[MamaS]

Originally Posted by momraine

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The other thing to think about is that pregnancy is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a sexually active teen.

No, but it isn't the greatest thing to happen to the parents of the teen. I am sure Sundara is seeing a future of free babysitting while Teen Mom goes to school, to the mall, out with her boyfriend, etc. If Sundara objects to anything she hears "It's MY baby, not yours and I'll raise it the way I want to!" or "Okay, I'll take it with me!" and then she has to worry about her grandchild's safety. Sundara and her DH legally must provide for daughter until she is of age, but they have no leverage. Daughter can use the grandchild as a blackmail chip -- "If you won't keep the baby while I go to the beach this weekend, then I have a friend who will. I don't have to tell you who or where. It's MY baby and I'll do what I want to."

Of course, daughter could turn into a responsible mother who gets A's, earns a college scholarship and gets a part-time job to pay for the baby's expenses. Birthfather could get a job and pay child support. BF's parents could step in and help with finances and actual childcare. If that happens, please let us know, Sundara. Keep hope alive!

[sundara]

Thanks for all the input & the sympathy & hugs - it really helps. I'll try to cover all the various topics - hope I don't miss any!

Things are starting to come into focus and now that DH and I have recovered from the initial shock, we've been encouraging DD and boyfriend (who I'll call BF) to work on their relationship regardless of baby/no baby. BF has realised that he was freaking out (normal for any new dad-to-be) and has come around to the fact that he does care about DD and wants to work things out.

DD is calming down, and yes, we have been having good discussions about the many things that we will need to sort out over the next 7-8 months. She is starting to come on-board with realizing that this is not a game and that she has a lot to learn.

I never had any intention of preventing BF's rights to his child, so long as he made a commitment to that child, which he is now doing. His mom is also starting to talk about helping financially as well, which will be helpful, especially once baby comes (tentatively, we are looking at march 2010).

I don't yet know about WIC - something that we will check out for the baby, DD does not need it at this point as she has our private insurance & she has medicaid due to foster-adopt, so all her hospital bills will be 100% covered so long as she lives with us.

We do expect her to go on some form of b/c once she delivers, but they both have also agreed that a celibacy agreement is a good idea,both because of their age and due to the strong history in DD's bio family of fertility/pregnancies while on birth control (bio mom had 3 of her 7 while on b/c, my older DD claims her first one was as well, and I did supply her w/pills at the time she got pregnant).

We did check into her meds and she has had to go off her ADD meds (she was not on any others). She is already noticing a difference (she is in summer school).

On a new note, big sis and her BF and two kids had to move into our home this weekend due to issues at their apartment complex. Younger DD is now changing diapers, learning to feed babies, monitor them for hours at a time, etc. Also seeing how tired big sis is, getting woken up by the babies early in the morning, etc.

On the babysitting issue, I work fulltime as does DH, so she & BF will have to work out daycare while they are in school. I will definitely enjoy the baby but will not be her live-in daycare for when she doesn't feel like it - they need to ask, and if it does not work for me/DH, then they will need to arrange appropriate babysitting for outings. BF does not want the baby at his mom's house (too many issues in his family, they have both told us our home is much more stable, appropriate and attentive than his family).

The main thing DD is stuck on right now is she wants BF to move into our home after baby is born, and we are not comfortable with that. For now, I've told her that we are not onboard with this idea, and that this topic will need a lot of discussion, and some more compelling reasons her desire for him to help on the night shift with the baby.

[Barksum]

Glad things are starting to level out a little. Kudos to you and Dh for working hard to stay sane and in control of yourselves while you worked with the kids.

[RavenSong]

Sundara, the next time your daughter tries to get out of doing housework because of her pregnancy, remind her that light to moderate physical exercise is one of the best things she can be doing right now for her baby's health (and her's too!). I was pregnant at 16, and I hiked the canyon behind our house every single day up until delivery. I was only in labor for about 4 hours total, and my OB/GYN attributed that to being in great physical condition.

If she's sleeping most of the morning away, she obviously needs to go to bed earlier. (I do have to admit being guilty of that one when I was pregnant. In fact, my first symptom of pregnancy was falling asleep in class all the time!)

Many OB/GYNs routinely prescribe oral contraceptives for teenage moms. I know my doctor didn't leave any room for argument about it -- he just handed me the prescription for birth-control pills at my 6-week postpartum checkup, along with a free one-month supply. Hopefully, your daughter's OB/GYN will do something similar.

[tybeemarie]

Wow, are you a tough cookie! That is an amazingly short time to get past shock and on to creating a workable plan for your family. I think you're absolutely right--your older daughter and grandchildren staying with you will certainly make your younger daughter more aware of the serious demands of parenting. I am exhausted just thinking about all those people in your house!

I really am impressed. I think this would take me a long time to get over. Given my oldest daughter's desperate drive for male approval and her stunning beauty, I know I need to pace myself on this one. I could easily be a grandmother before my time. Ai yai yai!

[sundara]

Thank you all for the posts. I feel so supported and it really helps!!

Yes, the OB already gave us bc pills (before we knew she was positive, just a few weeks ago), so that is already covered as they will still be good after she delivers.

She does go to bed early, the issue is a preg-related one - waking up to go to the restroom & then struggling to fall back asleep. She is having a small bit of *morning* sickness and is also struggling with moving alot in her sleep, which wakes her up.

We see the doc next week & will be asking about all of this.

[sundara]

Since my last post, the following has happened:

- extreme meltdowns by preg dd (one per week so far), one so bad we were tempted to throw her out of the house. No apologies after, and expecting me to keep treating her nice & keep paying the bills.
- ds starting to freak out about having to go to school & take all the ribbing due to sis being preggers, and telling me that he thinks he might lose it at school
- oldest daughter moves in unexpectedly due to "housing emergency", with 2 kids & bf in tow (we think they got kicked out)
- the abuser of the one DD who is not living at home got out of jail unexpectedly, and dd did not tell me. When I asked, she then tells me that she knew and also that within the last few weeks he called bio mom & threatened to kill dd, but that's ok, cause if he shows up she is mad enough to kill him. (And her last address that he knows of is... my house!!)
- a coworker has been sick & coughing all over me for weeks, and now told me what he might have, and it turns out that if I were to catch it it could kill me due to the meds I am on (it most likely will just inconvenience him cause he is usually healthy).
- because of said coworker not admitting he was behind, my team is missing its deadlines & working OT to fix up everything.

I thought I wanted to resign, now I am ready to find a UFO and jump on willingly!!!! I need to get off this planet!

[Barksum]

YIKES!! Sun, sounds like the UFO would be a relaxing vacation even if probing did actually happen!

So: your co-worker is going to be paying your medical bills from here on out. Your team will be sending said co-worker for a ride with Mike's Grandma. Your oldest Dd is going to be cleaning the house and caring for your pg Dd, including talking her down from hormonal rants, and the other Dd is going to provide all security services for the family. Your Ds is going to go to a fancy boarding school and graduate as valedictorian in the honors program and support the family with his fab career.

There. If I had a magic wand it would all be taken care of for you. (((hugs))) I don't have a wand, but will be praying for your family as you weather these crises.

[sundara]

Thank you, that is just the humor I needed!!!