[tybeemarie]

I knew eventually my daughter would successfully chase a boy down, but that does not lessen the fear and hearsickness I feel. I also kick myself for believing she could handle any degree of freedom.

So, she's about to turn 14, and is attending summer school at her high school, which is half a mile away. School is from 8 until a little after noon, and then she has sports camps after a break. She was supposed to be studying at school during that time, but instead she was at a 16 year old boy's house.

Thank God, this boy's mother called to let us know she's been doing this for WEEKS. The mother is concerned about the age difference, and is aware that if he slept with her, he could be charged with statutory rape, so she never let them be alone. Most of the time, he is not even home, but my daughter stays to play with his 5 sisters. I am not sure of the ages of all these girls, but one is 14, and there are twins who I would guess are around 9.

My husband feels like it's not just about the boy, it's about family shopping. The mom and I had a good talk, and she actually stopped my daughter from having a tantrum, pointing out that that would not lead to understanding, and that she was in the wrong in the first place. My daughter was obedient to this woman immediately, hugging me and apologizing at the moment she requested she do so.

Part of that is the RAD, but I think part of it is responding to black female authority figures. My daughter is not black--she was born here, but is of Mexican descent. I am Guatemalan and American. Her former foster parent, a horrific abuser, was black, and she lived with her in the absolute ghetto for three and a half years, where she and her brother and sister were the only non-black people in the entire community, except for the police, some social workers, a teacher or two. While living there, she lost her ability to speak Spanish, the language of her birth family (her bio sibs are bilingual, her bio grandmother not so much). Culturally, she became black. Her birth family also lives in a rough neighborhood, and all the men in her mother's life, at least all the fathers of the 9 siblings, are gang involved. So, prior to living with us, she has always been in crime-infested areas. I think she feels more comfortable there, at some level. It's unsafe, and in her hypervigilance, she is acutely aware of that, but it's what she's used to. She feels particularly comfortable with black people--not all black people, she does not connect with black kids from traditional families that value education, for example. And she always prefers the company of boys. But there was something about this boy's family that drew her.

The mom shared that she had lost her kids to DCFS, and it took 6 years to get them back. She has been sober for 10 years. In a way, then, she is like a combo of her former foster parent and an idealized version of her birth mother. Thank God this woman told my daughter to be respectful to me, to be thankful she had a concerned mother, to apologize to me for lying and violating my trust. Some of how this was conveyed was in casual cursing and the admission, "You're lucky. If it were my kid I caught sneaking around, I would bust their ***!" My daughter soaked this all in like a sponge.

At one point, my daughter was fuming as I talked to this woman about how my daughter is not allowed to be at boy's houses, that she knew she was being given the freedom to walk to school as a way to demonstrate she was trustworthy, that she deceived us and directly lied to us about where she was. As she rolled her eyes and shook her head and glared at me, I said, "Look, I am concerned because I am your MOTHER, I am SUPPOSED to care about your safety and whereabouts. I know your former mothes did not, but I am not like them." BOOM! An explosive crying jag followed, with my daughter sobbing and shouting, "Don't bring my birth mother into this! She would have cared!" I said, "No, she did not. If she had cared about your safety, you wouldn't be here."

The boy's mother said to my daughter, "Don't tantrum. There won't be any understanding that way. Your mother is concerned about you. I worked hard to get my kids back, but in the early days, I really didn't take care of them. That was my illness, not them, and it's the same with your mama." My daughter immediately stopped.

I feel very fortunate that my daughter chose a kid who has a mother who cares about him. I wish she had called the first time my daughter showed up at her house, and not several weeks into it, but my daughter easily, easily could have latched on to some other boy at the park--they met playing basketball--who was in a completely dysfunctional household.

So, anyway, this mom got our phone numbers from our daughter. My cell phone was off from Mass that morning, so they got my DH first, thank God. He was shocked, of course, thanked the woman for calling, and told oru daughter to go home. Our daughter called back from our house in a very short time, crying and carrying on and saying she hadn't done anything. (The boy's mother said our daughter was very respectful and sweet while she was there.) Her father calmly responded that she was not allowed to go to his house, ever. AND THEN SHE WENT BACK! When I got home, she wasn't here, and I had to track her down to this house I never laid eyes on! The good part about that is it allowed me to meet this boy's mother and learn something about her.

I am very disturbed that my daughter went back after she had been found out and commanded to stay at home. The phrase that comes to mind is dog in heat.

Later, I talked to my younger two, and learned that they have been a couple for months! That at the end of the school year, he would walk her to school--which meant she left her brother and sister to walk alone, not safe. Another time, he walked her home from the park, and they kissed at the gate. God knows what else they might have done.

I shudder to think that this weekend, when my daughter was being completely obnoxious while my cousin and his girl friend were visiting, we left her at home, and went to see a movie. Worst case scenario, my grandchild was conceived while we watched Ice Age 3.

I guess I was naive to believe that my kids, who in all other respects live to tattle, who even relish telling on our old arthritic dogs when they have an accident, who, in response to the question, "How was your day?" give a litany of every bad act committed by every man, woman, and child within their line of vision, would tell me if their sister went the slut route. I have made it clear to them that lying about this type of thing is very unsafe, and informed them that for all we know, their sister could be pregnant at this minute. That made them blanch.

Obviously, she is on lockdown, and I will not allow her to be alone. This sucks, because I would like to have some freedom myself. This also puts the kibosh on any idea my husband had of me going back to work in a year or so.

She is having a bowling party this Sunday, and one thing she did was invite this boy and his 5 sisters. She said they all accepted. My husband and I decided two things: one, we should get to know this kid, and he should get to know us and understand that despite her pathetic, desperate chase-boys-down-like-a-cheetah-on-a-gazelle ways, she is not, in fact, an unloved, unsupervised child. Also, the last thing I want to do is alienate his mother. I want someone on my side, someone who will turn her away from the door and back to me.

I plan to get an at-home pregnancy test today to put my worst fears to rest. I always knew that I would have to make such a purchase, given her rock bottom self-esteem, her pathetic, desperate chasing down of boys, her history of sexual abuse, and her birth mother's disgusting example of promiscuity and prostitution. But I didn't realize I would be in this position from letting her walk 4 blocks away.

Last night, we did end up having a long conversation. She asked me at one point, "What does it mean to care for yourself? What would you be doing?" So I went over what it meant to me: rejecting negative messages from your abusers, encouraging your dreams, daring to pursue excellence, treating your heart with care, eating well, exercising, reading, praying, allowing yourself to be the person God intended you to be.

She said to me, earlier in the conversation, that she is her birth mother's daughter, and her birth mother was with all those men, and so it is in her, and that is why she does this, that everything bad in her she inherited from her birth mother, and all the good she inherited from her birth father--this despite the fact that my daughter was conceived in his rape of her mother. I told her, gently, that her birth father had been a violent man, and she said, she met him once, and he turned his life around. He told her he wanted to get her back, but couldn't afford to. I told her love would have found a way, but that it was due to his shortcomings as a father, and not due to any fault of hers. I told her that who she becomes is up to her, not to her birth mother or father, and sadly, not even up to me. She can build on her strengths, she can practice skills to strengthen her weaknesses, she can, in short, work on becoming who she is, and that no one else can do that for her, including the boy she likes.

She came downstairs on her own initiative for a kiss goodnight, and was soft. There is a good person deep inside her, but that person is encased in surly defensiveness (an older lady at church lovingly described her as surly yesterday--sad, but true), self-loathing, stupid choices. Sluttiness that up to now had not found a taker. She would be a disaster as a mother, so toxic for a poor baby. God preserve us from that!

Anyway, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far! She breaks my heart.

[SuzBerg]

Tybee - I'm so sorry! I have no idea what to say, this is just so tough. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you will both get throught this, your love for you daughter is evident in your post. HUGS - Suz

[Original Mike]

While I will eave the issues associated with RAD for others far more versed in it, I can fully relate to the horror of being the parent of a hormonal teenager.

C began to really notice girls when he was about 14 and he "dated" (if you can call it that) some really nice girls. Then came "Skankarella". She opened the gates to a veritable sexual Disneyland. Later, I too found out that he was sneaking over to her house at night for more rounds of "The matress Mambo".

Over the years, I have fostered other boys who were sexually active. one even had been treated for chlamidyia. I share your frustrations about watching our kids follow the same paths their bio parents had taken. At the same time, even for "normal" teens, sex is shoved at them constantly. At least in my day, some things were still left to the imagination.

It sounds like you could have a potential ally in the boy's mother. I wish I had had that with Skankarella's mother. When I tried to talk to her about what was going on, all I got was "My daughter would NEVER do that!" Uh, hello, your daughter has been entertaining more men than the USO!!!

Too bad we can't neuter our kids like we do our pets...

[Peggy]

My dd is 16 and still boy crazy. She also started at 13 and in a very similar manner. I was student teaching and she was home alone for 45 minutes each day. That was enough time to scope out and attach to an older boy. The parents of the boy did not know what was going on. My dd actually told me herself. I took her to the hospital for testing for diseases and pregnancy. Things actually got much worse for a while before they got better. You do have to keep your guard up. I am especially worried about when she turns 18. Also monitor her computer time like a hawk.

[momraine]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

[lovemy6]

Two words: Depo Provera! ((((((((((hugs!)))))))))))

[ajjhmf]

I'm sorry you are having to do this, but still what a blessing the other mom has her head on straight.

[crick]

Oh Tybee! (((HUGS)))

May God show you the direction to go in and keep you all close as you work through this.

This is a huge fear of mine for the teen years and if it cannot be avoided, I hope to find an ally in the other parents. I'm thankful that the boy's mom is on your side and my thought (as silly as it sounds coming from me) is maybe God is using her as a way to reach your daughter in a way you can't. The similarities and her past might be what your daughter needs to stop idolizing her bfamily and putting them up on that pedestal.

((((HUGS))))

[lucyjoy]

She asked you what it meant to take care of herself and what she should be doing? That's huge for her.

The other thing I would suggest explaining to her that loving her birthmom does not mean she has to repeat the bad choices her mother made. And as hard as it is, I think for J's sake it is important for you to find something good about her bmom. Regardless of moms abuse and bad choices, she too was created in the image of God. Your daughter is a deep thinker and feels things deeply. She has a hard time seperating love and loyalty from repeating the life. She needs something to love and be loyal to about bmom without the need to throw her life away.

And you know from conversations with her that she IS under a great deal of sexual pressure. She has a deep need to fit in. Time for those very blunt, more um, detailed conversations we discussed regarding boys & getting pregnant.

And sadly, there is this trend of older boys dating younger girls.(Maybe the boys are dating at their maturity level?)

And my dear friend, another good example of why we tell people to adopt the ugly kids-lol-J is gorgeous and there will be lots of boys. She needs skills to deal. Keep teaching her to respect herself.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

And my dear friend, another good example of why we tell people to adopt the ugly kids-lol-J is gorgeous and there will be lots of boys. She needs skills to deal. Keep teaching her to respect herself.

I LOL reading this. It is SO true! My dd's are gorgeous. I'm so afraid for when my 10 year old is a little older. Another reason to home school!

[kay]

Well, Lucy made me laugh with her "only adopt ugly kids" comment. But I wanted to send my sympathy. I agree with the others, the boy's mother is a treasure! My problem was that as soon as I developed a relationship with a "good" mother, C moved on to other "friends" with less supervision. Does your daughter express "true love" and "undying devotion" to this guy, or is he just somebody attractive that she wants to hang with? Actually I don't even know why I ask - it seems that "true love" would be harder to contain, but actually it's all hard when our kids are overtaken by hormones. I am SO thankful that none of C's younger girlfriends got pregnant, and now that he's 18, his girlfriend is 18 too. (I don't see that lasting permanently, so we're not out of the Statutory Rape Woods yet - but that's another story!)
You are loving, wise, and proactive - perfect for your daughter. Though the next years will be far from fun for you!!!

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

Two words: Depo Provera! ((((((((((hugs!)))))))))))

Absolutely, yes! It is not condoning sex, it is preventing pregnancy. My "wild child" made it clear that when she was 18 I had no more control. And when she was 18 plus 12 weeks, she was pregnant. And before she was 20, I was a mother again! Really good choices, right!

[kburch]

So sorry, Tybee! I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'm no more certain of what to do with my own 13 year old... My only advice: please be kind to yourself about how hurt and betrayed I'm sure you feel right now. You are a wise and attentive mother, despite the fact that J betrayed your trust.

(Maybe this isn't an area where you struggle, but I know that I still am kicking myself for what D was "getting away with" when I thought he was being trustworthy. It is quite the tight-rope walk over the shark pool trying to find that balance between giving our kids the chance to learn responsibility and protecting them from very serious consequences of the bad choices we know they are almost guaranteed to make...)

Prayers being said for peace and wisdom for you, for sure!

[chelspark1]

I'm so sorry Tybee. My dd just turned 15 and would have done the same thing if given a chance. Her self esteem is so low and I'm just hoping she's get through high school without getting pregnant. It's stinks not being able to trust her and give her responsibility. When I was her age I was already working with a ton of responsibility.
It does sound good that your daughter can at least ask you questions about this. My dd would not be able to do that - she would just stare at me with a blank look.
You must feel so hurt right now. I'm so sorry.

[tybeemarie]

Thanks, guys! It has been quite a rollercoaster--shock came first, then panic, then anger, and today, deep sadness that had me crying at Mass--after I'd done the readings, thank goodness.

I do feel hurt and betrayed, and Kristina, you are right, I also feel like such a naive fool in believing that her progress--which part of me says was all totally illusory, but part of me knows was real, for example, she did keep going to school and camp, which she would not have done last year--meant more trust and freedom were warranted. It was so limited! It just meant going to the park with her siblings and being able to walk 4 blocks to school and back. Too much. Sad.

She was good today, or at least has been so far. She was ready on time, had eaten and taken her supplements, and was fine on the ride over to school. She was on time and introduced me to a friend who needs a ride to soccer camp. I said that would be fine, but I asked the girl to make sure with her mom that it was okay. She lives with her brother. Jasmine told me in the car she doesn't like her mother, so she lives with her 21 year old brother. SIGH!

We went to Target--ugh! I just realized I forgot to buy a new scale!--and I picked up an exercise ball, a new swim suit for the little one, laundry detergent, cat food, oh, and a pregnancy test. She didn't bat an eye, and even was cooperative with producing pee for me. The good news? She's not pregnant. Of course, the most likely time she would have had sex is three days ago, so we'll have to go through this exercise again next month to be absolutely sure. Well, as sure as you can be with someone who is hot to trot.

Lucy, your insight into the love=loyalty=repeating birth mom's life is intriguing. I do tell her her birth mother gave her her beauty, her curly hair, and her life. I sincerely respect her giving her permission to love her adoptive mother, years before there WAS any prospective adoptive mother. I think their birth mother had some artistic ability, too, so I might highlight that.

And I agree with all of you, Depo Provera shots would be a great solution, except in Illinois, it is up to the CHILD if they take birth control, and you do not even have the right to be present for the conversation, nor do you have the right to know its outcome. Furthermore, my kids' abusive former foster family had diabetes, and lots of needles because of that, and used to use them to hurt my kids. So, the odds of her consenting to that 4 times a year are vanishingly slim. She says she's not sexually active, and it is in fact possible that she has not gone beyond kissing and petting (ick), so she is certainly not going to agree to a bunch of upsetting shots under those circumstances.

Ughhhhhh. I do not like being a jailer.