[Nevada Jen]

We are really considering adopting or fostering an older teen. I work with teens as their attorney and every single one I have met I have been able to tell almost right away whether they would be safe in my family (I have a disabled 11 year old who is more like a 2 year old). I have kept contact long enough to know that they turned out well and that my instincts were right. I feel like teens are easier to predict than grade school age kids. But maybe I am just nuts.

For those of you that have adopted kids in their teens, did you feel like once you met them, within a couple of days you were able to make a fairly accurate assessment of whether they would be a good fit for your family and whether they had issues that were better or worse than what you were being told? I would be interested in the thoughts of this experienced group of adoptive parents.

[Original Mike]

Jen:

I have ALWAYS enjoyed having teens in my home. And, you're right, many of them can be easyto read. Others are able to discuss openly any concerns.

If you're following my other threads, you know that I am in the process of moving a sibling pair (18 and 17) into my home. I will admit, these two are FAR brighter than any other kids I've met in the system and this has made getting to know them very easy. We freely discuss expectations and all three of us are going into this "eyes wide open".

On the other hand, be wary. I had one horrific placement a few years back where I relied too much on what I had been told, particularly by workers. This kid was a mess who should have never been placed in a traditional family setting. Of course, that was several years ago and I like to think that I'm not as naive now.

Too often, we just assume that older teens in the system don't want a family. Many are so beaten down that they no longer want a family. Others will jump at the chance. Each teen is different, so procede accordingly.

just my two cents

Mike

[Nevada Jen]

I have been secretly following your thread. Close enough that I almost feel bad for those folks at the group home! My experience with teens has been similar to what you are describing but I can't help but wonder if that's an abberation.

I will be interested to hear how you think your boys (I assume its OK to call them that) attach and bond to your family as full family members.

[lovemy6]

The worst words you can ever hear from your younger child is them telling you that their older sibling has sexually abused them.

I know there are cases where adopting out of birth order works, but I would never advocate for taking the risk.

A child can never be UNabused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, some kids are VERY good at grooming and keeping secrets and it can literally take YEARS sometimes, to find out that a child is being SA!

[Nevada Jen]

I have thought about that but is sexual abuse by teens of younger sibs actually common? Or is it just something you need to put on the list of things to worry about.

[lucyjoy]

I took in a 16 year old who was a great kid to have around. He did leave home 3 months shy of graduating with no warning and I did not hear from him for 2 years. He did call 2 summers ago in the middle of a major hallucination/breakdown cause he knew I would help him. His abuse as a child was horrific and he was old enough to have vivid memories of it. I do not believe he has or will attach to anyone. But, he was a nice kid, helped out around the house, treated people well, and loved to talk. I don't regret taking him in.

As for the sexual abuse, I wouldn't say it's common. The problem is the not knowing until it's too late, so there is a risk. If your current child is non verbal or unable to tell you or understand abuse, I'd recommend putting safety precautions in place just to be safe.

[lovemy6]

More than 90% of my 23 kids were SA. Lucyjoy is right, that the problem is you don't always know which kids were and which kids weren't. So if you're unfortunate enough to have a kid who don't know was, and that kid grooms your other kids for years, secretly, then starts to sexually abuse them while you're in the other room, cleaning up after dinner, talking on the phone, going to the bathroom, going out to get the mail, in the laundry room washing clothes, on the front porch talking to the neighbor, at the front door talking to a sales person (these are all real life incidences), you may never know for YEARS, bc of the fear the abuser puts in the kids if they tell.

Again, I'll say it, taking a kid older than your kids at home can work for some people, but there is a huge risk! You need to consider what are you worth risking your child going through.

You can never UNabuse a child! And the guilt you may live with is indiscribable!

[lucyjoy]

While I agree a HIGH percentage of kids in care were SA, very few, in my experience perp on other kids. The problem is the not knowing.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

While I agree a HIGH percentage of kids in care were SA, very few, in my experience perp on other kids. The problem is the not knowing.

True, very few of mine perped on other kids. Some of the issues we did have with the kids were talking about things that shouldn't have been talked about around very young kids, exposing the younger kids to porn on the internet (before we had our very strict rules), and inappropriate behaviors, like grabbing themselves in front of the other kids in gestures to upset the younger kids.

[chickymum]

I would think its a big risk, especially since your younger child is disabled. I don't know your child but this can be seen as a weakness for the older/troubled child to feel he/she can be powerful against. Many of these kids are looking for a way to have some control in their messed up world.

Also Being an attorney or any kind of worker for troubled teens is very different from parenting them. They love to feel close to outsiders but parents, in their experience are bad, and therefore they have a very different relationship.

JMO

[millie58]

I had that. P, who I got at 11, ordered a porn movie, which I believe L was watching at some point as he drew a pic of a couple having sex. P also went on a porn site on my cousin's computer. This was 3 years ago. Now, he only goes on the computer when I'm home and able to watch him. He just lost privileges as I discovered vulgar language in some of his emails.