to it.

Continually changing the consequences. Natural consequences can be used, but not all the time and bizarre consequences are often the best (I'm going to give you a hug because you broke that vase, do 10 jumping jacks since you don't want to wear a coat, or whatever).

Realize that their whole lives revolve around control. Sometimes keeping that in perspective helps (and sometimes not!)

Build a network of trusted friends and tell them EVERYTHING. You may need them to testify for you and it will help keep you sane. Some of them will not believe you, be prepared and stick with the ones that do.

Keep a daily journal, documentation may save you.

Live your life so that you are above reproach, then you won't feel bad when CPS comes out.

Remember that the child the teacher sees may be a completely different child from what you see. Wait to find out what he/she does in school before you try to explain RAD to them in much detail. I like the solution of providing the sheets describing RAD to the teacher at the beginning of the year, and leaving it at that. Then once the kid starts acting out (if he/she does) you can have a conversation.

Take time for yourself.

[jayzable]

Thanks for all the input. She will be spending this weekend and next here. Hope I survive!!

[Drywall]

Again!...I appreciated your explanation of RAD and how to help a child get through it.

I came along before RAD was known and yet I can identify with many of the areas you describe.

I was adopted at 5 months and taken to a foreign country. At age 3, that first a-mom died. My a-dad became a single parent to a child he didn't want. For the next 2 years there was abandonment.

He married his 2nd wife when I was 5. When I was 7, my 2nd a-mom told me of the adoption...my world fell apart.

I was ashamed of being adopted. In a single chat I had lost my bonding and security...I was an outsider...not "unique"...not "better than"...simply "different FROM" my peers and others.

The foundation for the RAD had been laid. There was rage, frustration, and hatred combined with adult trust issues. Silently I was begging for help in my head...it went unnoticed...daily I begged for anything to provide a foundation to begin to believe there was stability, an end to the unknown and a belief that someone cared. What developed was terrible.

The hatred was universal...I didnt care...I hated adults because I didn't understand or trust them...I hated my peers because they were loved and cared for by a bio family. They had something I wanted and couldn't have.

There was unrecognizable grief and loss, and yet it made a contribution to the chaos. Nothing fit.

I couldn't go into the "unknown" gaps in my head to see what was missing, and yet it was all connected.

Gradually, over a long time, a healing or a resignation to the reality of the whole set of events begins. Anger and hatred starts to subside. It seems to be unknown to the child, but healing has begun. An inner strength forms. At some level, a small inner peace developes and the childs RAD becomes more manageable to them.

For those moms that are dealing with RAD, hopefully they will agree with your advice. What ever works to get a child through that terrible experience is worth doing.

I appreciated your comments....thanx for sharing.

I wish you the best.

[tybeemarie]

When you read Nancy Thomas, it does sound extreme, and the natural impulse is to say, surely I don't need to do all THAT. That was my reaction, anyway. However, I found that over time, I saw that life is indeed more manageable and, more importantly, more conducive to healing, if I set up my household as Nancy Thomas suggested. No one likes getting door alarms installed--nothing says we are not the Cleavers quite like door alarms. But truly, everyone feels safer.

Which brings me to a caveat on watching sleeping RAD children. Many of them were sexually abused in the night, and so an adult watching them as they sleep is likely to wake them up and freak them out. Also, I would venture to say almost none of us were given full disclosure of all our kids' issues before placement. It will likely take months and months to learn what the real challenges are. I didn't know my kids were sexually abused at first. One clue before they even disclosed this to me was when my daughter punched me IN HER SLEEP when I went in to kiss her good morning one morning.

I think door alarms are best for new placements--not only will you know when she leaves her room, SHE will know that no one is going to enter HER room without her knowing, and that might mean the first shot at sound sleep she's ever had in her life!

I believe in a ton of sleep for everyone involved--this is very stressful and takes a toll on your autoimmune system, so take the very best care of yourself possible.

Television is asking for trouble, particularly kids with PTSD. It is not worth it at all. Neither is popular music on the radio--lots of negative messages, but beyond that, the song you're listening to could have formed the soundtrack to past abuse. You're safe with classical music and world music, or at least I was.

Computer time, video games--all of this is a waste of time and a way for kids to check out and not attach. Plus, monitoring computers and television and radio means a further drain on your energy, and believe me, you'll need it for the daily, hourly, minute by minute emotional abuse you are about to undergo.

Forget about academics for the first year. You will destroy your relationship. It is very hard to pull this off, but really, no control battles over schoolwork. Leave that to the school, and what happens, happens.

Never leave your pets alone with your child--lots of kids are abusive toward animals, and that is a terrible, terrible thing for them to reinforce.

Get support from your fellow foster adoptive parents.

Chores are healing for your child and their doing chores will help you feel more loving toward her.

It can be hard to cuddle RAD kids, since they are so mean and rejecting. One thing that made it easier for me I discovered by chance--if you buy your child a fuzzy fake fur coat, it might remind you of a fuzzy dog, and that will trigger warm, fuzzy feelings and spontaneous hugging.

Everyone in the house needs exercise every day.

Your child needs sensory experiences of caring parents--they need to hear lullabies, see a smile in your eyes (TOUGH to pull off in the early days!), smell homecooking and a clean house, taste good food, receive quick, loving touch.

It's not an easy road, but there is spiritual growth to be had!

[momraine]

Yeah, I should say that my RAD kid, unlike most rad kids is a deep sleeper. I knew this because before I brought him home I had six weeks in hotel rooms with him in the same room as me. He was also much more sheltered than a kid from foster care. He was in an orphanage where until two months before we got him, at age 6.5 he still slept in a crib, in a room full of cribs and all disabled children. During the day, the kids stayed all in one padded room, with a TV hanging from the ceiling that played preschool shows all day. They left thier two rooms for meals and "therapy" only. In summer they did occaionally get to go outside. Most of the caretakers were elderly women. So as far as we can still tell at this point, he was never sexually abused and there was no abuse at night. It was the safest time for him.
Swimming was an awesome bonding experience for us, since he could not swim and even shallow water is above his head, he had to trust me. Now he can swim, but he still likes me to be near him when he swims.