[sundara]

Since Mikestock, life got very crazy.

Found out the youngest has been active with her boyfriend, then he dumped her, then he was back, then he cheated with another girl, but wait, no the other girl was lying and he didn't really do anything with her, and we should just believe him and why are we so mean to him? and on and on.

The first preg test came up negative (3 weeks ago) and on this weekend a new one showed she was positive - oh, because she did not tell anyone (me or the doc) after the first test that the condoms kept breaking so they kept doing things w/o using any protection and that the last time was only 3 days before.

So now we are faced with a 15yo who will give birth by next spring:
- who thinks that I should be happy that (her words) she 'is going to give me the baby I could never have'
- who keeps telling me that adoption is 'awful' and she could never such a cruel thing to her child
- and that the only thing she will consider doing is keeping the baby.
- who wants to know why I am upset about all this
- and is asking why am I am keeping receipts for the prenatal vitamims ($50 oop cost per month)
- why I don't want her head-game boyfriend to come to my company picnic with us.

On top of all this, she says that none of her decisions are my business (excuse me, WHO is providing the health insurance, ferrying her to doctor appointments, worrying over whether she will drop out of school, paying the bills, calling the lawyer, etc????).

Oh and since she is in this condition she should not have to clean or help at home, but be allowed to just sleep all day because she is tired. And she needs a crib and me and DH should be happy to babysit our grandchild so she can go to prom, and oh yeah, we may have to do something with the dogs...

I am losing it!!!!!

[AmyAnne]

Oh goodness. I am so sorry. Get her on WIC!!

[MamaS]

Fifteen years old is statutory rape. Notify the police and have baby daddy face some consequences. Also, see if he has any possessions in his name -- car, motorcycle, electric guitar, PlayStation -- that can be sold to provide for the baby.

[Barksum]

((hugs))) Hoping that Dd starts to wise up about what a great mom you are real soon!!

[crick]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Fifteen years old is statutory rape. Notify the police and have baby daddy face some consequences. Also, see if he has any possessions in his name -- car, motorcycle, electric guitar, PlayStation -- that can be sold to provide for the baby.

Not necessarily. If he's the same age or close to her age, it's not? Besides, she willingly had sex and there was no rape. Why get the police involved if there's no crime? Not going to help Dad get a job and pay for his child's care.

Sundara - Have you talked to the boys parents? They should be helping financially for things as well as having him take responsibility for his child.

As for your daughter I think unfortunately she has a very rude awakening coming up. Not only will she need to keep her room clean and go to school, she needs to figure out how she's going to help pay for things. It's one thing to help out but she needs a full wake up call to know that SHE is the mommy and SHE is the parent who will be caring for her child.

Don't think a glass of cold water in the a.m. is going to work for that wake up call though, eh? I'm sorry you are going through all this.

[aMarylandfamily]

Season 1 covered this - very nicely but very frankly - might be a good thing to locate and have her watch - along with the beginning of Season 2 - after the baby is born ...

Most states say if the individuals are minors but are 3 years or less in age difference it can be considered "consent" in intention. Child Support - even if she wouldn't get it is also a rude wakening for the Dad especially if it can mean no license as some states suspend same if back child support is owed!

Prayers for her but more for you as life is going to become very challenging for you too.

[sundara]

Yes, I explored the statutory, he is 16, she is 15, where we live it qualifies, but I spoke with both PD & my lawyer, and they both say it is rare that the DA will pursue it nowadays due to so many kids going there, especially given that she did willingly (even tho I completely agree with the poster above). I have used this to get them both to work on a celibacy agreement.

Yes, she has been watching secret life ever since it came on, and I have watched it with her a few times.

One problem I have with the show is that it shows the parents as having just as many issues with boundaries & responsibility as the kids (the girl's mother in the show is also pregnant - by her boyfriend while not yet divorced from her husband ) and Mom seems to tolerate and sympathize too much with the daughter's whining & moaning about losing her teen years (even though her own actions led to these issues), among other questionable scenarios, not to mention her friends telling her that 'everyone is doing it, its not a big deal'. Other than all that, the show is good conversation starter.

Baby daddy has very wealthy family, he is now saying he will be there, wants to help parent, etc. His mom is in protective lawyer mode, so it may get interesting before all the dust settles. Interesting thing is I read up on this, and granparents are NOT liable for child support - only the actual parents of the baby are, so nothing can force her to do anything to help. Makes it interesting. (However, parents of the daughter giving birth CAN be made liable for the medical bills... such fun!).

The other fun part will be the mood swings, as DD already has bad ones as it is with attachment issues and PTSD, and the stress of the last 2 months has had her freaking out so badly I had to call the police on two different occaissions and nearly hospitalized her. I cannot WAIT to see what preg hormones do...

Crick - I agree completely that she really has no idea what it will really be like. DH and I and her therapist are already working with her already on an attitude change - that she has to do more around the house now in terms of responsibility in order to prepare for what it will take to parent a child. She is now responsible for making dinner several times a week (learning to cook for herself & for the future when her child is older), she is responsible for getting to her doctor appts & daddy has to provide transport (except if I decide to go, which I am for the early visits), I will be having her track every expense related to all of this and will be having her learn how to read the medical bills, EOB's, etc, and also letting her know that all of this is also being tracked in order for baby daddy to know the cost and be responsible for his share. Working with her to understand that she MUST stay in school and graduate, and hopefully go on to college, regardless of her relationship with baby daddy, etc.

The hardest part aside from her moods is that her older sister at 20 already has 2 kids, and keeps telling her how 'easy' it all is (older sis lives on WIC, her bf cant hold a steady job, they live in section 8, but hey, its all good...)

[momraine]

Another thing to look into is if her medications are safe for the baby.

[ajjhmf]

I have very little experience with this so thre isn't much I can offer except hugs.

However, on the grandparent note, I do have a situation that is similar. When my cousin was 20, she broke up with her ling time boyfriend and ended up getting pregnant over Spring Break. Baby daddy (who also came from a wealthy family) wanted nothing to do with baby, but the grandparents did. She didn't have to let them see him as he was paying no support. So, they footed the bill for the suppport and have had regular visits since J, now 15, was born. The daddy has never been in the picture.

No support in most states means that there are no visits. You might check into that.

On a side note, my cousin got back together with her boyfriend, they were married 7 years ago, have 4 more kids and her husband would adopt J in a heartbeat if the grandparents let their adult son sign the rights away he has never honored.

Again, sorry you are going through this.

[tybeemarie]

In Illinois, child support and visitation are two separate issues. Also, even if the dad is not a responsible person, he is still the father of this baby. It is, in my opinion, wrong to exclude him from his child's life. Not just wrong as to him, but as to the baby. Fathers are parents, too, and not just sources of income, as the dads on these boards show. And yes, I know, this teenager is not at all in the same league as the dads who post here, but really, fathers do have rights, and the baby has rights. Looking at some of the heart-breaking posts of adult adoptees on this site underscores for me how powerful the connection to birth parents is, regardless of the parent's qualities. Heck, our own kids show us that.

It is, of course, easy for me to say this, as, so far as I know, my 14 year old is not pregnant. Sundara, you are living my nightmare. I do not want to minimize the difficulty or the horror of this situation. Still, I think denying the father visitation is wrong, and adds more sorrow and chaos to an already sorrowful and chaotic situation.

Would your daughter be willing to take birth control following the birth of the baby? Deprovera shots, or, if it's medically appropriate, an IUD? The chances of these sexually active kids becoming celibate are quite remote, I hate to say. Once you flip the switch, the sexual switch is on. There's no putting that genie back into the bottle. I recognize that there are kids who do, in fact, pursue celibacy as a matter of religious belief, but I believe that the numbers of them who do so successfully are rather small. I would be angling for effective birth control that does not involve being responsible while you are in the act. An IUD lasts 5 years, and you can't take it out, you need a doctor to do it. Something to think about.

I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for you. Take the time to take care of yourself now. As busy as things are, they are about to get busier. Your best shot at sleep is now--although I am sure it is all too common to lie in bed staring at the ceiling with a racing mind, thinking, My GOD, I can't BELIEVE we are in this situation! I have to think the stress of this takes a toll on your body. So, be good to your body. I really am sorry you are dealing with this.

At the same time, I want to think welcoming thoughts for this little baby making its way into the world. A very complicated situation.

[lucyjoy]

Grandparents where I live CAN file for visitation even if they or their sons are not paying support if the parents of the baby were never married, so I wouldn't count on using that.

DD needs to understand that SHE is responsible for ALL of baby's care. She needs parenting classes, to learn NEVER to shake a baby and what to do when she's frustrated etc.

Craigslist is a good place to find free or inexpensive baby clothes/supplies/furniture

I would still attempt to talk to the parents and the boy together and see if they are willing to help with expenses.

[SAHmom]

sundara, hugs! I had this very scare months ago with my now 17 year old daughter...I couldn't imagine 15. In our situation, my daughter ended up not being pregnant. It is amazing as to the mindset of some of today's young people that their parents should be responsible for a situation not under their control.

[MamaS]

Sundara: If her older sister is telling her how easy it is to raise babies on the taxpayers' dollars AND she is a minor for whom you still have legal responsibilities, you are stuck. She is right - you can't tell her what to do, when it comes to the baby, BUT
Start now, setting the boundaries. Tell her you will babysit only for school hours. After school, she is to come home immediately and take care of the baby. If the baby has a doctor's appointment, check her out of school and have her take the baby (but go with her so you know what the doctor says).
If she wants "time off" to go to the mall, movies, etc. let her hire a babysitter, using her own money.
Make life as "real" for her as it can be while living at home -- she may find that "playing mommy" isn't as easy as she thought.

[momraine]

When little sis lived with me, one of her friends told her she got pregnant at 15 on purpose. Her reason was that she wanted to move out of her parents house. She showed sis that she was living in an apartment paid for by the government, the state paid for her daycare while she went to school and she had wic and foodstamps. She did have to go to school and pass, but other than that she had no rules. I was furious. Luckily for me, sis decided that she didn't want a baby (she was living with my then 2 and 4 year old boys and found them annoying) and she thought her friends apartment was a dump. That kept her from getting pregnant until she was a little older.
The other thing to think about is that pregnancy is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a sexually active teen. Pills or shots will not protect her from diseases. There is a lot more than just AIDs out there and some are incurable. Though if you have been to the doctor I am sure she has been tested.

[crick]

Tybee - you are absolutely correct in bringing up dad's rights and responsibility to parent not just provide support. I wanted to clarify in my post that I meant right now dad needs to be free to get a job so he can help towards the care of the baby before it's born. (stat. rape charges etc.) Didn't intend for it to sound like he's just the money factor, sorry if it came across that way.

He too should be taking parenting classes and they all need to sit down and figure out a plan for visitation and all that.

Sundara - I also agree that a celibacy agreement is long past. It's likely going to be more effective to teach them proper birth control because I really doubt they will just stop having sex. I understand the want or desire for it, but just on the chance that they don't follow through, it would be better for them to be prepared?

I don't know how Wic and all that works but if she is living with you, how is she going to qualify for all that government aid? Won't they be taking your income into consideration and deny her based on that?