[wornout]

We adopted 2 boys ages 3 and 4. They are now 4 and 5. We knew them for 2 years before they came up for adoption. (We knew the foster family) So these boys knew us. We were told there were no problems. Well, we had to go through a month of visits. Work up to overnights. The boys screamed and cried when they had to go back to the other family. So I didnt see why we had to go through all that. Once they moved in we had to foster for 6 mnths. before we could start the adoption process. Well during that time, we started seeing things like they really were. We had to teach them to feed themselves, and so many other things. They were having issues with me. (mom) I started having some concerns during the 6 months, about if I really wanted to do this. But things would change and start going good for a little while. I started pushing to get it moving faster than 6 mnths. We were able to get it done faster. Well now that it is final, I dont want the 4 yr old. The 5 year old has finally got past his issues and is meshing with my 4 birth kids great. Him and my 7 yr BD are big buddies. And is attaching to me very well. But the 4 yr old DOES NOT like me. He is totally potty trained, but will only use the toilet for me when he feels like it. Which is NOT very often. We have to keep diapers on him at all times now because we never know when he is going to go. Pee or Poop. He ignores me to the point of turning his face away when I enter the room. He would rather stay in his room all day and take the risk of getting no food or not using the toilet if he has to ask me for them. My dh has to go in and make him come tell me he is hungry. And when he does you can tell he doesnt want to. He only did it because dad made him. He would rather ask total strangers for his needs to be met than ask me. Perfect example, we were gone on vacation and he had been acting this way almost the entire time. Well we had an emergency with the 5 yr old and had to leave the other kids with the grandparents. The older kids told me that while they were with the grandparents, he (the 4 yr old) was a total angel. He never wet himself or soiled himself. He told them everytime he needed to go to the potty. But the min. he stepped into my car when we picked them back up, I looked at him and he looked at me and I watched him shut down. We left to come home and for the entire 4 hour ride he never said a word. And when we got home, he promptly peed in his diaper. I have done the cuddleing thing, sleeping with me, treating him llike a baby, ignoring him back,rocking him, talking sweet, just loving on him, Oh, I cant even think of all the things we have tried. And he will warm up for a few days, once or twice for a week maybe. But then right back to the bad behavior. And no one understands. Everyone says that they dont see how he could act like that because he can be the sweetest little thing to other people. And if we make him sit in time out when we are out and some of our friends see him, they all want to have their little talk with him and he will be all better. When my dh tells them no, it wont work, they cant figure out what our problem is. I am at my wits end. I dont want this kid anymore. I dont know what to do. He keeps our family and home in constant turmoil. I have no love for this child. I just dont want him here. If I try to scold him about something or if I am just talking to him, he will hide behind his brother (the 5 yr old). As though the brother will protect him from me. And he has told me that his brother is more important than I am. I understand that they have been the only constant in each others lives, but the 5 yr old has attached quite well. I know I sound pathetic, and uneducated, but Im really not. I have read so many books and done research and think we are dealing with Attachment Disorders. But we dont want to do therapy. I have heard to many bad stories about therapist and neither me or my dh want to go that route. I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this way. I guess to know Im not alone. I have never given my whole heart to a child and had it trampled like this. It hurts so bad to to give and love and everything a mom does and this kid would rather spit in my face and flip me off . Im sorry this is was so long.

[lovemy6]

You're describing two of my kids! I wanted to disrupt, but was blessed by a wonderful attachment therapist who helped us heal our kids. They are now the most amazing, loving, fully attached kids you'd ever want to see. I am so glad I'm their mom!

I don't know why you're afraid of attachment therapy, but it can be a life saver (family saver!)!

Read "Building the Bonds of Attachment" and "Holding Therapy". The books changed my opinion of Attachment Therapy.

[wornout]

I have read so many books. The problem is I just dont have the want to to make it work. I am so drained and worn out. And have nothing left to give. I dont love him, I dont even like him. I know all the things people will say or think when they read this, but Im not a bad person or mother.

[Barksum]

Have you considered counseling with a counselor well versed in attachment disorders? What you are describing sounds very much like a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Other parents on this forum can give you specific web sites to help find a therapist in your area.

Came back to add that you can get some respite while you are working on yourself and your feelings, as well as working with your Dh and your children. It is difficult to believe at this low ebb, but there is hope for both you and your Ds.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by wornout

I have read so many books. The problem is I just dont have the want to to make it work. I am so drained and worn out. And have nothing left to give. I dont love him, I dont even like him. I know all the things people will say or think when they read this, but Im not a bad person or mother.

I've been where you are! Totally drained of all emotion for one of my kids. Therapy is for the parents as well as for the child.

I looked into disruption. It's a lot harder than just tpr'ing.

There should be a support group for parents with RAD, bc NO ONE besides a parent with RAD can understand the feelings without judging the parents. I judge you not, I see myself when I read your posts.

I'm sorry you're going through this! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[lovemy6]

I found both of our therapists on this list:

Find A Therapist In Your Area | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org

One was excellent for our younger kids and one was best with our older kids.

There is hope for you and your kids. I know there were times when I couldn't see any hope at all for our family, but our therapist was able to get us to where we could all see hope. It was a long, hard road, a year of therapy (twice, 4 years apart), but it's so worth it to be in love with your kids and see them love and attached to us!

[wornout]

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that. We are talking over some things. I think I know in my heart we will never disrupt. I just want some peace NOW. I feel so confused and trapped to be honest. It is soooo much harder than I ever imagined. We never ever considered adoption until these two came along, because we didnt think we could do it. And now Im starting to think I cant, but its too late.

[lovemy6]

While we were in the midst of the worse of the RAD behaviors, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I had wondered why I ever had the idea that I could parent kids with special needs. I thought my world was going to end.

With the right therapist, your child CAN heal. You CAN fall in love with him. You CAN someday not imagine your life without him.

In the worse times of my life as their parents, I COULDN'T feel the love, the commitment, the desire to be their mom. It's NORMAL to feel that way! RAD is a terribly draining disorder that can challenge the best of parents! You're a GREAT mom for being honest and seeking help for your child.

You need to regroup and reaching out here is a wonderful first step. You're not alone! There are TOO many of us who have the battle wounds from parenting the most challenging kids around.

Stay here and let us help you and support you!

[lucyjoy]

How does your husband feel about this placement, is he ready to give up as well?

There is help out there and it sounds like you are in dire need of an attachment therapist. However, if you and your husband have both decided this is not workable, then for the child's sake, find him another family.(also an unpopular thing to say but really, I'm saying it anyway)

This child needs to be rocked everyday. He needs to be hugged no less then 12 times a day. While the behaviors are hard to live with, you need to look at the child behind the behaviors. All those behaviors are fear and anger based and he needs to deal with the causes of the anger/fear before the behaviors will go away.

I don't think you are horrible for feeling this way. I think it's very honest. Kids with serious issues are hard to raise and not fun to live with. You have to choose to throw all of yourself into helping this child or you need to decide to be done and find a family who wants to do this.

[lovemy6]

How old are your other kids?

[wornout]

My others are 4 birthkids. 15, 13, 11, and 7.

My husband will do whatever I decide to do. But I believe he loves the child.

If I had know from the start about this, I would have been more prepared. But we were told they had no problems, but a few behavioral problems. Not serious ones. Just normal stuff that the FM wouldnt deal with, because she had this horrible fear of the social workers.
But I just feel that if I had known, I would have prepared myself and done research and been a "little" more prepared.

[lovemy6]

Yeah, most of us here didn't know!

Here's my post from 7 months ago. HUGE difference in my heart today! I love my son and am SO glad he's mine!

Not to say we don't have our challenges, but he has Asperger's and that's a challenge in itself, but the LOVE is there!

Thanks to attachment therapy!

Dealing with my personal RAD

[wornout]

THANK YOU!!!! Thank you so much for that link. I would say you dont know what it meant, but I think you do. It feels good to know Im not alone. Because Im tired of crying and screaming at my dh. Well not at him, but just venting. He knows the difference. One time he did tell me to staop yelling at him, I told him I wasnt yelling AT him and then he understood.

[wornout]

I forgot to mention that I have to keep the two boys seperated. The 5 yr old is doing great , but that is as long as I keep him away from his brother. If the 4 yr old starts acting ok and we let them interact with each other,(we make them play with the other kids) then the 5 yr old will poop in his pants or start glaring at me or start talking unintelligable. He wont open his mouth all the way. He will tilt his head back and his lips hang open like they weigh 100 pounds. But wont open his mouth to talk right. And he stares at you very strange. But we have figured out that as long as we keep them apart, (which is incredibly hard in a small house, ) he will act right.

[UnconventionalMom]

You're describing my niece. I know I love her, but I really don't like her right now. Therapy with our attachment therapist is helping my niece but it's a long, grueling, exhausting process and the light at the end of the tunnel is a very long way away.